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#2000603 - 12/17/12 08:01 AM Aspirational Crush
ChordPicker Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/17/12
Posts: 10
Ok, so I have signed up with another name, to spare any embarrassment, I’m not a well known member, so don’t be trying to guess!

I am a female adult who has a total teenage “crush” on my tutor.

Firstly, I’m not here to ask “what to do about it” because I intend to do nothing at all psysically! We’re both in relationships, and I know it’s a totally aspirational emotion, its not real, basically I’m crushing on his ability, autority and experience, rather than him, and I am fully aware of this.

Someone once said “Its difficult to not fall for someone who believes in you more than you do” and I think that’s the issue. Hes considerably older than me, is just a lovely bloke, supports me in every way, including some out of lesson issues and ofc motivates and encourages me in lesson as every teacher should. I’ve got totally swept up in the love of playing the piano, and the person whos tutoring me.

I’m pretty sure this must happens a lot (knowingly or unknowingly to the tutor!) and need to know how long will it last, its difficult to concentrate being around him, and its frankly driving me nuts!!

So what I do want to know is:- Will my emotions just fade off after a while? Or is it always going to be like this?

Do you think he minds? I’m a bit of a natural flirt, always have been, with anyone, cant help myself (Verbally!!) if you were a teacher, would it just make you uncomfortable, or would it just make you smile? I’d love to know what his perspective of it was! (probably just thinks I'm a prat lol)

Any advice v welcome!

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#2000612 - 12/17/12 08:29 AM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
casinitaly Offline


Gold Supporter until March 1 2014


Registered: 03/01/10
Posts: 5034
Loc: Italy
I've fallen in love with many of my teachers - men and women. Ever since I was 10 years old.

It isn't a physical kind of love at all --- it is an enchantment - a delight in what they have to teach me, shared enthusiasms, thrilling to the doors they open in my mind, and in fact they are lovely, caring, people who let me see what might be possible if I keep working.

On the other hand, this shouldn't be (as it seems it is for you at the moment) a distraction from your lesson - it should enhance your lesson.

As a teacher I can say that I do not really like my students to flirt with me. Flirting implies sexual inuendo and in my books no matter how playful or "only verbal" that's just not a comfortable path to start on.
_________________________
XVIII-XXXIV
Everything's too hard until you make it easy. Follow your teacher's instructions and practice wisely/much, and you'll soon wonder how you ever found it hard ;)-BobPickle
Performance anxiety: make it part of your daily routine and deal with it...Cope! zrtf90

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#2000619 - 12/17/12 08:44 AM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
ChordPicker Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/17/12
Posts: 10
Thanks, thats quite insightful, and a really good way of putting it!

I will make sure I kerb my comments!

Thanks for taking the time to reply smile

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#2000662 - 12/17/12 11:29 AM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
Whizbang Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 10/27/12
Posts: 764
Originally Posted By: ChordPicker
So what I do want to know is:- Will my emotions just fade off after a while? Or is it always going to be like this?

Do you think he minds? I’m a bit of a natural flirt, always have been, with anyone, cant help myself (Verbally!!) if you were a teacher, would it just make you uncomfortable, or would it just make you smile? I’d love to know what his perspective of it was! (probably just thinks I'm a prat lol)


Crushes happen.

Every person and relationship dynamic is different, but, IMO, if you abide, your infatuation will sublimate into friendship and respect.

As to whether he minds, I think you'll have to read his demeanor and body language. I think anyone would feel flattered to be flirted with, but there are other factors in play: both of your existing relationships as well as teacher/student dynamic. So I 'spect that he's flattered but the other factors are likely to add some discomfort to that and who knows where the balance lies?

On the other hand, if he doesn't mind the flirtation and if you've no intention on actually acting on the flirtation (the wise thing to do IMO), you're running the risk that he's going to take your signals seriously.

You're an adult. He's an adult. I doubt that he "just thinks you're a prat". I think every adult realizes that crushes aren't something that just stops happening after you turn 18. It's just that we're just better able to balance the social benefits and costs of following through with those feelings.

My advice: just channel that infatuation into a desire to really excel in your studies week over week.
_________________________
Whizbang
amateur ragtime pianist

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#2001042 - 12/18/12 07:54 AM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
wouter79 Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 02/14/10
Posts: 3538
Why do you say "its not real"?
_________________________

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#2001044 - 12/18/12 08:05 AM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
ChordPicker Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/17/12
Posts: 10
Whizbang, thanks for your reply, its good to know it will pass, and your right I will try and channel it into working hard for him, rather than anything else! I appreciate your time to respond, thanks again smile

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#2001046 - 12/18/12 08:11 AM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: wouter79]
ChordPicker Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/17/12
Posts: 10
Originally Posted By: wouter79
Why do you say "its not real"?


Hey Wouter... well, it cant be, (I dont think) we dont know each other well enough (outside the classroom) for it to be proper love, I mean looking back on crushes I had when I was 15/16 it was all about fancying people becuase of what they were, as apposed to who they were (Celebs, the Hot PT teacher etc) I have so much respect and admiration for my tutor, I think my heart has just muddled it with the reality of it all!

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#2001049 - 12/18/12 08:18 AM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
ClsscLib Online   content

Platinum Supporter until Jan 02 2013


Registered: 03/14/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Northern VA, U.S.
Be careful. Men -- especially older men -- can easily misread a situation like this and respond in ways that would cause problems for both parties.
_________________________


"People may say I can't sing, but no one can ever say I didn't sing."

-- Florence Foster Jenkins

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#2001055 - 12/18/12 08:31 AM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
ChordPicker Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/17/12
Posts: 10
Eeek.. ClsscLib - In what way? (Naively have no experience with the older gentlemen) I'd rather he came on to me, than said he couldnt be my tutor anymore! I think I could handle the first, but def not the second!


Edited by ChordPicker (12/18/12 08:32 AM)

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#2001112 - 12/18/12 11:04 AM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
outo Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 08/02/12
Posts: 678
Loc: Finland
I think most of these crushes are one example of a thing psychologists call "transference". You are not really having a crush in your teacher as a real person, but finding yourself in a position where you create feelings towards him because it's an emotional ride to learn to play and you arew sharing it with him. It's also about the authority factor.

These things should pass when time goes by, it's best to keep yourself in control if you want to continue the healthy teaching relationship. It's best to leave the fantazising outside the lessons and just concentrate on the playing. May be hard, I know, when there's some chemistry there, whether one sided or not smile

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#2001151 - 12/18/12 12:37 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
jotur Offline
5000 Post Club Member

Registered: 09/16/06
Posts: 5532
Loc: Santa Fe, NM
I've had students have crushes on me, and I don't think of them as prats. But as a teacher I knew early on that I was in a professional role and I preemptively kept it that way. I think you're smart and mature to realize that the crush is just that - an infatuation that's mixed up with the expertise of the teacher and your high from the music and your own growing expertise.

Maybe you should be in love with yourself and your own possibility of expertise! Because for me, that's really where the excitement is - with the music itself, and with the amazement of my own abilities - it's magic, for me.

As for the flirting, well, it depends on whether you really can keep it within bounds. In my younger days it was a thrill, and I couldn't. Oh well. I don't regret it, but I wouldn't do it again laugh .

Cathy
_________________________

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#2001186 - 12/18/12 01:50 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: jotur]
davefrank Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 06/26/09
Posts: 672
This is an interesting thread and I think a really natural situation. Just to add to the discussion, I married one of my students and we've been together for 25 years..

Dave Frank

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#2001203 - 12/18/12 02:29 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: davefrank]
ChordPicker Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/17/12
Posts: 10
Thanks everyone, really useful to see it from the other side!

DaveFrank - How lovely! Tell me more (indulge me, as my fantasy isnt going anywhere lol) how long was she your student!??

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#2001255 - 12/18/12 04:02 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
davefrank Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 06/26/09
Posts: 672
the lessons lasted a couple of months at most) We were both living on a little island north of Boston called Nahant..how much do you want to know haha? Shall I say that we started off playing the piano and ending up playing each other?

DF

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#2001273 - 12/18/12 04:36 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
qwert Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Switzerland
Isn't the world beatiful? Sure, it is!

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#2001289 - 12/18/12 05:20 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
Mr Super-Hunky Offline
4000 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 4237
Loc: Arizona.
This threads a little frisky. I like it. hehe.

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#2001294 - 12/18/12 05:39 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
ChordPicker Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/17/12
Posts: 10
Awww 25years later! I love it!!

Do you think male teachers find flirting as uncomfortable as female teachers? Or a universal no-no with your tutor?

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#2001319 - 12/18/12 06:10 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
davefrank Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 06/26/09
Posts: 672
I've only had the male experience on that one, can't say)....anyway if the underlying boundaries are solidly clear to both parties, then..there will be no party, so it's all good in that situation.

DF

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#2001348 - 12/18/12 07:30 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
ClsscLib Online   content

Platinum Supporter until Jan 02 2013


Registered: 03/14/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Northern VA, U.S.
Flirting isn't really flirting if the boundaries are all THAT clear. Therein lies the problem.
_________________________


"People may say I can't sing, but no one can ever say I didn't sing."

-- Florence Foster Jenkins

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#2001377 - 12/18/12 08:19 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
Stryder87 Offline
Gold Level Forums Subscriber Until Aug 29 2013

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 88
Loc: New Westminster, BC Canada
Originally Posted By: ChordPicker
We’re both in relationships...


It's funny that no one has mentioned this point yet. If you're in a relationship, then what you do is no longer just about yourself. You say you can be a bit of a flirt. Well, would you flirt with your teacher if your significant other was there? Would you like your teacher to flirt with you when your significant other was there? If the answer to either of those would be 'No', then it would be a show of respect for your partner and for yourself if you refrained from possibly creating an uncomfortable situation. This doesn't even take into consideration about how your teacher feels about all that. Would you flirt with him if HIS significant other was there? How would you feel if he flirted with you while his significant other was there? There are two sides to everything.

I've been in similar situations. The best advice I was given was to be professional. Don't act on it, don't mention it. It will pass over time and you may just save yourself a LOT of embarrassment. It would show a lot of respect for both your ‘other’ and your teacher’s ‘other’ to let the boundaries stay firmly in place and not do anything that could cause misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It will stop driving you nuts if you accept it as it is and not indulge in fantasies. Those just prolong the agony and lead to hurt feelings. Not that I’m talking from experience or anything on that last point… nope… not at all! blush Swallow the reality pill and move along. Nothing to see here!

This is, of course, all just my own personal opinion, based on experience and observation of how things worked out for myself and other people who did and didn’t follow this kind of advice. smokin



Edited by Stryder87 (12/18/12 08:28 PM)
_________________________

"Music is something so innocent and pure, it makes a person completely naked - in music you cannot lie." - Alice Sara Ott

Playing since December 6, 2011.

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#2001422 - 12/18/12 09:58 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
ChordPicker Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/17/12
Posts: 10
I think your right, and therein lies the problem. I'm not sure everyone's definition of flirting is the same, google says:- "Behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but without serious intentions" There's never any intentions with anything I say (with anyone, and I do "flirt" (for want of a better word at this moment!) with everyone, whether it be supermarket checkout operator, or salesman!

My OH just rolls his eyes at me, and I don't usually say anything I wouldn't say if he was sat next to me! Perhaps "silly banter with A double entendre at every turn " might be a better way of putting it, I think I need to assess, or take a step back, just because I'm ok with it, doesn't mean he/everyone else is. (Flirtee recpients)

Yikes. I'm just cringing at how many people I may have offended in the past!!! Thanks Stryder for your reply :):) xx

(Now should I have put a x there? Is it necessary??! Rofl!!!)


Edited by ChordPicker (12/18/12 10:01 PM)

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#2001459 - 12/18/12 11:26 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
Peter K. Mose Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/06/12
Posts: 1351
Loc: Toronto, Ontario
There are a billion and five music students who ended up marrying their teacher. It's hardly uncommon. These days plenty of alarm bells sound, of course, but sometimes you can remove the batteries.

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#2001777 - 12/19/12 03:30 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: Peter K. Mose]
Forstergirl Offline
Full Member

Registered: 05/02/09
Posts: 60
Loc: Ontario
Hmm

Is this the same as making sure fire extinguishers don't work either?

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#2001791 - 12/19/12 04:07 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
Mike A Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/08/06
Posts: 520
Loc: So.Cal.USA
Originally Posted By: ChordPicker
... Perhaps "silly banter with A double entendre at every turn " might be a better way of putting it, I think I need to assess, or take a step back, just because I'm ok with it, doesn't mean he/everyone else is. (Flirtee recpients)


Honestly, if I were the tutor/recipient, I would find this both inappropriate and also pretty creepy. Just my two cents worth.

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#2001792 - 12/19/12 04:15 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
Mr Super-Hunky Offline
4000 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 4237
Loc: Arizona.
Originally Posted By: ChordPicker
I’m a bit of a natural flirt, always have been, with anyone, cant help myself




If you'd ask a psychologist why people flirt, especially on an ongoing basis, it wouldn't surprise me if they would say 'for attention/acceptance.'

So, if this is true, the cause and remedy is completely under your control. However, that's assuming you ARE in control.

If you cannot control the need for attention, or are being overpowered by it, then it would be best to direct it in a positive way. Sports is a great way to do this for active kids who need to get their energy out. Modeling, hostess, flight attendant may be examples of jobs compatible for people who want to be noticed and so on.

You have to be honest with yourself in order to find a solution. Also, wanting attention is just part of human nature. We all love attention to different degrees. There is nothing wrong with it either as when directed correctly, it can be a huge motivator/incentive.

I know this guy who loves to shoot his mouth off but uses the motivation of attention as his driver. Lots of energy directed in positive ways as opposed to the opposite.

Also, you cannot discount the amount of emotional pain you could possibly end up causing someone else if they become attached to you as a result of your initial flirting. You may be just foolin' around for a while but you should never fool with others emotions.

Simply direct this strong need/desire in a good/positive direction and you'll be fine.

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#2001797 - 12/19/12 04:20 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
ChordPicker Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/17/12
Posts: 10

Originally Posted By: Mike A
Originally Posted By: ChordPicker
... Perhaps "silly banter with A double entendre at every turn " might be a better way of putting it, I think I need to assess, or take a step back, just because I'm ok with it, doesn't mean he/everyone else is. (Flirtee recpients)


Honestly, if I were the tutor/recipient, I would find this both inappropriate and also pretty creepy. Just my two cents worth.


Well. I suppose asking a personal question on a public forums was my own lookout. Inappropriate - possibly... But creepy?! I think members of the opposite sex flirting, in every town across the world since the dawn of time.. Hardly constitutes as creepy?!

Thanks all for your replies.


Edited by ChordPicker (12/19/12 04:40 PM)

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#2001827 - 12/19/12 05:52 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
Mike A Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/08/06
Posts: 520
Loc: So.Cal.USA
Originally Posted By: ChordPicker
Inappropriate - possibly... But creepy?! I think members of the opposite sex flirting, in every town across the world since the dawn of time.. Hardly constitutes as creepy?!


Well, of course, flirting isn't creepy in the abstract. But there's a time and place.

Consider the reverse situation: Older male married piano student flirting and making silly banter with a double entendre at every turn, directed at a younger married female tutor who did nothing to invite it. Seems pretty creepy to me, in addition to being inappropriate and disrespectful. Why any different in reverse?

But again: just my two cents worth. You asked: "would it just make you uncomfortable, or would it just make you smile?" Personally, I'd find it very awkward, and I'd be struggling to find a good way to say, "let's keep it professional, okay?"

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#2001861 - 12/19/12 06:59 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
Colorado Mac Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/17/12
Posts: 5
Chordpicker, I get the sense from your posts that you might be a little more interested in your teacher than you are admitting. If so, acting on it any further is bound to cause you both problems. Are you willing to lose him as your teacher if it goes further?

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#2001918 - 12/19/12 10:50 PM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: ChordPicker]
HalfStep Offline
Full Member

Registered: 02/25/11
Posts: 202
Loc: Boston, MA
Going back to the original question... will the feelings fade off. I think they will. The tutor has exhibited a faith in your ability and continues to drive you as a student. Keep the relationship professional for a long period of time. You will find that the feelings will fade.

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#2002032 - 12/20/12 07:32 AM Re: Aspirational Crush [Re: Colorado Mac]
TrapperJohn Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 02/11/08
Posts: 3575
Loc: Chocolatetown, USA
Originally Posted By: Colorado Mac
Chordpicker, I get the sense from your posts that you might be a little more interested in your teacher than you are admitting. If so, acting on it any further is bound to cause you both problems. Are you willing to lose him as your teacher if it goes further?


Chordpicker's willing, even if it doesn't - assuming we don't have a troll here (which could be a distinct possibility) Chordpicker's not really that interested in this particular teacher - just in the immature emotional charge derived from the juvenile flirting relationship - but just about any teacher will do for this, and the loss of one will be replaced by any number of others in a continuing series - too bad the interest in learning to play the piano here isn't even one tenth as strong as the desire for the cheap thrill of playing the flirting game...

Dr. Phil
_________________________
Every difficulty slurred over will be a ghost to disturb your repose later on. Frederic Chopin

Current favorite bumper sticker: Wag more, bark less.

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