Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers. Who says pilots and controllers don't have a sense of humor.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

________________________________


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make
up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"


________________________________


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

________________________________

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


________________________________


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the
end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the
Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
________________________________

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich ,
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"

________________________________


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

______________________________


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,rolled out, turned around,
and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came backwith a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

________________________________

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but
how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active
runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you
not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."


________________________________


While taxiing at London's Airport, the crew
of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to
turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C
and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: " Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
Stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive
taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I
tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
cockpit out around
Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke
the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:


"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Thanks for pointing this out in your newsletter, Frank. I don't know if I would've seen it otherwise. My dad has a pilot's license and will get a big kick out of these, as did I.

Kinda related

http://www.rb-29.net/html/03relatedstories/03.10.funstuff/17.qantas.htm

Good Review of the Old Stories.
I was once told by a controller that the FAA didn't allow them to have a sense of humor anymore (which I thought was rather funny) and that they really had to tone it down. As a commercial airline pilot I regularly hear things on the radio that make me chuckle, but nothing like some of these.

How long has Pan Am been gone?
How about Eastern?
or TWA?

There are few B727's, DC-10's or Fokker 100s operating in the US, and none for Major Airlines (United, Delta, American or US Airways).

great stories!

Great stories but, I suspect, apocryphal -- or very old. I've done a bit of piloting (in the UK) and airway discipline is pretty strict. Bandwidth is limited, and pilots are trained to talk almost in code, to mimize the amount of airtime used. It's unusual even to hear a complete sentence, let alone sarcasm.

The longest non-code exchange I've ever heard was:

Control to pilot: [callsign] Please be advised that if you don't land in five minutes, we're operating unlicensed.
Pilot: Oops! Sooooooryyyyy! [callsign]

These are so funny! Came back to read them again...

Great, thanks!

>"not been to Frankfurt before?"
>Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

LOL

>"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Great move!

>Control to pilot: [callsign] Please be advised that if you >don't land in five minutes, we're operating unlicensed.
>Pilot: Oops! Sooooooryyyyy! [callsign]

Unlicensed, do airports close at some time? Or do they have a permit to operate?