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and whoever painted that piano green should be ARRESTED! ick!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I love this humour! Really funny Mark!

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too, soooo I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge didn't even blink before saying "Case Dismissed".

Don't forget to schedule your mammogram!

Happy Saint Patrick's Day

Look at this beautiful weather we're having.

THAT . . . is an intelligent ZEBRA!

Anyone . . . UP for summer?! . . . soon!

• ATD - At the Doctor's

• BFF - Best Friends Funeral

• BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

• BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

• CBM - Covered by Medicare

• CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

• DWI - Driving While Incontinent

• FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

• FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

• FYI - Found Your Insulin

• GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

• GHA - Got Heartburn Again

• HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

• IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

• LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

• LOL - Living on Lipitor

• LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

• OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

• OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

• ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

• TOT - Texting on Toilet

• TTYL - Talk to You Louder

• WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

• WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

• WTP - Where're the Prunes

• WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help… GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In!)
=

I was going to say "hats OFF to Winter", but I'm not sure WHAT to say????

I'm feeling old today

People who hear what other people are thinking are in mental hospitals!

Are you reading my mind again, BDB?

I cannot do it when I have my aluminum foil deflector beanie on!

Don't the girls all get prettier at closin time

Church Ladies With computers.
They're Back!
Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with computers. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'heck' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is heck?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

You might a redneck if......

You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

~ You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

~ Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

~ You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

~ You refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year".

~ Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

~ You ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

~ Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.

~ Your parents met at a family reunion.

~ You have the taxidermist's number on speed dial.

~ Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

~ You have more belt-buckles than pants.

~ You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

~ Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

~ The fifth grade was the best Six years of your life!

I SEE you are being funny again Jerry!