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Because teachers have egos and feelings like everybody else.

"Just bad chemistry" is never satisfactory. Not when your girlfriend breaks up with you. Not when you get laid off your job.

"Just bad chemistry" isn't satisfactory because it shuts the door for improvement. If you're told the chemistry is bad, that means there's nothing you can do to fix things - you are completely trapped. It's uncomfortable and leads to bad feelings.

I do believe that sometimes the chemistry just isn't right, but expecting people to accept that with no hurt feelings or awkwardness ignores basic psychology. Nobody likes a severed relationship, no matter what the reasons or circumstances.

It appears that a bunch of teachers were not the right people to ask this question of!

The teacher IS your employee: you pay him, his social security, retirement, the whole wad, indirectly. If, for ANY reason, the relationship is not working out, you have the right to go elsewhere, and should.

Whether you're doing the right thing by your kid is a different question.

Actually, en employer pays half of FICA out of their own pocket. It is not a deduction from the employee's salary. Same with unemployment. Insurance is usually paid for in part by the employer and employee, so again, that is money above and beyond what the employer pays for time worked. These are the costs associated with having employees. A contractor, however, has these costs all to themselves. They can pass the cost along to their customers in their rates, but in teaching music, which is often seen as a commodity, one has to be careful not to price themselves out of the market. If I considered my taxes and insurance costs when figuring my rates, I'd most likely be charging double what I do now, and also likely, not have many students.

Of course customers have the right to choose to do business elsewhere, which is why it makes good business sense to do one's best to make the customer happy. But if that means sacrificing your own ethics and beliefs in what you teach and how you teach, then it is probably best for everyone to let that student go.

I don't think anyone is saying that the OP has to stay with any teacher. However, there are inconsistencies in what has been said to leave some doubt as to whether or not that *is* the best course of action to take. All we can do is react to the information we've been given here.

If it's so riddled with politics and you feel uncomfortable just walk away. "Conservatory" is just a title -- do the legwork to find a teacher that your son does click with.

Also, don't assume he has his life as a professional musician all planned out at the ripe old age of 9 -- this has BURNOUT written all over it.

~Jennifer Eklund

Yo, Mr. Teacher-Basher:
STOP assaulting piano teachers with your "I'm the employer" attitude. It is REALLY getting old. Why don't you post something more useful instead?

Actually, actually. no matter how you cut it the money comes from the customer, one way or another unless the teacher is independently wealthy and uses another source of income to pay those things.

In my 25 years in the music business, I have met a lot of players and teachers who were jerks, just as in the general population. A teacher who makes kids cry and hate playing the piano should be doing something else other than torturing children.

Sure, we don't have the full story, here, but I certainly do see a pack mentality here in leaping to blaming the mom.

AZN, as the church lady would say, you are SO SPECIAL! Thanks for proving my point.

I think I'll hop on the "apologize and make peace" bandwagon myself. Especially because of what you've stated above. You'll feel better and your child will feel better.

I've always felt that learning music should be a labor of love. If it becomes stressful or burdensome then something is wrong somewhere...

Ken

I really don't think this school of thought (no pun intended) adds value to the matter at hand. I fear it will only create a wrong attitude about the relationship between teacher/student/parent. Wouldn't it be much more constructive to think of the relationship as being partners?

Ken

Thank you for all the help you have provided. This is a great board with some really nice helpful people. even the people who called me the mom-from-h*ll helped me : ) i know i can get very intense and this is just how i am. i burn out just as quickly and then mellow.

So what I take from your feedback is ....

don't take all this music education stuff so seriously. the most important thing is my son's happiness.

make sure his life is well rounded (it is).

be supportive but not hovering -- no more sitting in the room during lessons or being my son's music secretary! the teacher can call me on my cell phone if she/he needs me in the room for anything.

take him out of the conservatory for the programs that are too demanding for him (ie. piano studies). there are some great small music schools in my city with excellent teachers and they are more accommodating to students who need more flexibility.

i'm not going to change this institution, so just live with it. there are a lot of wonderful things about this school so just focus on the positives.

did i leave anything out?

But the customer is not therefore the EMPLOYER. You do not employ the people who work for Walmart, even if you buy items there. If you don't believe me, try firing one of them. They'll just look at you funny and get on with their work. Getting back to my point, you can hire a contractor, but again, you shouldn't tell them how to do work for you, because they have the experience and expertise that you supposedly hired them for! If a student or parent starts telling me that I'm not teaching them correctly, or that I need to teach them to play Sonatas before they learn to play hands together, then I will remind them that they are paying me to use my knowledge to help them be the best pianist they can. If they choose to ignore, or worse, contradict what I say in all matters piano, then there's a problem.



I know jerks in all walks of life, not just the music industry, so I don't see how that has anything to do with anything. She didn't say that the teacher made her child cry or that he made him hate playing the piano. Although I do think he may start to hate it from this whole experience. So again, that comment doesn't seem to have a place in this discussion.

I would appreciate if you did more than make two posts before you start accusing the regulars here of "pack mentality." I did not see anyone saying anything unnecessary to the OP, or anything unwarranted. Her reason for posting was not made clear, and so we were left to respond as we could. From her behavior, of which many of us have experienced first hand from parents, there have been questions raised that she has not answered. The behavior she displayed did not show resolution, but continued discomfort for her son to continue lessons. This whole thing is enough to cause a child to want to quit piano, just so that his mother isn't "tortured" by having to attend his recitals and do her very best to "avoid" the teacher. This is not healthy.

As many of the teachers on this forum are conscientious professionals, we cringe when we see such negative behavior taint what should be a wonderful experience for this child. So of course, we're going to speak out against it.

I understand what M Darnton is saying. If you are not happy, go someplace else.

But I also want to say that as teachers we stay clear of parents who think we are an employee.

I am self employed. I sell a product. It is called piano instruction. My students do not tell me how much I make, when I get a raise or how to do my job. They don’t “fire” me, give me performance reviews or pay my FICA. If my customers don’t like my product price or quality, they can buy from another shop.

I can agree partly with the idea that the teacher is the employee and the parent is the employer.

But it's a lot like saying the dentist is the employee and the patient is the employer. You can fire them if you don't like how they do it, but you really should conduct an interview first, and employing them doesn't mean you can tell them how to do their job.

I'm also in agreement with Darnton's last statement. I'm a little shocked that people are assuming this person is an overbearing stage mom trying to force her child to do something against his will.

There's something to be said for setting a high standard and approaching piano lessons with tenacity. Some of my best students are the ones who were not allowed to quit when the going got rough.

I realize there's a fine line, but why are we so willing to assume this person has crossed it? I never see people get this upset when a parent appears to be doing too little, and that's every bit as harmful. Doing too little means never pushing your kid so they end up quitting piano at age 14 thinking their a total loser because they never put any real work into it. They still can't get through an A Major scale and it takes them 8 months just to learn something with a title like "Jazz Cat Boogie Time" that has a cartoon cover designed for 6 year olds.

Kreisler, I think it has to do with more of the reaction to whatever happened, rather than the actual event itself. It places her son in a difficult position between teacher and student, and that is not healthy for anyone in the scenario, but most importantly not healthy for the son.

I do not consider her the mom from "H-E-double hockey sticks" I think there are some misunderstandings that need to be cleared up, and done in a mature way.

Yes, I think that is a fair appraisal.

On the other hand, perhaps the tone of BusyMom's OP laid the groundwork for some of the more negative aspects of the discussion that followed. Calling one's young child a major talent sets that stage for many skeptical responses.

the teachers say he's a major talent. i didn't invent that.

I think many teachers think of their students and families as "clients". Since I have to do IRS and other accountings in the operation and management of MY business, I do not consider myself to be employed by others. I am self-employed by definition and my "clients" sign "contracts" with me. I am also in control of what happens in my studio both in music education, behavior, progress and the stipulations of my studio policy and tuition fees.

I respect the clients and do everything I can to make their time with me comfortable and focused on doing my job which is to provide services that lead to producing a learning musician. My clients stay with me for long terms because they are satisfied. We "talk" to teach other appropriately about things that concern us, things to address to provide the support the student needs, and things to celebrate.

Being cooperative and invested in the student, no one has to raise their voice, protest, or confront an issue. Concerns are addressed when they are evident and the solutions are a contribution of each person involved - parents - student - teacher.

I responded to the OP as I did because of her statements about several PW identities and the way she protests in a music education system of high regard - any conservatory. When the student is identified as major talent it is more than ever needed that the parent behave intelligently and diplomatically with the administration and the teacher working with the student.

My take has completely been that the parent is creating obstacles. One clue was "trauma" and "drama". I am basically treating this whole topic as a "scenario" rather than a real inquiry as to what teachers would suggest. The OP (in my mind) wants to rant and be powerful over teachers opinions and I think that is continuing to happen.

If the son is a major talent this situation needs to be remedied before he is emotionally injured by the obstacles we are hearing about. Attitude is everything in negotiations and settling differences.

It would be wonderful to see kids supported by the team of parent and teacher. When that is brought to the argument stage no one is a winner - and the biggest loser is going to be the talented kid who is a major talent.

I wonder who we in the Piano Teachers Forum involved so far in this topic are tending to care most about?

The student!

Could be another David Helfgott in the making.



Let's hope not. But he did turn out allright in the end.

I did some reading up afterwards. Helfgott has bipolar disorder and a mild form of schizophrenia. The movie was a bit harder on his Dad than it needed to be.

There are loads of politics involved in these places. I fell foul of them myself when I decided to change teachers half way through my post grad course. My old teacher took it badly and made things as awkward as he could for me in my final year. Imagine my surprise when he turned up on the exam panel for my final recital!

Most of the big Conservatoires in the UK have junior departments which I guess are the kind of thing talked about here. Entry is by audition and the standard and expectaton is very high with many students hoping to follow a career in performance. It's little wonder that the teachers are tough and I am surprised that anyone would expect any different. What you get is hard work and strict discipline which is what it takes to make it in this business. There's no time for having fun and playing games. You can't enrol your child in one of these programs and then complain that the teacher is mean and is working them too hard. If playing for fun is the main objective then find a local teacher who offers a more laid back approach. But then don't complain when your child is way off the pace a few years down the line.