My new teacher (I've had four lessons with him) holds quarterly seminars for his adult students. It's a chance for students to play for each other and receive feedback in a fairly informal setting. I went to my first one yesterday with no intention of playing anything, though my teacher had asked me if I would. I have rather severe performance anxiety--it's been with me all my life--and have never, ever, in over 2 years of playing piano played for anyone. Only the people I live with (my husband and daughter) have ever actually heard me play an entire piece. And my teacher, of course.

Well, after everyone had played (7 people in all), eyes turned to me. I admitted that I had brought my music, and so everyone naturally encouraged me to play. Which I did. Painfully, haltingly, and with hands shaking so badly I could barely hit the keys. Everyone was nice about it, but honestly it sent me into a huge funk. I cried while driving home. Music means so much to me--especially Bach, which is what I played--that it was so painful to have it come off as it did.

Anyway, in the light of a new day I am trying to view the experience in a positive way. 1) I actually did get up and perform, which I absolutely insisted I would not do, and 2) I did get information from the experience that I hope will help me in the future. Now at least I know what performing is like for me (excruciating!), but perhaps there are ways I can mitigate that next time.

What have you learned from awful performances? Have the awful performances ultimately helped you become a better performer?

Well it sounds like it went every bit as badly as you feared it would. Yet here you are...not dead, injured or hiding in the corner under a blanket afraid to show your face. So that's the biggest lesson to learn, even when you play really badly it's over in a couple of minutes and you can move on with no harm done.

I think quarterly is a good schedule for you. Resolve to play something again next time and I'll bet it goes better. Maybe not great but better because you won't be taking a jump into the unknown. And the time after that, it will be even less scary.

Everyone was nice to you partly because they don't want to discourage someone who is trying a new thing. And partly because they appreciate you making the effort and joining in the seminar. And partly they were nice because they can afford to be. Keep in mind, your performance was just one little part of their day. It did not seem near as horrible to them as it does to you, you're just the one this time who happened to struggle. If they've been doing this for quite a while they probably have each had what they would consider a terrible seminar performance.

Ditto Brent. Nerves like that come from one of 2 places, either being unprepared or being inexperienced with live performances. The first one you can fix by working on your piece until it's comfortable playing at home and in front of your teacher. The second reason you can fix by playing in front of people as often as you can. It's like a slide for a child or a new roller coaster, the fear is far worse in your mind than in reality.

Also keep in mind that there is no such thing as a perfect performance. We all make mistakes. If you expect a few mistakes, you can take the pressure off of yourself for making them. Worrying about mistakes often leads to a bad performance. Try to enjoy playing the music instead of focusing on what's bad about it. And at the end of the day, if all didn't go as planned, tell yourself "Next time".

I think you're thinking about it in the right way. Don't get disheartened and remember that all performers have had really bad performances, even the best of them. Like Brent said next time you'll know what's coming.

May I also suggest that you try a couple of things prior to the next recital? Firstly don't try to avoid nerves. You will be nervous next time, but not as much as this time. All performers are nervous to some degree prior to a performance.

Also expect that you won't perform quite as well as you do in private no matter how much you've practised. In other words allow yourself to believe that a few mistakes will happen, that you will be nervous but that you'll do fine and better than last time.

Finally, try getting in a few 'performances' of your pieces before the recital if you can. Also increase the ' intensity' each time. For example, firstly play for your daughter or husband only and say that you are about to perform a piece but that they should just mill about in the background. The next time get one or both of them to pull chairs up to the piano and listen while you perform. The next time do the same when more of the family are over. The next time when good friends are over. Then ideally in front of poeple you know less well if it can be arranged somehow. Then come the time of the recital you will have much more experience under your belt and hopefully more coincidence.

Cheers

Thanks, everyone. Your replies are helpful. It didn't help much that I went last, after several of the advanced students had gone and played their pieces very well (at least I thought so).

If anyone cares to weigh in, I'm wondering...Multiple times yesterday, I hit wrong notes then kept going back to correct them and/or I'd lose my place in the music and there would be awkward pauses where I'd frantically try to figure out where I was. Probably because I was looking back and forth from hands to music. For next time, do you think it's better to practice as much as possible not looking at hands? Or maybe to memorize so I don't need the music? I'll be asking my teacher what he thinks, but I'm curious if anyone has an opinion on that. Oh, and when I hit a wrong note (and "when" is the word, not "if") is it better to just keep going, rather than to attempt correcting it?

I think it's important to be able to play without looking at your hands, reading the music. So that's what I would advise. If you have to take a break from reading the music to look at your hands for a large jump, practice exactly where you will look down, and where in the music you will look back when you return to the music. Also practice being able to glance at your hands, in your peripheral vision, without losing sight of the music.

Others here are phenomenal memorizers, and will probably advise you to memorize, so you can look at your hands. I'm a terrible memorizer, and find reading music to be an incredibly useful skill, so that's where I put my efforts.

In a performance, you should keep playing without going back and correcting notes. Keeping the rhythm steady makes the inevitable mistakes much less noticeable. This is something you can practice when playing by yourself: force yourself to keep playing, keeping a steady beat. Try doing this also when playing for your teacher in lessons.

We had a chorus concert last semester where we came in two beats late in one part. Afterwards, our director told us that if something like that happens, we should look confident and on no account look panicked. By not revealing the mistake in our faces, we get the audience thinking "maybe Handel wrote that part with chorus and orchestra in canon at a distance of two beats" instead of "oh my, what a terrible mistake."

Good for you for playing for people.

Tut, tut, sweet child of the Pianoworld forums.

You're one of us now, too big to fail, and we'll be here when you have a need day or night to wrap you in our embrace and push you back onto the piano bench.

Bear in mind that Edison said he'd discovered 10,000 ways on how not to make a light bulb. So, one performance down and a few to go 'til the expert status overtakes you one day, when you're not looking.

You tried - scariest thing in the world - and on that account we are quite proud of your effort. So, there, take that. ;-)

Your obvious love of, and passion for the music, will carry the day. "Oh, what it cost a singer not to sing, a dancer, not to dance."

No one here will cast stones, and none here will judge as harshly, as you already have. Stop that, go to your room, and practice. ;-) Play it, the way that you know that you can.

You came here, told us of a bad day, and asked how to learn from it. Nothing will stop that train, once it leaves the station. Nothing. Knock 'em dead, next time around. I know you will.

--Pat

The last recital I participated in, my teacher "made" me memorize the tunes beforehand. Then I actually used the sheet music for the recital but having it in my memory as well really eliminated the lost thing...and the worrying about getting lost.

Consider next time playing something really really easy that you can actually memorize. Just to get the experience of performing something you know beyond "good enough".

[EDIT]

I know this isn't a general purpose recital war story thread but what the heck...

The recital I just mentioned was last year before I took back up playing the piano. It was a mandolin recital and I played a set of three Scottish and American fiddle tunes. The quirk of it was, since my teacher is 3,000 miles away and I take lessons via Skype the recital was also on the other end of a Skype connection. So I watched all the other students do their pieces on piano, fiddle, cello and mandolin then everyone gathered around a computer with a big LCD screen and watched me do my tunes.

I was fortunate in that my nervousness wasn't quite so bad not being physically in front of a room full of people. But I was also lucky that my teacher had strongly encouraged memorization because about 3/4 of the way through my set I snuck a glance away from the sheet music and checked my computer monitor...I saw about 15 elementary-school-age faces all squeezed around the webcam and screen on their end with that wide-eyed look that little kids adopt when watching something intently. I literally jumped halfway out of my seat!

But I managed to hack out the final dozen or so measures of the last tune from memory anyway. Even the big "flourish" we had built onto the end of the set came off fine. And all those kids applauded and grinned at me. It was quite an experience. On the one hand, having a computer and internet connection between me and the "audience" was less intimidating but on the other hand when you do a recital in person you don't look up and see that many faces what's seems like inches from you!

I would prepare for the next recital one or two pieces that are easy for you to play. Very easy.

The goal is to succeed at playing in front of people without crashing and burning.

The goal is not to succeed at playing what for you is near or at the edges of your ability. You can play those pieces later for them.

As Brian said earlier, knowing your music thoroughly is one of the two keys to performing in public. (The other is doing it over and over).

Therefore, an easier piece is most likely more known and more comfortable to you.

I have been playing in bands and solo forever, and always start out shows and gigs with a piece or two that is very well settled-in, as a warm-up.


(Sorry, Brent, I was writing this as you posted. Great minds think alike!)

One thing that often calms my nerves playing for others is to shift my focus from "me and how am I doing" to "channeling" the composer. If I am thinking "hey folks, listen to this beautiful melody Beethoven wrote, or I am going to play this lullaby as if I were playing it to my baby, etc." it changes my focus which helps avoid self-consciousness.

Stanza,

That's a great point. I almost always approach playing for anyone other than myself with the idea "Here's a great tune, let me play it for you". Not so much as a way of dealing with nerves as just, that's the way music feels to me. There are so many beautiful songs out there I could never get tired to playing them.

Brent, Indeed! Also, there are so many "warhorse" pieces that that your average John and Jane Doe have never heard of.

At the moment I'm mostly sticking to published "easy piano" arrangements of Great American Songbook type standards. Many of which I've never even heard before. What's cool is my mom (who simply lives to hear myself, my sister or her kids play piano) recognizes all of them. She'll either sing along or if she can't remember the words she'll say "I don't remember what that one's called but I haven't heard it in years".

I can't give you piano-specific advice, but the best advice for any kind of anxiety has already been mentioned. You have anxiety because you fear what will happen if it goes poorly; well, the worst that could happen happened and it didn't kill you. In addition to realizing that you can survive even the worst case scenario, I think sometimes it helps to analyze why exactly you are afraid. Are you worried about what the other people there will think? Well, they were encouraging and kind; they didn't point and laugh. As someone else stated, it was just a small part of their day and I bet the next time you go in they will all be friendly and won't give your previous performance a second thought. Heck, you might not see any of these people outside of these performances ever again, so does it really matter even if they did give some sort of negative reaction?

Even if you realize that it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, it still takes time for it to set in. Sometimes falling on your face can be a blessing in disguise because it allows you to see and experience a situation where the world doesn't end. Your attitude is great so far; I think you'll do better each time going forward!

The secret is to keep going to the recitals and playing. Each recital will be easier than the last. It's like practicing a difficult passage, it gets easier and sounds better each time you go through it.

May I add that is exactly what a recital is for? Getting used to playing in front of others? It is for your good.

Suggestive treatment:
A good stiff shot of scotch.
If that doesn't calm the nerves.
Repeat dosage until it does.
Don't drive home.

Don't take any of Rostosky's medication.

Playing in front of real, actual people (other than your family) gets a little easier each time. I have extremely limited experience myself, but have played at piano stores and also, at Costco (where I had a cheering audience...lol).

I guess a form of a "dry run" at public performance is playing the ABF Quarterly E-citals, or, YouTube, or both. I know it's not quite the same as live performances, but many here can attest that it's nerve wracking also (look up red dot syndrome, and you'll know what I'm talking about). I'm still very nervous in all my videos knowing that I'm putting my playing out there for the world to see, but just a little less nervous each time I do it.

I'm working on my performance anxieties, too, but I haven't taken the plunge and performed in over 20 years. I got this book (yes, I am a bookworm) in attempt to get over the shyness. I haven't tested it yet, though :p Plus, because I have not had the opportunity to use it, I have even forgottnen what it says. I will have to read it again. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, in case you are interested:

http://www.amazon.com/Performance-Success-Performing-Pressure-Theatre/dp/0878301224/ref=pd_vtp_b_18

I think congratulations are in order for taking the plunge and doing your best it can only get easier.

I think you should give yourself a HUGE pat on the back and be VERY PROUD of yourself. You were unprepared and you have performance issues but you DID IT. That's amazing. Most people that I know who perform say they practice for mistakes. Meaning if they mess up the decide what they will do ahead of time. Plus all the other people practiced for that gathering and prepared for it and knew they were going to do it. Next time you will do the same and you will be prepared so even if you are nervous you hands will know what to do.

I remember years ago I was testing for my blue belt in Tae Kwon Do. Obviously I had tested before but for some reason I was extremely nervous for this text and I had messed up doing my form. I paused for a what felt like an eternity as I panicked (in my mind) then suddenly I thought "just keep going". When I was done i expected the instructor to make me do it over again. I waited and waited but he never said anything. I told my friend who had been watching the test how I messed up. And he said he didn't know all that was going on and that my form looked fine. So I probably only paused for a second. And it was because I practiced that from so much it became second nature.

So, practice your Bach because you love it so it becomes second nature and even if you nerves get in the way you will be fine. Also, even my teacher says she messes up. Where all human all the famous people we admire so much mess up and get nervous. So don't worry so much about getting nervous. Learn some ways that will help calm yourself down and remember you will survive. Maybe with a little bit of a hurt ego but that's ok that's what life it about.

I also think when something is so important to us it makes it a little harder because it hurts more if we feel we don't do well or worry more if we fail.

Keep practicing and keep playing in front of other people and one day you'll look Bach (he he) at this and think remember "that" day-wow I've come a long way.

You can spend too much time - and I'd say you have - thinking about this. Even the title of this thread is a way of underscoring what seems imprinted for you as a disaster of a performance.

Clearly it was not. You got up and played in front of a crowd of strangers, and played Bach for them. That's a heck of an achievement! You were hugely nervous, and it showed, but you did it, and it sounds as if you received nothing except warm feedback from your fellow performers.

You'll have to decide if you want to do try performing again. If you do, all the above advice of other posters is helpful. Don't wait another quarter to try again. And remember that your listeners are much more forgiving than you yourself are.
Peter

oh I just remembered. My teacher said you practice differently for performance. Not how you practice for lessons. So your teacher will probably show you that.

when you hit a wrong note you just keep going. A former teacher of mine who was preparing for a performance said when she practices for a performance is shes practicing for mistakes. So if she messes up she has a plan as to where to pick up again. Also, you should practice it enough so you know it well and the music is just a guide. so really you'd be playing by memory and just keeping an eye on the music in case you for get a part or mess up.

QL, I am so sorry you felt so discouraged after your performance! This is something I struggle with myself-- playing in front of someone who is listening critically (I mean expectantly). Normally I'm a church pianist so it's totally different-- they appreciate me, I am useful, I am accompanying, it's not a focal point. But when someone is listening TO me it makes me feel nervous and un-musical and annoyed and resentful. Sort of like when someone is staring at you, and you get irritated and say "What are YOU looking at??" So I just want to be left alone. But, alas if you love music, it has to come out... past nerves, fear, whatever.

One night I was practicing a piece very diligently (you know, over and over, trying to work out all the hesitations) and I thought, "If I blow this piece during the lesson, it will be so sad to think about all the effort I put in during practice, like it was all for nothing." It really did seem sad. And futile.

But then I thought, "No it can't be futile. If I am working this hard, it can't be to create something so fragile that it could just crumble in a moment of pressure."

Well. I *totally* flubbed the piece during the lesson. Teacher let me play again with some suggestions, and I did even worse, so bad my face turned red. But this week it is coming together quite nicely. There was something I did not understand about the hidden melody, which I understand now, and it flows, and I feel much more confident. One thing I know about my own nervousness: If there is the slightest weakness in my grasp of a piece, if I miss it only 5% of the time in practice, there is 100% chance I will mess it up when someone is listening. But the piece I messed up, it didn't make me feel helpless or discouraged, there was just something more I needed to understand about it.

What Bach piece was it, and can you work on the things you messed up? Performance can be a harsh magnifying glass for your hidden weaknesses, but also very useful. I would just work more on those spots, and try again. The Bach, and your love for it, and your hard work, must be more real than your nerves!

(Edit: Oh, and the first time I even played for a church service, my hands were surprisingly okay, but my face was bright red, I was hyperventilating and my heart was racing, and my *legs* were shaking so bad I could hardly put my foot on the pedal, and I felt like I was sitting on jelly and was going to slide off the bench and collapse under the piano. But these things *do* improve with repetition, believe me!)

cefinow, the piece was the Allemande from French Suite 5. It is one that's been on my "someday" list, but my new teacher thought I was up for it. (Which I am, but not in front of an audience!) So, really, I have to cut myself some slack--playing Bach (hard enough under normal circumstances), playing a piece that several weeks earlier I considered slightly above my level, and playing for the first time in front of strangers. It's a miracle I actually made it through! (I too have a huge issue with being looked at or focused on. I cannot STAND when someone is reading over my shoulder. Ditto even my teacher sitting right next to me watching my every move! But I put up with that out of necessity. Sometimes I think I'd do much better at my lessons if my teacher would just go flip through a magazine or check his e-mail or something while I'm playing. That'd reduce the pressure, for sure!)

Honestly, the most useful thing I've taken away from this experience (at least what seems most useful now) is that I wasn't helping myself by playing the Bach. Next time, I'll do something simpler, easier to recover from when I flub, something I can do with my eyes closed if I have to.

It helps to hear others' stories of difficult performances. I feel like this is a rite of passage and I made it through with my spirit intact!

I have actually had a almost identical scenario happen to me on multiple occasions, and there are only really five things I have found that help. The first four have already been mentioned by most people here. But I don't think the fifth has.

The first is really make sure you have no technical hang-ups with your piece. You should be able to play it a bit faster (or slower) than what you actually want.

The second is memorize your piece. And by memorize I mean literally have it so well memorized that you could, if asked, write out the entire score. I think Brian mentioned memorizing it before you learn it at the piano. This is a suggestion I would certainly recommend.

The third is to practice your piece in front of a real audience. In fact, we here in the ABF could be your audience. Do what I did and make "one-take videos." Make it so that, regardless how bad you play, you still have to post it.

The fourth is to play something you find relatively easy. This will also help with memorization.

The fifth is to just try and ignore the audience. e.g. Play as if nobody is listening, or pick specific elements of interpretation to focus on as you go through the piece.

If your next performance is as bad as this last one. Do not despair. Eventually things will click.

There is a great scene in the movie Immortal Beloved, where Beethoven, because of his deafness inadvertently mangles the conducting of the 5th piano concerto. The orchestra players then refuse to perform after repeated demands by the Maestro, at which point the audience begins to laugh at Beethoven. So Beethoven, like the badass he is, just looks at the audience with a kind of intent that says, "I'm [censored] Beethoven, who do you think you are laughing at me! I will kill you all with just my stare! GRRRRRR."

Next time you walk up to that piano. Don't just walk up to the piano. WALK UP TO THAT PIANO LIKE YOU ARE MOTHER [censored] BEETHOVEN!

Here is the scene:
http://youtu.be/7_yKPjeNk-k?t=6m54s

Dear Quodlibet,

I think you did very well with that performance. I know how hard it can be to go through performance situation both from my own students and also from my own past. It is difficult. But the only way to start performing is really starting performing. And that is just the thing you did. I am proud of you. The next time will be positively different I think.

Now, instead of loading you up with tons of information I would like to ask some questions. All these questions can play an important role in performing and learning an instrument. Of course I am open to further conversation and I am willing to share my experiences and knowledge. Questions to think about.

1) What happens in a persons brain if strong mental tension occurs? How does it affect for example playing the piano? What happens with the body then? In which mental state is the brain most (more) efficient?

2) Do you really know all the musical material you perform by heart? Can you write down the piece from memory?

3) What happens if you make a mistake while performing and feel bad and guilty?

4) What happens if you make a mistake and accept this as a normal part of life and learning process? And despite the mistake hold up joy from music?

5) Is a piece for you an accomplishiment or a journey?

6) Do you play pieces mentally (without the piano) as well?

Your love for music is a gift. And the fact that you have worked for years with the piano shows that you are steady.

I believe in you.

Best wishes,
Jaak

i found this page useful:

http://www.davidleisner.com/guitarcomposer/noname.html

The key is to expose yourself to playing in front of others as much as possible. I'd suggest setting up a video camera and recreate trying to play well in a one-off situation. Also, can you ply in front of family more often?

When I was a kid. Went to "contest" with my school. Never did a solo before for anyone. Never played or practiced with a piano accompaniment before. Kids were coming out of the judging room saying: "Oh she's tough!" Nobody got a first rating. I got all nervous and went in there. Started trying to play perfect. Something swept through there and just knocked me out after four bars. I stopped. Told the piano where to start. I was then completely relaxed. I figured I had blown it. So I started playing the way I knew how. The way I would in private. Didn't care about the judge anymore. Ignored the piano. Even at the end I threw in a toot toot to toot. Didn't have anything to lose. The piano got all upset at that. The judge smiled at her. I left the room. Told everyone I didn't get it. Figured I'd just wait under a tree then go home. A little while later, my band director walked up to me and said: "You got a first rating!" I looked at him kinda funny. Couldn't believe it. He said: "Go on up to the table and get your medal!" I walked up to the table. A lady handed me my judging sheet and a medal. I opened up the sheet. And in big letters all across the page. She wrote: "I enjoyed it!" I was still confused. Had to think about it. Now my band director was rather uptight. But when the music started. He just turned on. Could walk by a practice room. When he heard someone inside playing. He would turn on and listen. I had to think about the judge. I checked with other schools. Nobody got a first rating on a solo that I knew of. Some quartets and such did. But no solo. Here I had stopped four bars in and got a first rating. Why? "I enjoyed it." That's why. I played music. I learned that day that all they want is music. They don't give a diddily about mistakes. Just make music for them.
I now very much follow the advise I have in my signature.

In voice training. I'm taught to go sing anywhere and everywhere I can. The reason is that performing in front of people changes the voice. You have to deal with it. Make adjustments. So do it and get used to it.

I had my first recital as an adult last June (one as a kid) and bombed big time. I hadn't had lessons for 31 years and had only been back for about eight months and had just one piece reasonably ready to go (Dawn - from the movie Pride and Prejudice). I practiced and practiced the piece- as much as an hour and a half per day, everyday. I did my best to prepare mentally and was fully accepting of the fact that I would make some mistakes under pressure. However, I was not prepared for the quantity of mistakes I ended up making - even in passages I'd had down pat. And to make it even worse - I hit the very last chord wrong. Afterward, my 11 year old daughter commented that my mistakes wouldn't have been so obvious if I hadn't made faces - good advice, but hard to implement.

I went home and sat out in my backyard and cried and cried. I decided that playing piano was definitely not for me and that I would never play again. About two hours later I had an epiphany - the recital didn't matter one bit because I am not aspiring to become a concert pianist and am playing for my own pleasure. However, at my lesson the following week I still got teary when my teacher commented on my performance (she was very kind).

Last month, I had my second recital. I did fine for the first half of the piece (The Storm by Burgmuller) but somehow managed to lose everything on a repeat I'd played almost perfectly the first time through. I spontaneously looked at the audience and said "I'll start that section again" and then an amazing thing happened a few notes in when I again bobbled. I thought to myself "I can do this" and somehow from that point on I was able to focus on my sheet music but without any distracting thoughts. I played almost perfectly to the very end - and even hit all the final chords right. At that point, I could have kept on going because I'd somehow managed to get into "the zone." So while I was disappointed that I was still not able to get through a recital without obvious errors - I am encouraged because I can see growth. I am going to work at playing in front of friends on a regular basis between now and my next recital in about six months.

As someone has already mentioned, the purpose of a recital to develop performance skills, not just showcase our ability. Now that I have survived two recitals, the embarrassment and fear factor is diminishing. Hang in there - things will only go up for you from here on out.

quodlibet:

Thanks for the post. It brings back memories of my Christmas concert.
You've elicited a lot of comments that will help a lot of us who've been there,
or haven't yet had the courage to try.

A teacher once told me:
You never play as poorly as you think you do,
or as well as the audience thinks you do!

If possible, you might try playing for people who will simply appreciate the music,
not criticize it. Even though I'm only a "3rd year" student, when I would visit my mother at the nursing home, I would try to play some of her favorite tunes. I botched most of them,
but she recognized and appreciated the music, and so did the other residents. I got nothing but compliments and expressions of appreciation from people who seldom heard their piano played at all.

I'd expect the same would be true for children. My grandchildren are easily impressed, mistakes or not! I remember when I was a child, I loved hearing my mother play, even though her performances then were probably no better than mine now.

I find when I do things with the intent of genuinely pleasing others, I try harder, and eventually get better than I ever thought possible.