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I was just wondering if any adult restarters out there feel haunted by their past.

I s'pose I do a bit, Sarah. I keep listening to how I sound NOW (like a five year old) and thinking how I sounded THEN (like a seventeen year old) and wondering if I'll ever get back to where I was. Is that the kind of thing you mean, or do you have something else in mind?

That's a good example, Mary. Thanks for sharing.

The only thing I was trying to say is if you're a beginner you have a clean slate but if you are restarting, you have a whole history that's been buried for many years. And when you decide to restart, you are digging up that old history and I think it's possible for people to be haunted by that in many different ways.

Hi Sarah,

I feel both haunted and helped by my history at the piano.

I'm haunted by the fact that had I not forsaken my play and development for long segments of time, I would now be in a more advanced state of musical and technical proficiency where pieces would be far easier to learn.

I'm helped by my past because of the much subtler musical knowledge etched into memory that helps me to regain most of what I thought I had lost more quickly than if now starting new. Learning, now, is more difficult than it was 30 years ago. Nonetheless, I'm delighted to have a renewed desire and I'm motivated to overcome the obstacles to learning.

That is a very interesting question, Sarah. I'll be watching this thread with interest.

I'm not sure if this is what you mean by 'haunted' but I used to muck around 24 years ago on an old piano. I didn't have a clue what I was doing and had no concept of music theory, scales, dynamics, notations, pedalling etc. I taught myself about 6 pieces purely through memory (I could not have possibly been playing them correctly) and wouldn't have known what to do if someone put a one note verion of 'mary had a little lamb' in front of me. I did attempt 1 or 2 lessons but then stopped when the teacher advised me that my playing was appalling. Nothing in the 24 years since.

When I started properly 5 months ago, I had no knowledge or skills to fall back on and no recollection of any of those 6 pieces I had played. I therefore consider myself a true beginner as I have had to start from scratch. Nothing feels familiar to me.

The only thing I could possibly have carried with me is perhaps a subconcsious familiarity of moving my fingers across a keyboard. Would I have even carried that? If so, I'm in trouble because I was doing everything wrong and would be carrying all that bad technique with me even though I only mucked around for a few months back then.

Am I a true beginner or a restarter? I never know how to answer that. This is how I feel haunted. I wish I had either not tinkered about before, or had learnt properly, as I am finding it difficult to judge my progress.

Interesting question and I think shimmer is onto something with the question "Am I a true beginner or a restarter?" I think whether or not you're "haunted" has a lot to do with how proficient you were before and the time gap in question.

In my case, I would put my previous skill level at perhaps advanced intermediate to novice expert (if that's not a contradiction in terms) and I am in some sense haunted both by the time lost and also that there's nothing worse than a remembered skill. Keep in mind, I'm only about two months into the restart but pieces that used to be trivial are now challenging. It's frustrating because I "used" to be able to play them and now I stumble.

I guess the more optimistic side of me says that because of my past I'll regain my skills quickly and start from a higher plateau - we'll see whether or not that proves true!

Hm, yes, interesting question.

I think my mother started me when I was about 4 or 5. I was compelled to "take piano lessons" for about ten years. What this meant, largely, was that I had to interrupt what I was doing every day to "practice." This often meant my mother yelling out the door to me across the street, in the middle of a football game with my buddies, "Mark, time to practice your piano."

Needless to say, this was not good for my standing in the community of ten year olds. My mother would often say, "Some day you'll thank me for this."

In the Southern towns where I grew up, piano lessons usually meant a retired mother or stay-at-home mom teaching as a sideline of sorts. I probably had about 4 or 6 teachers over the years. Several were pretty good and I was with them for several years. One I recall I really liked a lot (I recall liking her daughters quite a bit, too <G>). She lived in a much nicer house than ours, in a better area, and had a beautiful piano (and two beautiful daughters, but I digress). Anyway, the quality of the lessons varied, and the styles and approaches were sometimes inconsistent. But we plodded on.

Eventually, at the ripe old age of 14, I rebelled, and insisted on "guitar lessons" (which led to an even more ridiculous series of morons for teachers). Now, some...uh...35 years later, having fumbled around with stringed instruments all my life, I am a beginner at the piano again.

My new teacher is excellent. Went to Peabody, performs fairly often, is young and energetic and into teaching. He pushes me, but is also gentle with me. I'm loving it.

But...I had to laugh, as he played through a selection of 6 or 8 little pieces the other day, for me to pick one or two. These were classic small pieces, minuets, etc. Most of them rang very familiar to me...and I just *could not* bring myself to play them. I just can't go back there.

But playing the piano now brings back so many memories, things I thought were long gone. I remember one teacher smacking my hands constantly with a stick because I wouldn't hold my wrists up enough. I remember the recitals, right down to having to wear a stiff uncomfortable suit at the age of 8 or 10. I can picture the rooms of my piano teachers, some humble, some lovely, one was in a nursing home (God bless her, she was sweet, but she was so old, she really couldn't connect with me).

I also remember our poor old piano. It was truly a piece of junk, but somehow I didn't realize that until much later in life, when I was in college and they finally got rid of it.

I remember my mother playing it by ear, and singing. I think that's what I like the most about this, is how it helps bring back those memories.

I don't really love pop music that much, but the first song I learned a couple of months ago was "Moon River," because that was one of her favorites, and she always sang it as she did her housework. She's getting up in years, herself. She will visit us here in NY (from NC) soon, and I expect to play the song for her. And to thank her.

Sorry for the drama....but...on second thought, no, not sorry.

J Mark, what a lovely post! It puts a much more pleasant slant on 'haunted'.

J Mark, being haunted doesn't sound so bad. I imagine you playing "Moon River" for your mom will be one of the great moments in her (and your) life.

Hi Sarah,

I'm haunted by my past in a way. After not playing for 15 years, I still feel anxious when I come to parts of the piece which used to trouble me. The images of my teacher and what she said about those parts will come to mind..."Don't rush! Keep the wrist level and don't turn your thumb under!"

That's great that you're playing one of her favorites, J Mark. Your haunted story has a happy ending.

good question.....and thanks for sharing everybody.
I had piano lessons when I was 9 until I was 18.........at the age of 19 was the last time I ever touched a piano......fastforward 23 years: 3 weeks ago I started playing again.
Originally I only wanted to buy a piano for my children, until my mom asked me if I don't want to take lessons again myself. Piano was just something I had put behind me and I did not really want to think about anymore. I used to be really good, my piano teacher always thought I would do something with the piano professionally. But it just was not my calling....
I stopped playing when I went away from home to go to college......and I guess the longer I did not play the more I was scared of seeing how bad my playing had become. Then I married my husband and thanks to the Army we moved around alot, so that's another reason (or excuse...)for not having a piano.
Looking back I'm asking myself why I did not continue and make it my profession one way or another. I have been a stay at home mom for all these last 10 years, and since I'm not American I can't really fully use my foreign college education over here. Had I stuck with my piano, things would/might look different now. Our children are in school now and I would like to go back to work at least part time/half day.....but I don't really know what I want to do with my life now that I'm almost 42 LOL
Right now I'm practicing piano 3-4 hours every day and I must say that it is adding so much to my life and my personal happiness.
I am actually very surprised how well everything is coming back........well, of course not "everything", but it is going a whole lot better than I had anticipated. I just have to be patient with myself now and see how far and where I can go from here.
I guess you can say I'm a little "haunted", at the very least I am thinking alot about why I ever stopped playing and where I could be now had I not.

Helped, not really haunted.

An earlier restart was too stressful because my brain knew how to do the stuff, but my body wouldn't play along (as it were.) I gave up out of complete frustration.

This time (just recently) it was because a medicine I had to take caused peripheral nerve damage in my fingers and I lost the ability to play the cello (I can't feel the strings.)

The "Helped" part came in when in the middle of a minute of "poor me" I suddenly remembered the piano, dumped the abandoned cello and didn't look back. Returned to the piano as a way to re-train my fingers to work again, in a new way. (the damage won't completely reverse.)

So now the stress of "why can't I do this like I used to" doesn't exist because I physically can't do it the way I used to. It's about re-training now.

If I didn't know what was possible with the keyboard and switch to piano, I'd be doing the same work but in physical therapy.

As it is, I have more fun at home, get to re-hash the old music I played [expletive deleted] years ago. I'm having a blast every day, for as long as my hands hold up (I'm good for about an hour a day right now - we'll have that up to 1.5 by summer.)

...And I refuse to listen to any recordings I made when I was a precocious little piano/organ obsessed kid


Plus... I'm saving enough on NOT taking Physical Therapy to buy a new grand piano for the house!

---Cozy "I Don't Suffer Excuses Lightly" Writer

J. Mark,

Nice post. Time and wisdom have a way of changing our priorities.

"Moon River" will be a great gift for your mom.

Thanks for sharing.

DES,

Thanks for sharing your reflections, but don't harbor guilt over the past. Take advantage of what you remember to make beautiful music and happy memories.

I think when I first "restarted" six years ago, I was haunted a bit by my attitudes as a teenager. As a child you look at other kids and constantly measure yourself against them. I knew the pecking order of every student in my teacher's studio, and I was at the bottom in my age group and below even some kids younger than me. I always felt bad about that.

Maybe age gives you wisdom, or maybe that it's I have children myself now, but now I see that gifts are given to children randomly. Some kids are great at everything they try, some have a real gift for music, some at math, some socially. Not everything evens out, and it's a hard life lesson to understand as a child. But we can all enjoy life to the same level as long as we don't spend time comparing ourselves to each other. I couldn't see that as a teenager and quit at age 15. I lost so much not continuing on at least three years! But I don't dwell on it. I'm just glad I've restarted, and I'm glad I can put those early haunts where they belong--the past.

Nancy

J. Mark--Moon River is my favorite song! I hope you'll post a recording.

Nancy

Wow, lots of great stories and insights here. Thanks everyone.

CozyWriter, I'm glad you rediscovered piano, it's so nice to hear you're enjoying it again.

DES, I hope it all comes back for you. It might be sooner than you think. For me, it's been 6 months since restarting and each month I can feel myself getting a lot closer to where I was before quitting. But I was only away 8 - 9 years, which is a lot less than many of you.

SarahM, thank you for this very interesting thread !

Yes like most of you I feel both helped and haunted.
I'm helped by the fact that I learned to read music as a child - this has helped when singing and made me "stay in music".

I'm haunted by my memories of a teacher who did nothing but complain about my wrong hand position (or in fact my small hands). And I still struggle with having any kind of confidence in my piano playing.
For me it was like heaven learning to play on my own with focus on music in stead of technique - I think this year is first time I feel like having a teacher again

Ragnhild

Thanks for sharing your wonderful stories. This is an interesting topic because it is a question I asked myself many times. I am not a restarter but started from scratch 2 1/2 years ago. The point is, it seems that I always wanted to learn to play the piano from early on and never did. Then one day I was standing in my living room and there was this thought "A piano would fit in here nicely". It took me 2 years to find my piano and went to the music store the very next day to get some Do-it-yourself book till my local music school had a place for me. My first experiences were so moving, so emotional, and I couldn't explain it to myself. I really had to dig in my past to find out what was happening. I think first there was this old lady in my neighbourhood, I must have been around 4-5 years, she taught me to play the German equivalent of "Mary had a little lamp", I guess. Then my fathers old LP cupboard - I remember now that he loved to listen to classical music in the past, a lot of Chopin, and I remember that somewhere around age 8-10, when your not yet influenced by kids your age and pop music or whatever, I loved to snuggle into a sofa and listen to classical piano music - my two favorite pieces were Clair de Lune, Debussy, and Nocturne 9.2, Chopin, and a number of others. It is these two pieces in particular, that are waiting for me and my determination to be able to play them one day is as steadfast as Ayers Rock. And I am approaching at lightning speed!!!!!!

Thanks for bearing with me!

Patty

Patty--What a beautiful story. I think lots of us have certain pieces that are calling us. I know you'll get there soon.

Nancy