I had awkward situations teaching adult males who became attracted to me (it was not mutual) or their wives spied on the lesson and became jealous or suspicious and treated me like a potential homewrecker.

One lady thought I was having an affair with her husband because I unknowingly mailed her child's recital memo to her husband's office when I thought I mailed it to their home. I used the listing found in whitepages.com because I did not have my rolodex of addresses handy. I knew their home address had the word "lake" in it, and when I saw the word "lake" in the whitepages listing, I assumed that was their home address. I later discovered the office address also had "lake" in it.

The lady put the opened envelope on the chair I sit in during lessons so when I came into the lesson, I would see it. I was puzzled by that -- it was not a love note, it was a freakin recital memo. I didn't get that. Anyway, she asked why I mailed it to her husband's address. I explained everything I just explained earlier and she went and looked it up herself and discovered I was not lying.

Nuts to that kinda crap, now I just teach kids.

I am a Mom of boy/girl twins, now 10 years old.
My daughter's music teacher is female. My son's is male. When my daughter was younger (6-7 years old) she was very uncomfortable around men. I don't know why. She has since outgrown it, But at that age I wouldn't have considered a male teacher for her.
Now, at age 10, it would be fine and more about the individual's personality than gender.

My son can sometimes be silly or squirmy, or unfocused. He has done very well with his grandfatherly piano teacher who doesn't hesitate to be a little gruff with him when necessary, or to use goofy language or gestures when that is more appropriate. There are women teachers who could do the same thing, but it might not come as naturally and the guy connection has been a plus in this situation. My son loves hearing stories from his teacher about things the teacher did as a kid. Little League is a big topic between them, for example.

PS My piano teacher is a man and I am always raving at home about how great he is. I must have a secure husband because he never gets jealous!

You just haven't met his female piano teacher yet!

I don't agree with that teacher, but I do insist that an accompanying adult is somewhere at least within earshot of the lesson. I have no problem in communicating that this is purely for my protection. Their child is in no danger from me whereas the slightest allegation could damage me considerably. I refuse to be complicit in society's paranoia.


John

I've always had my studio space set up where the parent could sit somewhere within earshot, so it's almost like sitting in, and of course, no closed doors so that they could always come and look if they wanted. In my new home, however, there is an open floor plan and so the parent would be sitting right there. Sometimes I find parents can be a distraction, not from anything they do, but the child knowing that they are there will sometimes look to the parent to answer questions for them, things like that. This only happens with new students who take some time to get to know me. So it's not ideal as it is, but I think if I rearrange some furniture and maybe get a nice room divider I can make it so that the parent can sit there and not inadvertently interfere.

We can none of us help the way we're made. It would, I'm sure, be discriminatory to have an 'unattractiveness qualification' for teachers.

But that's not my point at all. I would have thought that the appropriate reaction for a teacher whose teenage students tend to find him or her attractive is: "how can I minimise the impact this has on my teaching practice?", and not: "I'm so wonderful."

Is "discriminatory" bad? When you choose which teacher (or which anything) to employ, you are discriminating. Should we be forced to just take the next in line, as specified by a union or a government agency?

Precisely, kevinb. I am all too aware of my teenage male students and what most likely their minds wander to. I try to be especially judicious when choosing what I wear for lessons for this very reason. Not that I have clothes that are particularly showing (I dress very modestly), but I might wear something a bit frumpier than usual LOL. I also keep a healthy distance and try to avoid touching if at all possible, although at times it is necessary. And I make a point to speak often of my husband (fondly, of course).

You can't IMAGINE how sexy we men find that!


Thus indicating EXACTLY what's on your mind at the time!

The serious point being, if someone has decided to latch on to you, NOTHING you can do will deflect it.

Male teachers probably are experiencing some degree of gender bias.

The same thing is likely happening to massage therapists. Some women simply won't go to a male massage therapist, and some men will not go to a male massage therapist. And no one objects to the female M.T.'s.

I can understand the massage therapist selection bias; to me its obvious. I won't have another guy touching me... its not my type of thing. If my girlfriend goes to a male massage therapist, it doesn't bother me at all (though I spoil her with massages anyway).

However, I will NOT go to a male hair stylist, and I will not go to an unattractive female hairstylist either. I am very strict about this. I have had a few too many experiences of hairstylists being too "frisky" with me, and two occasions when fat hairstylists simply leaned their blubber on me the entire time. I insist on enjoying haircuts, rather than spending the time cringing or fending off someone's advances.
So, now I have wonderful hairstylist who is within a few years of my age (mid-20's); she's pretty, charming, and talented. And before anyone gets any ideas: she's frequently offered me her email address and I reply "sure, later when I can write it down," and I never bother to get it later.
I enjoy haircuts too much to risk making it complicated. And I have often scheduled a haircut the day before an important date anyway.

You're the only man I know of who enjoys and takes haircuts that seriously. For me it's a task on a to-do list......but this is off topic so I'll shush up.

So the crux of the matter really is that you enjoy "fending off" a pretty 25 year old girl's "advances" but not so much an overweight 25 year old's "advances".

Actually there are some women who don't like to go to female M.T.s. I would never have thought of it, but a coworker once mentioned it and I thought it was kind of odd. I mentioned it to my husband who has friends that are M.T.s and he confirmed it was not just my coworker, he knew of many women who felt that way. To me a massage was just a professional service much like physical therapy, I never cared if the therapist was a man or woman.

I wouldn't put it like that, and I wouldn't say my stylist made any "advances" (and I wouldn't stop her if she tried). As far as I can tell, she is in a happy relationship, and I would expect her to date someone a bit older than me and with a more established career than I have, anyway. She's just very friendly and pleasant to talk to. I can look forward to getting a haircut; whereas some guys dread haircuts and act like they are going to the dentist. Did I mention that the haircut chair is padded like a LayZBoy recliner, they give me a softdrink, and I can watch ESPN while waiting?

For the bad haircut experience: I didnt like when a woman crawled onto my lap and talked about having me in her future, while she waved scissors around my scalp and eyes. It's bad enough if someone gets too close for my comfort, it's much more awkward if they do it while holding sharp tools.

Maybe I could compare it to having a favorite restaurant or bar. It may not have the best food in the city and it may not be the most convenient, but they are very nice to me and I feel comfortable there.

Yes, I take my haircuts too seriously. I have nice hair, and I probably won't have it forever. I will enjoy it while I can. No one could blame me for that

Well, at least you're honest - you see sexuality as an important part of a haircut, and you admit at least the possibility of homosexual interaction!

LOL. I said I won't go to a male hairstylist, but I have gone to male barbers and they have done a very good job at a great price. But I prefer a bit more styling, combined with the option for fashion advice.

I knew I would open a can of worms. Should I also mention that I insist on only having a female dance teacher and female dance partners?

Maybe foolish. Who you dance WITH is one matter. But the best choreographers have always been men. And, if I was worried about style, I'd always choose a gay man friend as my shopping companion. He is INTERESTED in the subject (male attire, not me!) Women tend to either be boringly practical or try to dress you up as THEIR fashion accessory.

Not at all, it sends a very strong message if I feel it's necessary. I cannot control people, but they can certainly know where I draw my boundaries.

Then Heaven help you when you get old enough to need rectal exams. Of course, female doctors are prepared to do this for their male patients, but often their fingers aren't long enough to reach far enough up your arsehole.

That was obnoxious.

-J

I'm a straight man. Now, if the world's most beautiful woman gave me a massage, I wouldn't mind (of course)! However, for all real world purposes, I need a good strong massage when I do get a massage. So my only criterion really is strength. So I don't care about gender, age or looks as long as the M.T is capable of giving me a strong massage because I'd like to get good value for my money!

Exalted, I very much agree with you. It is interesting that, at times (I've not done the research that could warrant a generalization that includes today), men have dominated the fashion world, and have often been the leading choreographers.
I could learn a lot from a male dance instructor, and there are some things like body language and hip/torso movement that would be easier to learn from them than from a woman instructor. But, the actual practice would be less helpful, and I'd end up learning how to dance with men rather than women. Because women have longer legs, a different center of mass, and tend to be shorter, there is a big difference when actually dancing with a partner. So yes male instructors are very qualified and would be good, but a woman instructor is much more suitable.
Also, the world's most respected hair stylist may be Vidal Sassoon, who is very much a man, and he did a charming interview with NPR months ago. I would pick him over my hair stylist any day of the week, but he charges more than I could afford (and I'd need to fly to wherever he is). I don't think a haircut from him could really be hundreds of dollars better, but he would be a wonderful person to meet. I think that he is out of the realm of real-world possibility, so it's safe to exclude him from my generalizations.
My basic concept is: I can get a great haircut from a very charming lady for almost the same price as I could get a haircut from anyone else. I'll stay with the charming hair stylist. I know that my preferences can be a source of amusement for others, but I never thought they could be so controversial.

For fashion advice, I guess it depends on the friends involved, and it gets even more subjective after that, and I've strayed from the thread topic enough.



Kevin,
I think a doctor visit is a different category from something that I enjoy, and the same preferences do not apply. I think I would prefer the doctor be discrete, rather than pick one based on gender.

My apologies for dragging the thread off topic. I will now attempt to drag it back.


I think that I would base any gender preference for the teacher more on my current situation, rather than an underlying preference. In other words, I would just rationalize to support whatever teacher I happen to have; though gender would be the least important consideration possible. And honestly, people often use rationality to justify a pre-existing preference, rather than to establish the preference in the first place.

If you take part in endurance sports (and probably in other circumstances, too) massage is therapeutic -- part of the recovery process. It isn't different in principle from seeing a doctor for any another health concern.

But if you find massage by a person of one gender agreeable and by the other disagreeable, then you are treating massage as a kind of sexual activity. And that's absolutely fine -- I can see absolutely no problem with saying that one prefers sexual activities with one gender more than the oher

The problem is generalising from something that people (some people at least) consider to have (at least to some extent) a sexual motivation, to the process of teaching, which should not. You can't generalise from what's appropriate in massage to what's appropriate in a teaching setting.