I posted this in beg forum but I think it's more appropriate here. OK guys, I did something really bad. I lost my temper at the end of this last lesson because I was just so upset over my piano teacher's behavior, me feeling so discouraged by him. Maybe I'm overly sensitive but it really bugs me when my teacher pulls a face or makes exasperated sighs when I pull out new music sheet that I'm excited about learning. I'm shy already and being adult, I feel so vulnerable and ridiculous when I can't say, count to 3 while playing! His faces and sighs just kill my excitement and makes me nervous playing for him. Granted they're bit more advance, but I even told him I'd be happy just doing 2-3 measures each week. He's been doing this for few weeks now and in addition to the lack of praise, I've been really discouraged and unhappy. So after this last lesson, I just blew up and emailed him. In the email I pointed out all the things he'd done that had hurt me and called him an insensitive, discouraging jerk (not in those exact words but that's the jist)and that I was quitting lessons with him. He was obviously upset and explained that he had just been teasing me. He did not know that I was so upset about it. I realize I should have talked to him about it instead of emailing this blasted email, but I tried to apologize by email to him twice now and I even called and left a voicemail apologizing, asking him to call me back. I feel horrible. It was a misunderstanding really. And he is a good teacher when he praises and I've laughed before at his jokes. It's just I get defensive when I feel attacked and ridiculed by him during lessons, and I explained all this in my emails. I don't know what else to do. He doesn't seem to accept my apology. I guess it's irreparable damage now, right?

Switch teachers anyway. If you have problems like that, it's really not worth it and you won't learn much..

Agree

Yeah, I suspect he's giving you the silent treatment so you'll feel really guilty and never do it again. Rather poor form to not even respond to your repeated apologies. Don't worry, I'm sure there are other teachers out there happy to take you.

+1
It's water under the bridge now. Chalk it up to a learning experience and keep it in mind as you interview new teachers that might be a better fit for you.
Good luck.

I think it is best that you leave this teacher. Maybe the teacher might do this again to you. I agree with the other teachers. It is not a good fit and he is not listening to you. For him not giving you positive feedback is not good either. Also for him giving you the silent treatment is not a good negotiating technique either. Good luck.

You may have overreacted, but your teacher was being unprofessional in acting like that. A teacher should realize how vulnerable students are. It doesn't sound like "teasing" to me.

IF he's man enough to reply to you, you may be able to work things out. If he doesn't reply, he has some immaturity issues to deal with, and you will probably be better off elsewhere.

Sincere best wishes either way!

Elene

You mentioned "He was obviously upset and explained that he had just been teasing me". This suggests he attempted to apologize for his behavior too. I say "attempt" because he did not say he did anything wrong, just explained why he did what he did (and was hopeful you would not take offence).

It seems to me it could be over if you let it drop. Just show up for your next lesson and focus on the lesson. You've done all you can do. You've apologized for your behavior, and asked for forgiveness. You may not find out whether he has already forgiven you or whether he nurses a grudge for a while. I would not bring it up again with him.

I think whether to change teachers is a separate issue. Sometimes it's worth ending a relationship after blowing up, but only if the reasons that lead to the outburst are not going to change and are truly no longer acceptable.

How long has it been? Is it possible that he just hasn't gotten the message yet, or has been too tied up teaching to call you back?

I don't know - to me it sounds like it really could be an honest misunderstanding between you two. I'd probably stop sending messages, and hang on to your next lesson. Then you can actually talk to face to face, which is usually a better way to resolve this type of stuff !

BTW - how long have you been with this teacher? My teacher sometimes does things like that too (he sighs when I pull out certain well-worn pop pieces that I haven't quite mastered) - but I've been with him for 3 years now, and honestly, it did take awhile before I got when he was joking

Actually, that lesson was the last one I paid for before this happened. I just don't understand how someone can't accept another person's apology. It's very immature. He's in his early 30's so there's no excuse. Did I hurt his ego this much? I understand totally that I was out of line for blasting him like because it was very disrespectful to him and he may have been disappointed in my behavior (as well as surprised). I'm shy so I usually smile even if I'm upset. I think he never saw it coming. I asked him if we could try lessons for 2-3 more months until I find a new teacher and in his "apology", he has refused to continue lessons with me. I guess, I don't understand why he can't get past this despite my apology. He has refused to meet me again to talk about this and also has not returned my phone call. I feel humiliated too over this whole stupid misunderstanding. I really don't want to run into him now, it's so awkward!

What did you learn from this?

Have you identified anythings that you might have done differently?

What do you think he was saying to you when he communicated by body language?

If you really meant your apology you will have no reason to try to avoid him in the future. You should have confronted him at the time it happened by representing how this was making you feel. If you had spoken in person it would be a different circumstance. Gathering up all your anger on a piece of paper and sending it is quite the "spitball".

Who is right and who is wrong is not really the issue.

The biggest problem that I see is that you were not together in your relationship of teacher and student and neither of you communicated responsibly to each other.

Don't say things you won't have to take back.

I hope I have said something that will reduce the anger and pain you feel.

What either of you are able to do about the problem would be about your own integrities and your own respect for the other.

It may be much too late because it was all from both of you - antagonistic in nature, in my opinion. He did receive a heavy barrage from you, an overload of pent up information that was scathing.

How much do you want to make amends? Amends does not necessarily mean that you would be able to work together again. However, maybe his message that offended you in the first place might be the most important message he has to give you. Would you be willing to listen if he would tell you about it instead of make the face?

Relationships being 2-way streets and all.

Betty Patnude

Sorry to hear your teacher has dropped you from lessons. He has decided you stepped over a line and he's no longer willing to deal with you. It's not about accepting an apology. It's about boundaries. I have only dropped one student. One thing about being a private instructor is you get to decide which students you are willing to teach.

At this point you're looking at finding a new teacher. Maybe you can reflect on your part in this, and learn from it...perhaps avoid making the same mistake again.

Your next teacher may be just what you need...hopefully more supportive and a better match for you. It can all be chalked up to a learning experience, and now a new opportunity to start over.

I don't think the student was dropped, Anne.

Yeah, I think she was:

The thing about being "shy" is that it seems to be an excuse for not being forthright. Funnily, I see his sighs and grimaces as HIS way of dealing with things rather than just head on. Some would call this a version of passive-aggressive behavior on both sides.

I hope you've learned something about dealing with issues face to face rather than via email.

Regardless, I think it's too late to assign blame. That is how he teaches, and that is how you react. Oil and water. Time to move on.

I would be very up front with another teacher and let them know that you need lots of support, verbally, and prefer to learn slowly, a bit at a time. Hopefully that will help you find a match for your learning style.

It sounds to me as though he wasn't really teasing when he did it, but came up with that excuse once you called him on it to make you feel bad. This is very manipulative behavior. I would stop trying to get him to accept your apology. You've made it, even though I don't think you had to, and if he doesn't accept, it's more a show of his character than yours. I would never be that way toward a student who was enthusiastic about a piece, even if it was advanced for them. Sometimes I let them try it because I know they'll practice a lot more for it, and also with a warning that it is more advanced than where they are, but that we'll work on it. I also let them know it's OK to work on a piece and then let it alone for a while and come back to it when you've learned more.

Spend your time instead looking for a new teacher. One who encourages. Always encourages.

Thanks Lollipop. I missed that.

Betty, you're absolutely right. I made a lot of mistakes. And I think he did too in assuming that this form of teasing was OK.

What have I learned? Definitely that communication is very important and that I should have talked to him about my feelings the first time I felt it. I did not do that because I felt uncomfortable discussing feelings with him -- somehow the words "I feel discouraged by your lack of encouragement and by your behavior" just didn't seem like a very professional conversation to have. Did I have a right to feel? I was there for lessons only. Ultimately I should just have told him how I felt.

I do not dislike him. We definitely had some good laughs in the past. Things started to change the last 3-4 months, perhaps when he began feeling more comfortable around me? I've been with him almost 1 yr now. That's also around the time I started showing him pieces I was excited about. It was definitely his body language that upset me -- as I said, the faces and sighs that he'd make at every lesson. I was always nervous and anxious. I'd come into the studio and tell him the piece I'd been working on, pull the book out of my bag and literally look into his face for signs of approval. Sometimes, I saw raised eyebrows, sometimes he'd pursed his lips or snicker before sitting down by the piano. I do want to say though that he would correct me and make recommendations to improve my playing. It was his attitude that offended me. I felt disrespected definitely. I felt my taste in music, my abilities as a player all disrespected.

I will look for someone new and I think it will work better this next time around. I do feel though that I lost a very important person in my life so I was upset over this misunderstanding. I thought we could work it out but apparently he felt we couldn't. He never officially apologized for his behavior, nor denied it. He described it as teasing -- his exact word.

Morodiene, you're exactly right. I believe that's the case too. He did recognize that his behavior had offended me, but decided to describe it as teasing. I think he might be embarrassed too over his behavior and just can't face me? I don't know.

Another take on it:

You had a year of him thinking he was doing everything okay, and you resenting every gesture and imagined insult. Then you blew up.

Okay, that's a harsh way to put it. But see how there's another side?

If you had been able to verify some of the little things he did, you may have realized he had no disrespectul attitude at all. We can't be sure how well you interpreted what he did. And he might have changed the way he approached you.

Always write this kind of letter in longhand with pen. Then don't mail it. It makes you feel better without having to eat your words later.

Another thing to keep in mind (as was pointed out in the other thread) is that it's better not to invest so much in others' approval. I never look at my teacher's face for signs of approval after I've finished playing something at my lesson, because I already know whether I've put in the work or not. We spend the time focusing on things that need to be fixed and nothing is taken personally.

I'd like to remind everyone that we only have one side of the story here, and even so, there are several things in the OP's post which bother me and perhaps bothers other teachers.

I wonder if, for example, the teacher explained that the material the OP wanted to play was too difficult, and it's not a good idea to expend large amounts of time on material you cannot master, because you lack the foundation technique? It sounds like he might have and in fact, may have explained it several times, and was becoming a bit exasperated over the insistence by the OP to "learn" it anyway. Or at least try.

FWIW, many of us prefer the teaching approach of bringing students to a level where they can nearly play the newly assigned material without major problems. There are other teachers who do teach measure by measure, and they are effective to a degree, but often, their students cannot read new material and are thus denied the pleasure of reading and playing for themselves. This is a difference in philosophy and if, as an adult, the OP wants to learn this way, then they need to seek out a teacher who teaches this way. But if I had to guess, I'd guess that finding such a teacher isn't going to be easy.

Another flag for me was that the OP couldn't count orally, to 3, while playing. This means to me that the material is too difficult for the student, and the student should be switched to more elementary level material.

As we weren't there, I'll leave the she said - he said discussions to others!

TimR, you're right . I've been saying from the beginning that I am probably mostly at fault for interpreting his faces and sighs the wrong way? perhaps he makes faces and sighs when he's excited, I don't know. I would get upset but just ignore it, week after week. Each week this happened and I let it go, I felt more and more belittled. I need to say that he did not display this type of behavior at the beginning of lessons, the first 6-7 months or whatever. I enjoyed lessons with him then, we had good laughs. It was later on when I started showing him pieces I was excited about. If he had objections, he should have voiced them, and broached the subject himself. Oh well, in the past now

When you tell someone those sorts of things in an email it can make them feel very awkward. I can understand why you did it, but I can also understand why he is refusing to speak to you. Teachers and students do have a relationship, and it's not that different to other kinds of relationships. If you wrote those kind of things to a friend, they'd be hurt and wonder why you couldn't say them in person, and would find it difficult to address the situation with you afterwards.

Well, it works the same with a teacher, but because the only thing you have connecting you is the teaching itself, it makes it even more difficult to get over it together. If he were to continue teaching you until you found a new teacher, there would be a constant feeling of sourness with him knowing that you were going to change soon anyway. I don't see how it could work.

Also though, it sounds like basically you did the right thing in stopping lessons with him, even if he was 'just teasing' you, it sounds like really there was an incompatibility between you which probably couldn't have been resolved.


Good luck! I'm sure you'll find a new teacher who you get on better with. Sometimes in life you just have to accept when something's gone wrong and move on.

I would agree with this diagnosis, though diagnosing this sort of relational issue at a distance is always fraught with difficulties and uncertainties.

On the other hand, for me I would not be looking for a teacher who always encourages. A teacher who is sour, or who always disparages would certainly arouse my hostility, but I think I would want a teacher who could give forthright criticism without always sugar coating things.

The OP may need a bit more encouragement, and that may form part of her next teacher search. I'm getting the sense, however, that she understands that she didn't help the situation by holding everything in until she exploded.

The key thing may be that old Greek aphorism γνῶθι σεαυτόν, or "Know Thyself." Know your needs and work to build a relationship that meets them.

John v.d. Brook - The counting to 3 was just an extreme example. Yes, this is my side only and I really wish I knew his side! I'm willing to listen, he's just not talking. I was hoping for some insight here . Guys, I'm not bashing him. Sure, I'll take the full blame for being too sensitive, to excited about my music and for relying too much on his approval. I don't play for anyone else but him, so I felt it natural to want his approval. He was my teacher. If he says I'm doing a good job, I know I am.

Communication can be a problem. Teachers may expect adults to be more savvy than they are or just not know how to approach a situation.

Argerich, many teachers will choose pieces for the purpose of teaching something that you need to learn, and at your level. When you choose pieces on your own, that can get in the way. The piece may contain things you are not ready for, and divert from what you need to learn and may even spoil something that he is trying to acquire. You cannot know that. He probably didn't know how to state it. So you are both caught in this miscommunication. He's frustrated about these pieces you're bringing in, maybe trapped by them. You're bewildered by his lack of enthusiasm because there is a certain emotion driving you.

What frustrates me about this scenario is that it could have been a chance to continue on a different plane. If he could have told you his goals for you, his way of working, and how that would help you, then your interaction might be a lot more effective as well as pleasant.

I went through a period of misunderstandings in lessons and waited way too long to get to the bottom of it. I suspect it is common between adult students and teachers in particular. Who knows - it might exist betweeen teachers of children and parents as well.

Keystring, are you being serious or facetious here? Sometimes I miss obvious deadpan humor. We have, of course, seen evidence of this is in dozens of threads here.

I was being serious. Do we not see misunderstandings between teachers and parents, frustrations by teachers toward parents and vice versa? People exist far too much in a state of wonder: wondering what the other party is thinking, or assuming things. Communication is tricky business.

It sounds to me like your e-mail was basically what it should have been, including the emotion, and I don't know if you need to apologize for anything.

100000% absolutely right, without a doubt.

But unlike what I see in most of the posts, I don't think she necessarily needs to change teachers, and if anything I think she shouldn't, at least just yet. I think this incident could be a good springboard for them.