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Hi,

I recently got a student who came to me, after having studied some piano in China for about a year. Her parents have both been here for several years, though their English is not very good but we do communicate. It became apparent to me almost right away that this was a very outspoken, opinionated and very extroverted girl that has a very straightforward tone.

I would ask her things about her piano studies, simple things like had you studied this before and she would answer "In China we did this and this and we did it this way." Everything was about how she used to do things in China. Finally I told her that she is now here and this is now her piano studio. She stopped mentioning China and her studies there. However as the lessons went on, her attitude become more rude and condescending. If I made a mistake, she would correct me with an attitude, for example "No that is a D!" if I said C, etc. I apologize for my mistakes, but I usually do not have students correct me in such a haughty manner.

She also rephrases what I say with an attitude and tries to correct me. Here is a conversation from one of our lessons. I told her in a particular lesson, "Do not do this piece for homework since we did not have time to go over it thoroughly in class."
Her answer, " I do not want to do the homework since we did not have time to go over it in class."
Me "What did I just say?"
Her "That you do not want me to go over this at home."
Me "So why are you arguing with me?"
Her "I don't know." and then giggles.
That is her typical response when I address her talking back is just to giggle. She does not feel bad about what she is doing.

Her mother was there when the above conversation occured, heard everything and did not say a word. I told her right then and there that I do not appreciate her daughter's attitude and that this has been going on for a while.

She told me how, much of that is coming from the father since that is how the father's family acts and she has no real control over her daughter since the dad dominates everything at home (including the daughter and her studies) and how since the mother is studying full time to become a nurse she has no time to pay attention to her daughters development. She apologized and told me she would work on it. We also contacted some by email with the mother since we have a hard time understanding each other by phone. It was better for like two weeks.

Yesterday I had another incident when she corrected me with another haughty attitude even though there was no need for it. We were sight reading a piece through and I asked her what a specific bass clef note was. She said I don't know but do I use one of the sayings? I said yes try "All Cars Eat Gas". She says to me "All Cows Eat Grass." So I adjust my phrase, thinking this is what she knows, not the other one and I guess I mispronounced it and said "All Cars Eat Grass." Then I proceed to correct myself and say it right. She interrupts, looks at me and says "Allll CARRS EAAAT GAAAS" in this tone that is like duh you idiot.

I say to her "What did I just say? It's the same thing" and continue. Her father was there, did not say a word, and I felt that it would be a waste of time to talk to him since he probably does not see the problem and is probably the source of this.

Here are my questions:
1) Do I try to work on this with the parents? Seems like the mother and father do not really agree on the discipline of the child, fight a lot at home (mother told me this) and father dominates how the girl practices, etc. I also feel that since they are relatively new to this country they do not understand body language and tone very well and may not see things the same way as I do.

2)If so, do I simply make her apologize, quit that lesson and have her come back next week, etc?

3) Do I keep ignoring it? She seems to enjoy getting me frustrated....I feel that saying something would be to give in to her. If I simply ask her to apologize and she does it probably would not be very genuine since the message has not sunk in internally.

4) If nothing changes, should I kick her out eventually? I am not really in a position to do this financially and know that it would get a lot of parents in the community talking about my studio since I live in a community of all Chinese people, several of whom have children in my studio.

Sorry for the long post but if you have the time to read it I would love to hear a response.

After thinking about this, I think this is what I would do:

At your next lesson, give her the ground rules. Explain to her what she is doing and in no uncertain terms, tell her that it is not allowed in your studio and that if hear it one more time, she will be dismissed for that lesson. I'm worried less about her apologizing; you want to break her of doing it in the first place. It's not going to help her in life if she treats people this way.

Don't give her a warning, or another chance if she messes up. I don't think you'll have to dismiss her early more than once.

(Depending upon her age, you may want to cover this with the mother too.)

I wouldn't bother. This is an issue of how she is acting toward you in your lessons, chances are she's learning to act this way from her family. However, it is *your* studio and you are allowing her to act this way.



You need to get tougher. You have tried responding to her respectfully, but that hasn't worked at all. Time to take the kid gloves off and respond to her differently. For example, if she interrupts you to point out a mistake, I'd say something like, "Be quiet. I'm talking." and then proceed to continue my thought and *not* let her get me off balance or on a tangent.

If she persists in pointing that out once you finish your thought, do not let her statement get to you, do not correct yourself, do not try to justify yourself, NOTHING. Say something non-defensive like, "Oh." or "Interesting." or "Funny you think that." and then proceed onto the next subject.

Refusing to engage her when she does this behavior is key. And if it happens more than say 3 times in a lesson (or less, whatever your level of tolerance is), then you do not respond at all, but simply say "Our lesson is done for today. Goodbye" and explain to her mother or father if they are there, that she was disrespectful to you and you are sending her home early because of that. If she continues to be disrespectful to you in the future you will no longer teach her.



Understand that her tactics are the same thing that bullies use. It's manipulation. She is testing the boundaries and she's found them a bit squishy in you, so she will continue to trample on you. Yes, getting a reaction out of you is part of what it's about, but to not address it won't help you either.



I don't see how this has to do with being Chinese, and I certainly hope that the students who love you and respect you would be able to see that there is something wrong with this girl.

You are obviously upset by her actions, and that's why you're asking. But money isn't everything. This is *your* business, and you get to choose who you teach and who you don't. Whenever I have compromised my personal integrity for the sake of making money or not losing a student, no one wins. This girl isn't learning from you, so why would you want to continue taking their money? No one else needs to know the reasons or what went on.

I had very similar problems with a Chinese student. They left me after not too long, and I can't blame them as she learned very little with me. They got someone else to teach 'Hong Kong style'. I got the feeling that she had no respect for me as a westerner, or maybe I didn't do the right things to gain her respect. Certainly the normal things I know didn't work well.

Similar situation in my studio as well. FWIW my student is not of foreign ethnicity.
13 years old at the time, this student was very rude to me and I told her this was not acceptable behavior. I also told her parents the same thing. Parents apologized for her behavior and sat in on 2 lessons to observe. Student was not rude to me then, instead, she sat there and cried. To me this implied some sort of deeper issue than being rude. Parents and I agreed to stop the lessons.

In this case you have to choices:

1) Continue with the student and put up with things you do not like.

2) Stop the lessons.

I don't understand what the big deal is...

Isn't there a 3) continue with lessons and counter the rudeness in a way that may extinguish the student's undesired behavior? For example Morodiene's suggestions?

I seriously think that she thinks you are idiot from your descriptions. You have three options as stated above. I would choose option two.

Agree.


When this happens next time, pause the lesson, and discuss the instance on the spot. Tell her, this behavior is considered rude in this country in a serious tone, and make her repeat "this behavior is not acceptable"

While this is not how a normal Chinese child behaves, the one child policy in China does created a lot of unprecedented social issue, spoiled child is one of them.

You can warn the parents if her behavior does not improve, you will have to drop her. You don't need to worry about other families in the circle. If you do drop her, this family, not you, will look really bad. I don't think this family will broadcast it, and if they do, it would be actually good for you.

I think that you need to be firmer... That's all! If it doesn't work, kick her out of your studio and problem solved! (like EZPiano says)

In both instances cited, a parent was present during the lesson. So you've got a threesome situation going on, and that's always tougher than genuine one-on-one teaching. Dump the parents from your lessons, and see if she's a more decent kid on her own.

If she has some redeeming qualities, hang in there with her, and help her acclimate to a new culture. But if you genuinely don't like her, and she isn't happy with you, you must part ways with each other.

Fire the student.

Now.

For this student, she may need all the suggestions above. But I'd also attempt some humor with her.

You could turn the tables on her. Instead of asking her to leave the studio, you could! Just say she's stressing you out with her rudeness and you need a time out for rejuvenation!

I'd definitely ask the parents to only attend occasionally. State that you need to build a rapore with all your students, and that works best when students are fully responsible for their education. (Part of that education is dealing with you.)

Or ask her if you're showing her sufficient respect. She will wonder what you mean. Point out that since you respect her and are kind to her, why doesn't she respect you and be kind to you?

I like Morodiene's suggestions.

Very direct, aren't you?

How old is “young” ... the know-it-all attitude is an affront to age-old Chinese courtesy .

My recommendation is “dump the doll” ...
the whole scenario drips of a student battling to sight-read
and wanting to move on to something less taxing.

She's eight. Too young to be that fresh with me. She's also not spoiled as her parents live in a small apartment with her, and her mother does not work. I feel there are other factors that are at play here. Thanks for all of the suggestions though!

It may be that she's very unhappy and having trouble adjusting to a new country generally, e.g. missing her friends, making new ones, etc.

I like Monkey's suggestion of pointing out the cultural differences to her. When she mouths off, say something like, "Talking to an adult that way isn't acceptable here in this country. If you say things like that, people here will think you're very rude."

That lets you keep it impersonal and constructive. It's good for the parents to hear that, too.

OK, given the age (I thought she was older) then I definitely would try the tactics I suggested with the insistence that the parents be removed from the lesson.

I'm guessing this girl has trust issues and this is how she's learned to deal with it - perhaps related to bullying at home. Be firm with her but also show you care for her. The suggestions I made will do this. She needs rules and are firm, but also not complete rejection for you. You might be able to reach her and make lessons a haven for her.

I think you have to be blunt with her. You should be the older, more mature person here... use it to your advantage!

Next time she starts being a brat, just say 'Oh... you know it all? Show me.'

If that doesn't work, or you feel uncomfortable saying that, just say 'I'm not prepared to deal with you disrespecting me so badly, and so I am done with our lesson today. Here are your books. Go explain to Mom/Dad why you're done early.' Kick her out of the lesson.

Whilst this is a tough situation to deal with, you should be stronger than an 8-year-old.

One more thing... if she corrects you, rather than act embarrassed, cover and say 'Ah! Good - you were listening! I was just testing you!'

Works like a charm...