One of my 5th grade students (young lady) doesn't want to perform in community recitals any longer. After considerable probing, the problem is that there is a boy in her public school class who has no social skills to speak of, and feels free to critique everyone's playing, especially hers. Not when adults are around, of course. Some of this may be due to the fact that the girl is rather cute and there may be some dollop of infatuation involved. I'm not sure, because I can only get one side of the problem. However, last night, another 5th grader confirmed that the boy is extremely critical of other people's playing.

I'm sorry I didn't record the last recital, because I'd arm my student with a laundry list of imperfections committed by the offending student.

However, the problem is exacerbated because the teacher of the other student, while appearing to be very nice, barely speaks English, and so is pretty much limited to students from the same ethnic background. And perhaps criticizing other students is acceptable in this culture.

If it were my student, I would slap him upside the head (verbally, for all you literalists out there) and tell/explain that we never criticize another person's performance given in a social setting.

Fortunately, I control the order and scheduling of students in the various recitals, so can place the offending student in a group where either he is low dog on the totem pole (sorry about the mixed metaphors), change the enrollment form to include the school each student attends, etc.

I want my students to have a positive experience in recitals, and they certainly don't need to have critical reviewer tearing their efforts apart.

Thanks for being my sounding board, and any ideas you can contribute would be most welcomed.

John

John -

How about using your Saturday performance classes to discuss how to respond when confronted with an unwanted performance critique by a social idiot? Never mentioning the buffoon by name/grade/school of course. Your students will leave the session armed with a few social skills and come-backs to verbally deck this student (or others - you know there's always more than one). And your students who attend the school in question can support each other.

You could also place a statement on the program about proper recital attitude and manners. And make a statement to that end at the beginning of the recital. It is important for the parents to understand what constitutes appropriate recital behavior in this community setting.

It could also be that the student is repeating something he hears from his parents, teacher or other adults. I'm kinda suspicious of a 5th grade boy coming up with these critiques on his own.

Dorrie

This is a common problem in public school. Since the parents won't do the correcting, I find it's my job to intervene. There's nothing delicate about this situation. Take charge of the atmosphere at your recital. You must deal with this directly and quickly.

May I suggest you confront the young man in private. Tell him what you are hearing. He will probably deny it. Tell him that you understand he feels he didn't say anything wrong, but you are getting a lot of complaints and you need to make sure all your students feel good about the recital. Say if you hear any more complaints about his unkind criticism he will be denied a place in the next recital...and be prepared to follow though. Absolutely, tell his parents about your conversation but don't point a finger at the boy. Instead, put the onus on your unnamed students by saying, "I have been hearing some complaints from other students about... so this is what I have decided to do". Give him suggestions on the correct way to act. Remind him of your conditions whenever you can.

Then speak to the students who have been offended and assure them that you have taken care of things and they can relax. Don't tell them anything about how you solved the problem to avoid vengeful falsehoods by the girls. Just be reassuring.

If this doesn't solve the situation, follow through with your threat and deny him a place at the next recital. He will either correct his behavior or leave your tutelage. If he wants to continue learning in your studio, make him apologize in person or in writing to the offended party.

I'm guessing these are multi-teacher recitals, hence the term 'community.' Yeah, it's a bummer when the social etiquette is ignored. These are not master classes. They are celebrations of achievement. And why another teacher would think they have the 'master' skills to offer a critique is beyond me, especially if they don't approach you first. It's worse when there are all these overlays of children possibly mimicking what the adults around them are saying.

I think I've mentioned a variant of this happening to me, but it was a Russian teacher who violated the norm, not a kid. My son's teacher very politely handed this teacher her head on a plate ... and then was quite polite afterward; i.e. stern but not too aggressive.



Why can't you do this by contacting that kid's teacher? Even if the teacher feigns complete ignorance, the point will have been sent home. That teacher likely will talk to that student to ensure that peace reigns at the next recital.

Deborah, he's not my student. If he were, problem would be solved already! But I do appreciate and like your ideas!

I would have the girl carry a typed card that said

"criticism of a peer's performance is in bad taste....thank you for keeping your opinions to yourself"

that she could simply hand to him and walk away with her nose in the air.

Definitely contact the student's teacher about his behavior. That may be a social custom somewhere, but not in this country. If there is a language barrier, perhaps ask for help from someone fluent in both languages. If she is a colleague, she should understand your concerns and address them with her student. If I ever get a whiff that my students are getting hyper-critical, I am always very careful to let them know that those students work just as hard as they do, and they themselves have a lot of issues to work on (i.e., humble pie).

John,

I don't know if this suggestion would be overstepping or not.

Could you write a letter addressed to all the teachers who have students participating in the recitals? In the letter explain what is happening and the problem it is causing (without pointing a finger). Tell them that you are going to review appropriate behavior with your students and ask that they do the same.

This way everyone will be on the same page and if the teacher with the offending student does not speak good english he will have a letter for someone to translate for him. And if the issue repeats he will be familiar with your concerns if you speak with him about it.

Ken

Ah. I see. Upon rereading your original post, I realize I misunderstood. (Long day). Why not speak directly, politely and firmly to the student's piano teacher? I also think Ken's idea is a good one. Since this is a community recital, I see nothing wrong with asking the group to establish some norms of behavior. It might be possible to get the participating teachers to agree to consequences for derogatory remarks, even if those remarks occur outside of adult hearing. The consequences could still involve removal from the recital if the participating teachers agree.

Well...if I might offer a bit of a contrary view. The kid is a jerk, no doubt about it. But there have always been jerks in this world and there always will be jerks. Maybe the strategy to pursue here is not to try to engineer your student's world so that she never has to encounter jerks, but instead give her the tools and self-confidence she needs that when she DOES encounter jerks, she doesn't let them affect her own self-views.

A little bit of inoculation will go a long way, too; now that she's confided in you the reason she wants to avoid the recital, you can have a chat with her where you simply explain in a straightforward manner that this other kid's behavior is both inappropriate and inaccurate, and then ask her whose feedback she's going to trust more: the kid's, or yours? If she knows going into the recital, before she even plays as much as a note, that this kid is going to tear her and everybody else's performance to shreds, that will help her to see it for what it is: hostility masking insecurity.

Monica, I don't know if you have any kids of your own, but you sound like an experienced parent. Great point!

+1

I kept thinking this, but you said it well.

Cathy

Is this a Psychology 101 concept? Very precise!

But I'm afraid this is not always a case of insecurity. It might be the way that boy is treated at home or at his piano lessons, and he feels justified to do the same to other people. Isn't there a "defense mechanism" named for this?

Displacement

I agree to a certain extent, but if someone's being a jerk, they need to be called on it - especially if it's turning other students off on performing.

John can't control everything - the furnace breaking the day of the recital, so everyone's fingers are cold, bad weather, etc. What he has some control over is the overall atmosphere of openness of the recital, and he should exercise that control.

I would say talk to the teacher of the offending student. Also, a quick note, flier or announcement on etiquette - as another poster suggested - is a good idea.

Could just be plain old bad manners, too.

Reminds me on a micro level of the stories told by Lang Lang in his recent book, Journey of a Thousand Miles. In the cutthroat, competitive Chinese culture which he survived it was commonplace for students to play psychological warfare against other students. Not saying that is what is going on here with the different culture of this boy's student, but it is a consideration. I am with Monica that it is better to build kids with character, resilience, self-confidence and the ability to isolate their emotions from external stimuli rather than to try to engineer artificial, innocuous, risk-free environments. It is bad enough that kids are growing up with no immune defenses against bacteria due to overdone hygiene, but if they can't deal with impolite jerks they are going to have difficulties throughout their entire lives. If they are serious about competing in music, business or sports, etc. they are also going to have to learn to deal with others trying to psych them out.

Great learning moment to explain that not everyone is kind or is experienced at being kind, that you don't have to believe everything people say, that people don't always say what they mean and can have ulterior motives, that it is not impolite to ignore people who are being impolite and that in fact the best way to extinguish undesirable behavior in others is to ignore it.

Thank you all for your inputs. Wife Jane & I went out to dinner last night (we both needed a treat), then got caught up in Spike Lee's recent movie, The Miracle of Santa Anna. That's a 3 hr movie, so am just now reading your comments. Thank you all for your ideas.

Monica, you are certainly correct in your suggestion about the young lady. And yes, the world is full of jerks. It's just sad to see anyone have to deal with them at such a tender age. We've actually discussed this together and are working on strategies to do precisely that. And just because I can protect her by juggling the participants (we have three or four recitals, and I place the students), I don't know what is happening elsewhere, so in a way, it's unfair to other students that I protect my students from verbal bullies.

Ken, thanks for the suggestion. I will send a note to each participating teacher and I will also mention in our next chapter meeting, and stress the importance of being non-judgmental, otherwise, we're going to lose students and recital opportunities.

As there may be other students with the same behavior problem, perhaps it's best at the moment just to work on my student's self-esteem and how to deal with negative comments, and to make it a general policy of behavior for community recitals.

Hey, people can walk and chew gum at the same time. You can work on both halves of this problem simultaneously.

I like Monica's contrary point of view. In fact, most of us see the wisdom there, so perhaps it's not so contrary. But at the same time you are explaining to the kid about how to live with jerks you can be working on that teacher, or on the whole community that sponsors the recital, to develop a code of behavior. Even if a community code cannot be forged, you can let that other teacher know what happened in a clear but non-threatening way. If it happens again with one of that teacher's students you can administer some discipline on your own. It that teacher disapproves, so be it. You will have made your point.

It doesn't really matter whether the other ten year old is displaying insecurity, aggression, or simple bad manners. Your student shouldn't be driven from the stage by it, and the aggressor needs to be checked by responsible adults.

And now for a truly contrarian, and highly speculative question: are you absolutely sure that your young lady isn't using this as an excuse to get out of a situation (performing) that she finds uncomfortable? The other fifth grader may indeed be a nasty brat. Lots of ten year olds are, and most of them grow out of it. But his behavior may only be half of the issue.

This kid sounds like a bully. I am not in favor of ignoring bullies and hoping they go away. Yes, they are probably reacting from some personal problem - whether it be insecurity or narcissism. Or perhaps this kid thinks he sounds knowledgable by pointing out mistakes, or perhaps he has a crush on your student and can't think of anything else to say. But generally, bullies cause problems and need to be stopped.

With your students, perhaps you could assign a "protector." Have the students stay together in pairs, or with a parent. Teach them some phrases: "I'm sorry you didn't like it." or "I can't believe you said that."

Or, assign them a task, such as to count the number of critical statements. (This has the effect of diverting your student's focus off herself and onto the task, putting it in a more objective framework.)

If you have an opportunity to talk to the audience in advance, you might mention "on behalf of all the teachers" that any criticism or instruction needs to be between the student and his or her own teacher, only.

Now that is spoken from an experienced parent and teacher point of view..
I am afraid I remember pulling one of those "displacements" of cause / effect myself some years ago.. unsuccessfully..

No, the issue first came up months ago. She mentioned this kid's name after the Autumn Harvest recital, but I let the comment slide. This week, when we were discussing the Pop, Jazz and Duet Fest, coming up in April, she asked that she only play one piece. She's learned the primo of one duet, the secondo of a second duet, and has a nice rag for a solo piece. Obviously, if she plays the solo number, her duet partners will be out of luck. If she only plays duets, then she's missing the solo experience. Because of this, I started really digging. She's done fine in the past, including playing 15 pieces for a Guild judge, so something changed, and I wanted to find out what.

Later in the week, another student from the same grade and school confirmed the situation with the verbal bully. And my students aren't the only recipients of his barbs.

So now, in restating the problem, I see I really do need to discuss this with the teacher.

You can discuss it with the other teacher, discuss it with the student, but the truth of the matter is that you can't change other people; you can only change yourself. Arming the student with comments to respond with (which could even be as simple as "you are so sweet to complement me, thank you!" ... that should throw him off!) And as Ann Landers used to say, use the broken record technique...simply repeat the phrase and the other person will finally get bored.

I'm not sure if a 5th grader can handle all that, but it's worth a try. There are jerks all over, and learning to deal with them is a necessity.

The destructive effects of bullying are becoming better understood, and principals, school boards, even legislatures are giving it attention and trying to come up with ways to address it.

Since you mentioned that this is happening in a public school, having a talk with the principal might be one avenue to use. The old-fashioned method was for another picked-on student to give the bully an ass-whipping, but I think these days they try to make the expected conduct plain to the bully and also help them get past it through counseling.

I liked Deborah and Lollipop's ideas. It's true, working with your own student's coping tools is your main job, since she's a private student, but there's no reason the problem can't be worked from more than one side. (It may be the job of the public school teachers to take it up with the principal or guidance counselor, but some action is needed for the sake of all--- including the abuser.)

If she grows up to be a performer, wait til she encounters some critics! If you want to talk about getting smacked around by criticism...

I'm sorry this is happening to your student. She is lucky to have you in her corner.

Not to speak for John, but I don't think he's trying to change people. Sounds like he'd like to change some short term behavior in the bully, and ensure a more "welcoming" atmosphere at these recitals.

I think Ken's suggestion is fabulous. We all need reminding teachers and students alike how words can make or break a person. It might waylay problems that might arise in another teacher's studio or with another teacher. It might also help another teacher in getting into performance etiquette that might not know how to bring it up or what to say. Also if one does not speak another language or understand it very well, usually they can read it better than speaking and understanding it and as was stated get someone who does know how to translate in a way where there is no misunderstanding. I also liked Monica's advice of keep boosting you girl's morale as well and keep guiding her to self confidence, no matter how she feels the performance went, it is a learning process and there is always someone better than you no matter how good you are that can find something wrong in how you perform, take it, learn from it, consider the source and throw the rest away.

I appreciate all the ideas. Thanks, everyone.

On the news tonight, somewhat apropos of this topic, both houses of the Massachusetts Legislature passed, unanimously, legislation intended to address the problem of bullying in the public schools. The bottom line: the incidence of suicides of school-age children which could be traced to bullying.

I did not realize how truly serious the problem is. The more credit to John for doing his part.