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Ok, how about this for young Chris G.: smile, nod vaguely, and say, "Of course, dear; you'll look wonderful, and everyone is going to have such a great time."

This is not the kind of thing that generates a lot of arguments from brides.

Clef, that's perfect.

Fortunately the wedding song situation has been resolved in a way that gets me off the hook. Our guitar player and our vocalist will be performing it as a duet. With the summer vacation schedules there is only one day when we can all get together to practice before this wedding but this way the two of them can work out the song while the rest of the band is out of town.

It's always a good idea to make the singer and guitarist do the extra work.

Sounds like a fine solution.

And Today in Wedding Reception History:

"On June 29, 1613 the Globe Theatre went up in flames during a performance of 'Henry the Eighth.' A theatrical cannon, set off during the performance, misfired, igniting the wooden beams and thatching. According to one of the few surviving documents of the event, no one was hurt except a man whose burning breeches were put out with a bottle of ale." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Globe_Theatre

My copy of The Complete Works (Oxford, 2nd ed.) adds, "no one was hurt, 'except one man who was scalded by the fire by adventuring in to save a child which otherwise would have been burnt.'"

Readers may take their pick of the burning britches (and the ale) or the rescue; either way, the house was rebuilt the following year. But, Shakespeare or not, the Puritans closed down The Globe in 1642, replacing it with dreary tenements, and also did away with both burning britches and ale.

In the present century, news reports this morning warn that eager shoppers at the Grocery Outlet wedding dress sale have been menaced by gasoline thieves, snaking shoppers' petrol in the parking lot.

i wish I could lay on the ground and pound the floor with my feet and fists.. I can't believe i gave away those weddings. Oh well. I am totally ready to get back to work.. wish I could drive.

Don't worry, Apple, the brides just keep on coming. You might have missed a few, but there will more, that's for sure.

"...I can't believe i gave away those weddings. Oh well. I am totally ready to get back to work.. wish I could drive."

Dear Apple, you could stack up a pile of marriage licenses (single thickness per) from here to the Space Station, and having you get well would still be more important. Believe me, these people haven't had a problem with living in sin up until now; they will keep.

Meanwhile: take a taxi. I drove a taxi in San Francisco for a year (worst job I ever had, but that's another story), and I can tell you for a fact that the drivers and dispatchers get to know someone like yourself, and come to prize them greatly as a customer. You will very soon be in a position to pick and choose among the drivers.

"Hello, Bill," you will say, calling the dispatcher by name, "It's Apple."

"Yes, ma'am, Miss Apple," he will say, "I'll have someone there in five minutes."

"Thank you, Bill," you'll say, "But please send me Joe this time, if you can, not Sam."

"Don't say another word," he'll assure you, "I already know all about Sam. Sam is out. If I can't get Joe there right away, I'll send you someone you'll like even better. And thanks so much for calling us again."

Before long, Joe will be waiting outside your door at the proper hour on Sunday morning, without your having to call at all. "The cathedral again, Miss Apple?" he'll say as he opens the taxi door for you.

Apple, Clef is right. I spent 15 years in NYC without a car. I used a car service and they were reliable, friendly, and got me where I needed to go—and believe me, it was hardly EVER a cathedral. At one point I was spending upwards of 400 $ a month on the car service (a fact that still makes Mr. G cringe), but that was still a lot less than the cost of keeping a car in the city.

Anyway, take Clef's advice (as usual, he's right). When you're ready to go back to work, hook up with a car service or cab company and let them do the driving. In the meantime, focus on your health and stay home and practice! When you go back to work you'll have the world's finest wedding repertoire.

It's International Wedding month at the castle. Coming up for me is a Turkish bride. The groom requested Turkish music for the ceremony but the banquet director talked him into using me, which truly sounds like a recipe for disaster. I will talk to the groom personally next week and give him a chance to back out.

Tonight we will have two weddings going on at once—this is always tricky, because many brides think it's bad luck to see another bride on the big day. Last time this happened at the castle, we had guards at each salon door (with walkie talkies), just to make sure the brides didn't run into each other in the main hall.

I could take a taxi.. I think they hang out at the hotels that are about 3 miles away. People in the burbs here rarely call taxis.. and I do have a driving son who I am willing to pay. The last time I called one for an airport ride it took them 40 minutes to get to my house.. I about had a heart attack.


it's about time.

It will be a cold day in heck when I get to do a wedding at the cathedral. I can see playing there. .. I have a special something, if not the credentials.

"It will be a cold day in h when I get to do a wedding at the cathedral."

Apple--- darling Apple. The pastor himself admitted that the unfortunate incident was all his own fault, and even the happy couple seemed to be understanding about it. It is not every day that a wedding is solemnized, accompanied by "The Service for the Dead," rather than the proper "Wedding Service." Though I understand that certain denominations frown on secular works for the church wedding. (Funerals--- though I try to avoid them--- seem to enjoy a bit more latitude as long as the works are seemly, possibly since they feel it's already too late to reform the guest of honor.

Anyway, I'm sure that you played it beautifully. Frankly, I thought it was one of the better wedding stories we have seen here.

"The cathedral again, Miss Apple?"

"Thank you, Joe. The side entrance this time, please."

"Yes, ma'am. I'll be back for you at the regular time."

Hmmm... I don't think it's superstition as much as Bridezilla/Wedding Diva stuff going on. Each bride wants to think that SHE is the queen of the universe on her special day and doesn't want to share the attention/glamor with anybody else. The guards with walkie-talkies are a good idea.

And good luck with trying to make solo contemporary piano sound Turkish, by the way. Maybe a compromise with you playing some pieces live and then a recording of his favorite Turkish ballad interspersed would work.

"...many brides think it's bad luck to see another bride on the big day. Last time this happened at the castle, we had guards at each salon door..."

Why do I have the feeling Robin left out the phrase, "...with orders to shoot to kill..."?

Well. Not even a charge of Brandishing (even that would have been on CNN on such a slack news day), so it must have worked out.

And "Today on the Wrong Side of the International Date Line of Wedding History:"

"The wedding between Albert II, Prince of Monaco, and Charlene Wittstock took place on 1 and 2 July 2011 at the Prince's Palace of Monaco. It has been described as Monaco's "biggest party in 55 years" since the wedding of Albert's father, Rainier III to Grace Kelly.[1] Prince Albert and Her Grace first met in 2000 at a swimming competition in Monaco in which she was participating."

Prince Albert and Princess Charlene

I believe any comment would be superfluous... except, perhaps, to wish the happy couple good luck. But, we make our own good luck around here. (The same could be said for bad luck, but that would be superfluous.)

I am sure that Princess Charlene wanted Apple to play the service at the cathedral wedding in Monaco, but did not wish to take the chance of disturbing her recovery. Now that I think back, my close friend Ann had a TIA some years ago. She made a complete recovery and was quite well afterward; it took about a year.

Looks like they had The Eagles to play for the wedding. I wonder if it was the same Yamaha I tuned for them.

Of course Princess Charlene (why doesn't that name work for me?) wanted Apple to play. The problem was, she expected Apple to swim to Monaco. You think brides are bad, try dealing with sharks.

Monica, I've put the Turkish music in the hands of the groom. I told him no way, no how, and he seemed to respect that. So we'll see what he comes up with.

RE: Dueling Brides—"Shoot to kill" hasn't been discussed, but there are several large staircases at the castle that would be good for shoving.

"ACHTUNG!!! Outta the way, Jennifer! Jessica is rounding the corner and her tulle is fluffier than yours."

i can swim, I've been to Monaco but I need to go to Omaha.

hope all is well with everyone. I am on some schedules again. yay.

"...but there are several large staircases at the castle that would be good for shoving."

You know better than to get me started with this. Anne Rice could do something with it, something with the right atmosphere. Let's just confidentially whisper the word 'wedding planners' among ourselves.

"Oh, be careful, my dear--- these lovely marble stairs are so slippery."

There is a loud scream; the clipboard flies through the air, missing the matron of honor by less than an inch, but striking a tray of filled champagne flutes.

The maitre-d quickly orders double shots of brandy served to everyone in sight. The walkie-talkies crackle with crisp orders to divert traffic, call an ambulance, and send in a mop.

The accompanist shrugs, and begins "Marche a la Turque."

ha ha

"STOP THE MUSIC!" screams the event planner for bride # 2, who unaware of the fate of bride #1 is making out with the maid of honor in the ladies' room.

"Sure," says Friedhelm the accompanist, who is sick of playing that 'Marche a la Turque' anyway. He heads to the bar and orders a saffron gin on the rocks.

Event planner #2 rushes down the steps to retrieve bride #2 from the ladies room, leaps over the puddles of spilled Ruinart, and pauses on the landing, just for a moment, to kick the unconscious bride #1 out of the way. Bride #1 is upside down and completely covered—except for her skinny legs and satin shoes—in white tulle, seed pearls, and pieces of the squab-on-a-stick cocktails that were "accidently" tossed down the steps by event planner #2.

(Next writer take it from here . . . )