Piano World Home Page Forums Our Most Popular Forums Piano Teachers Forum Help me decide on piano teachers - please!

I hope I am in the right forum but could use some advice whether we need to switch piano teacher or not.

Teacher #1 - is a highly knowledgeable music teacher, director of music dept. of a private school, teaches bell and church choirs, very multitasking person, impatient but not an unkind person. Price is right (actually very cheap considering her credentials) She recommended that my daughter participate in the Certificate of Merit program. Daughter (11 years old) has been her student for 3 years. However, 3 weeks ago, daughter had a crying episode during lesson; not due to lack of practice but she later told me that when her teacher was asking her about a note and she couldn't get it, teacher got impatient and raise her voice, gave a big sigh of being impatient. When dd started crying, teacher tried hard to make her happy again but she was just an emotional mess. She had a headache all day after the lesson. She said she wants me to tell her teacher to be "nice." She is not thrilled going to her lessons every week yet she doesn't want to quit. She tolerates her lesson but doesn't feel the "love" for it.

So I decided to let her take a break this month to try different teacher. There is teacher #2, who would come to my house, her fee is slightly higher than teacher #1. She is not part of the organization that does CM but she is classically trained and an experienced teacher. She seemed nice and patient. (We've tried teachers #3 & 4 but I immediately knew they were not the right fit.)

Don't know if my daughter is having a misplaced guilt or not but she wants to go back to her old teacher because she thinks teacher #1 gives her a lot of tips in piano. She is not sure I if teacher #2 can do that and of course we can't say until we try her out for more than a month.

My questions are: Should we switch teacher just because she was impatient? Teacher #1 called to apologize and also wanted to speak with my daughter to apologize. Is it normal for kids to cry during piano lessons? Do your children enjoy their lessons? My dd is not enjoying piano as much and don't know if a switch with be good yet I am not sure if it's really necessary?

Thank you.

Well... In three years it can happen I guess. And I don't think it's the end of the world. I am a piano teacher (amongst other things), but also a parent of two, and find that sometimes a teacher will not be able to be "nice" and all that on every single lesson... I don't mind it, since I understand that my kids need to learn that the world is not made of roses, and that the teacher has his/her (their? ) own problems to deal with.

Now, if your daughter is so sensitive that she's lost motivation for piano playing, because of this incident, then I guess there's time to change a teacher, but I find it a tiny bit over reacting at this point...

I'm a piano teacher. I cried with many piano teachers I've had. I've had several students cry in my studio, despite my sensitivity. Often they have family problems which they unburden. Sometimes, the very mention of a piano exam the following year frightens them.

I'm glad your teacher called to apologize. I think she'll moderate her sighing now that she knows your daughter better.

This is really a question for you and your daughter. If you sit through the lessons, then you know how she reacts to her teacher overall. If not, you have to ask for her candid opinion why she is not enjoying piano. It could be that piano is not her thing -- in which case it would better to talk to the teacher and lower her expectations of your daughter. If its the teacher that is the cause of her ambivalence, then definitely consider switching the teacher.

One crying episode in 3 years is not the concern -- its her lack of interest in the instrument that should be the issue to resolve.

Teacher #1

I think:

1) It's not a problem to sigh and be impatient when a student doesn't know something they really should know.

2) It's not a problem to cry occasionally in a lesson when upset.

3) It's not a problem to change teachers when you've been with a teacher for 3 years and you just want a change.

Just send teacher #1 a thankyou card for all their hard work, and to show there are not hard feelings.

I don't think I am in any position to help you deciding this. And I have only heard from your perspective. For a basic opinion I need to hear the teachers' perspective, too.

Taking a short break from piano may not be a mistake. But suddenly trying out 3 other teachers during the interim suggests a lack of appreciation for a long-term keyboard relationship.

I disagree! I was only asking for kind advise, not judgment. We stayed with teacher #1 for 3 years and more than likely will go back to her. But I wouldn't know for sure unless we have a comparison. Plus it really helped to know that there are many other teachers out there and we just have to find the right fit. It was also a time to re-evaluate what is it that we really want. We have a relationship with our teacher but not sure if she's a good fit for my daughter's sensitive nature. Reading the other posts helped me process these questions.

So let me get this right, I'm just trying to clarify, not judging:

Your daughter has been with this teacher and presumably making good progress. This teacher has given her good valid advice on how to be a better pianist according to your daughter. This teacher one day gets upset with her and corrects her, raising her voice and then sighing. In spite of the teacher's obvious efforts in the rest of the lesson to "make up" for what I consider a minor instance of lost patience - we all have bad days - your daughter is unable to forgive and forget and starts dreading her lessons. This all then warrants you go teacher shopping.

A couple of observations. Keep in mind this is based on the information you have provided, which is not complete as we were not there:

1) I think benefit of the doubt should have been given to the teacher. Seeing your daughter was not able to let this go, perhaps a talk including you, your daughter and the teacher should have occurred to discuss what happened. This is still something you can do, and I highly recommend that you do. It will teach your daughter how adults deal with relational difficulties by talking them out and clearing the slate.

2) I do not know your daughter, but is it possible that she over-reacted to what the teacher did? Perhaps she didn't raise her voice but spoke plainly, and your daughter was in the wrong. To break down crying because a teacher points out a mistake you made, and then be an "emotional wreck" the rest of the lesson even though the teacher made efforts to be more positive right away, followed by having a headache the rest of the day because of this - well, it sounds a bit drama queen to me. I'm not unsympathetic, and I do NOT advocate any kind of emotional abuse by teachers. However, from what you described here, I don't think the teacher was way out of line, and I do think your daughter over-reacted.

3) I think your daughter's desire to return to this teacher is all the info you need to make a decision. She knows she had a good teacher, especially now that she's had 3 others that aren't as good. However, I think a conversation as outlined in #1 above should happen to clear all this up.

Just my suggestion...No need to follow if you think it doesn't fit you:
1. Re-evaluate what you really want from piano lesson. Some parents just want test no matter what the cost is. Some want fun only, some wants in between, that means fun come first, the if kid can take test, then is bonus.

2. Since you already have long term relationship with teacher #1, I would say, go back to her and tell her exactly what you want from step 1 above.

3. Tell her also that your daughter is sensitive, give her at least five guidelines to follow such as at least (a) no sigh in lesson time, (b) prefer speaking in mezzo forte as the loudest, not even forte and fortissimo

4. Sometimes, if your daughter feel that she is not practice enough for the week (only for that week) it is better to tell your teacher first when you walk into the studio. I am sure your daughter is a good student that practice every week but some times only for THAT one week she did not get much time due to other responsibility. In this case, teacher would know and maybe adjust her expectation accordingly. If your daughter has been such a good student every single week and your teacher would have the same expectation from every week to judge this current week and disappointed with your current week's presentation. So, your up front would act like a warning to the teacher, hey, I am not practicing enough, and I know it, I ca still play but not as good as I always been. Then, teacher would have adjust her expectation and being less impatience.

Just my 2 cents!

I agree with what you said in #1 and that's the intention should we go back to her.

My daughter is able to forgive or else she would not be so conflicted about teacher #1 and #2. She just wished her teacher would be more patient and "nicer" as she puts it. So if we should go back to teacher #1, my goal is to sit down and talk to her about that. Yes, we all have bad days and because teacher #1 is overloaded with her fulltime responsibilities at her job, she might be having a bad day that day and thus caused a shorter fuse.

Thanks!

I agree that we all have bad days:
Teacher might have bad days
Student might have bad days

As a parent, this is a good opportunity to educate your daughter how to deal with bad day, instead of running away from it and change teacher, we should facing it and find a solution to prevent it happen again.

I think perhaps consider what ezpiano said: what is your goal for lessons? Usually people take lessons to learn how to play piano, but I know that teachers are much more than educators, they can be mentors and children getting that one-on-one attention from an adult can be a great influence on them. If this latter function is more important than the actual piano playing, then perhaps sticking the teacher #2 is better. However, if your primary goal is to play piano better, then it sounds like #1 is more suited.

I remember having teachers that I got along very well with, but didn't teach me anything. They would spend my lesson time talking to me about their past performances and their boyfriends. I wasn't paying them to be my friend.

If I am your daughter's teacher, I would appreciate if your daughter can give me concrete guidelines instead of these two vague description of "nicer", "more patience" (Do I spell it right now?)

As I stated before, concrete guideline would help your teacher to learn to deal with your daughter. Everyone has different standard of sensitiveness and no one should judge that your daughter is too sensitive. But in order to get along with other people such as piano teacher, or maybe siblings, your daughter should set a guideline to teach other people how to treat her.

Dr. Phil's Life Law #8: We Teach People How to Treat Us

Strategy: Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want.

It would be a perfect learning opportunity for your daughter now, using your piano teacher #1 as subject. If you choose teacher #2 or #3 or #4, you would lost this opportunity to learn the life skills. That is why I vote for teacher #1 all the time.

Of course, if your teacher #1 do not change even after you give out a concrete guidelines (make sure is not vague!!), then you should leave her and seek new teacher.

Have you thought about the fact that maybe your daughter's sensitive nature may need a bit of work to learn how to make a fit with the rest of the world?

I agree with this view. Not everyone in the world is going to be "nice" for the rest of your life. Learning to cope with impatient teachers is just one part of navigating through life.

Being impatient once in three years? I really think both the parent and the child should be able to just take it. It's not possible for a teacher to be ALWAYS patient, just as parents can't ALWAYS be patient with their kids. This might be a good teachable moment for the child.

Your daughter is 11 and this sounds like it hit you out of the blue. Have you considered she is entering puberty? It's a 2-3 year long process and emotional messes fall in it's quake. You are doing her a disservice. I think you have a couple issues - and none are the teacher! Your daughter is more sensitive, she probably feels for the first time in a long time that piano is hard. You've really done too much over this when you could have just asked, why didn't you know the note? What do you think you need to review? Then privately talk to the teacher and explain that she was upset and how can you help her before the next lesson and if she might be a little more aware of the emotional changes that are going to come up in the coming months.

As a student who regularly cried at lessons but went on to major in music and now teach piano, I can confidently state it was not my teacher's fault. I was too much of a perfectionist. For my favorite teacher, I cried because I couldn't always please her, for my least favorite, because I could never do anything right. It was my perspective on my skills and my self-worth, in concert with my sensitivity. If that is your daughter's issue, please teach her how to deal with it rather than how to run away. It's a valuable and necessary life-long lesson.

Now, as a teacher, I will occasionally lose my patience. It's usually on the 9th or 10th consecutive student that day (not fair, I know) and one who doesn't practice and makes excuses. Since I am naturally soft-spoken and care about my students, it's usually just a change of tone, or I'll stop and take a breath.

The very few times that my students have cried, one was a perfectionist like me. One, it was an unrelated issue.

My suggestion is teacher 1. You and your daughter liked her. It was a single situation in three years, and the teacher followed up with a phone apology. If I were the teacher, I would be upset that I was given no chance to make the situation right. One miss-step and you're through is a pretty harsh policy. If we teachers treated our students that way, we would have none. As teachers, we deal with disappointments and frustration with ourselves when a student "doesn't get it." And believe me, if you end up with a bad week when multiple consecutive students do not, it can be very, very tough. As long as the teacher recognizes that she created a problem with your daughter by expressing her impatience, then you should be able to expect it to not happen again. I think you are free to be specific, "Your sigh and raised voice upset my daughter and made her feel like an incapable failure." But something like "Make sure that never happens again" comes across as micromanaging. Teachers who truly guide your child to improve are very valuable. I'd be reluctant to leave that relationship too quickly.

As to enjoying lessons, that tends to go through phases. When it's easy, student and teacher enjoy it. But there are ups and downs in every pursuit of skill. Enthusiasm will wax and wane. That's natural. If her lesson becomes a weekly dread, I would definitely be concerned. You also have to ask two questions: what are your goals for her in piano, and what are her goals in piano? If it is only fun, that's a hard goal to always reach. Piano cannot be all easy. But if she's made it through three years of lessons, there's likely something that she loves that keeps her going. (teacher, music, performing, praise from people she cares about). The more you can emphasize what motivates her, the farther she will go. Emphasize the good and aid the difficult and you should find fairly smooth sailing.