Piano World Home Page Forums Our Most Popular Forums Adult Beginners Forum Aspirational Crush

Ok, so I have signed up with another name, to spare any embarrassment, I’m not a well known member, so don’t be trying to guess!

I am a female adult who has a total teenage “crush” on my tutor.

Firstly, I’m not here to ask “what to do about it” because I intend to do nothing at all psysically! We’re both in relationships, and I know it’s a totally aspirational emotion, its not real, basically I’m crushing on his ability, autority and experience, rather than him, and I am fully aware of this.

Someone once said “Its difficult to not fall for someone who believes in you more than you do” and I think that’s the issue. Hes considerably older than me, is just a lovely bloke, supports me in every way, including some out of lesson issues and ofc motivates and encourages me in lesson as every teacher should. I’ve got totally swept up in the love of playing the piano, and the person whos tutoring me.

I’m pretty sure this must happens a lot (knowingly or unknowingly to the tutor!) and need to know how long will it last, its difficult to concentrate being around him, and its frankly driving me nuts!!

So what I do want to know is:- Will my emotions just fade off after a while? Or is it always going to be like this?

Do you think he minds? I’m a bit of a natural flirt, always have been, with anyone, cant help myself (Verbally!!) if you were a teacher, would it just make you uncomfortable, or would it just make you smile? I’d love to know what his perspective of it was! (probably just thinks I'm a prat lol)

Any advice v welcome!

I've fallen in love with many of my teachers - men and women. Ever since I was 10 years old.

It isn't a physical kind of love at all --- it is an enchantment - a delight in what they have to teach me, shared enthusiasms, thrilling to the doors they open in my mind, and in fact they are lovely, caring, people who let me see what might be possible if I keep working.

On the other hand, this shouldn't be (as it seems it is for you at the moment) a distraction from your lesson - it should enhance your lesson.

As a teacher I can say that I do not really like my students to flirt with me. Flirting implies sexual inuendo and in my books no matter how playful or "only verbal" that's just not a comfortable path to start on.

Thanks, thats quite insightful, and a really good way of putting it!

I will make sure I kerb my comments!

Thanks for taking the time to reply

Crushes happen.

Every person and relationship dynamic is different, but, IMO, if you abide, your infatuation will sublimate into friendship and respect.

As to whether he minds, I think you'll have to read his demeanor and body language. I think anyone would feel flattered to be flirted with, but there are other factors in play: both of your existing relationships as well as teacher/student dynamic. So I 'spect that he's flattered but the other factors are likely to add some discomfort to that and who knows where the balance lies?

On the other hand, if he doesn't mind the flirtation and if you've no intention on actually acting on the flirtation (the wise thing to do IMO), you're running the risk that he's going to take your signals seriously.

You're an adult. He's an adult. I doubt that he "just thinks you're a prat". I think every adult realizes that crushes aren't something that just stops happening after you turn 18. It's just that we're just better able to balance the social benefits and costs of following through with those feelings.

My advice: just channel that infatuation into a desire to really excel in your studies week over week.

Why do you say "its not real"?

Whizbang, thanks for your reply, its good to know it will pass, and your right I will try and channel it into working hard for him, rather than anything else! I appreciate your time to respond, thanks again

Hey Wouter... well, it cant be, (I dont think) we dont know each other well enough (outside the classroom) for it to be proper love, I mean looking back on crushes I had when I was 15/16 it was all about fancying people becuase of what they were, as apposed to who they were (Celebs, the Hot PT teacher etc) I have so much respect and admiration for my tutor, I think my heart has just muddled it with the reality of it all!

Be careful. Men -- especially older men -- can easily misread a situation like this and respond in ways that would cause problems for both parties.

Eeek.. ClsscLib - In what way? (Naively have no experience with the older gentlemen) I'd rather he came on to me, than said he couldnt be my tutor anymore! I think I could handle the first, but def not the second!

I think most of these crushes are one example of a thing psychologists call "transference". You are not really having a crush in your teacher as a real person, but finding yourself in a position where you create feelings towards him because it's an emotional ride to learn to play and you arew sharing it with him. It's also about the authority factor.

These things should pass when time goes by, it's best to keep yourself in control if you want to continue the healthy teaching relationship. It's best to leave the fantazising outside the lessons and just concentrate on the playing. May be hard, I know, when there's some chemistry there, whether one sided or not

I've had students have crushes on me, and I don't think of them as prats. But as a teacher I knew early on that I was in a professional role and I preemptively kept it that way. I think you're smart and mature to realize that the crush is just that - an infatuation that's mixed up with the expertise of the teacher and your high from the music and your own growing expertise.

Maybe you should be in love with yourself and your own possibility of expertise! Because for me, that's really where the excitement is - with the music itself, and with the amazement of my own abilities - it's magic, for me.

As for the flirting, well, it depends on whether you really can keep it within bounds. In my younger days it was a thrill, and I couldn't. Oh well. I don't regret it, but I wouldn't do it again .

Cathy

This is an interesting thread and I think a really natural situation. Just to add to the discussion, I married one of my students and we've been together for 25 years..

Dave Frank

Thanks everyone, really useful to see it from the other side!

DaveFrank - How lovely! Tell me more (indulge me, as my fantasy isnt going anywhere lol) how long was she your student!??

the lessons lasted a couple of months at most) We were both living on a little island north of Boston called Nahant..how much do you want to know haha? Shall I say that we started off playing the piano and ending up playing each other?

DF

Isn't the world beatiful? Sure, it is!

This threads a little frisky. I like it. hehe.

Awww 25years later! I love it!!

Do you think male teachers find flirting as uncomfortable as female teachers? Or a universal no-no with your tutor?

I've only had the male experience on that one, can't say)....anyway if the underlying boundaries are solidly clear to both parties, then..there will be no party, so it's all good in that situation.

DF

Flirting isn't really flirting if the boundaries are all THAT clear. Therein lies the problem.

It's funny that no one has mentioned this point yet. If you're in a relationship, then what you do is no longer just about yourself. You say you can be a bit of a flirt. Well, would you flirt with your teacher if your significant other was there? Would you like your teacher to flirt with you when your significant other was there? If the answer to either of those would be 'No', then it would be a show of respect for your partner and for yourself if you refrained from possibly creating an uncomfortable situation. This doesn't even take into consideration about how your teacher feels about all that. Would you flirt with him if HIS significant other was there? How would you feel if he flirted with you while his significant other was there? There are two sides to everything.

I've been in similar situations. The best advice I was given was to be professional. Don't act on it, don't mention it. It will pass over time and you may just save yourself a LOT of embarrassment. It would show a lot of respect for both your ‘other’ and your teacher’s ‘other’ to let the boundaries stay firmly in place and not do anything that could cause misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It will stop driving you nuts if you accept it as it is and not indulge in fantasies. Those just prolong the agony and lead to hurt feelings. Not that I’m talking from experience or anything on that last point… nope… not at all! Swallow the reality pill and move along. Nothing to see here!

This is, of course, all just my own personal opinion, based on experience and observation of how things worked out for myself and other people who did and didn’t follow this kind of advice.