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Hi all! I haven't posted here in a while (I'm busy finishing up my PhD and getting ready for a new job ) but I found this article and had to share it here!

A returning adult pianist overcomes a lifetime of stage fright

This is not exactly my experience - for one thing, I don't play the traditional classical repertoire and for another, I never took beta blockers for my stage fright. But I struggled mightily with stage fright in the first few years of my piano pursuits and had a big crash-and-burn in a recital before I finally figured out how to learn how to play in front of people without totally falling apart. So I could really relate to this article. The author has a book coming out on the subject, I'll probably read that too.

Also, this is why we need more public pianos all over the place

That article really hit home for me. I am 47. I have been taking lessons now for 5 years. I never took lessons as a child so It has not been easy but I love it. My piano teacher is moving and encouraged me to play at her final recital. I had practiced the piece for 5 months so I knew it well. I have come a long way with my anxiety and really thought I could do this. But it was awful. I was devastated. Afterward people were kind. they said you are a brave woman. Others just avoided me all together. I was so ashamed. This happened 2 days ago. I am still trying to recover. I keep asking myself if I should even continue or just give up. My heart loves playing and learning but can the anxiety ever be overcome. or am I just fooling myself and wasting my time.

Nikki_85, I'm sorry to hear you've had such a hard time! I found it took me a long time to recover from the combination of disappointment, anger at myself, frustration and embarrassment after my recital disaster. I was a depressed for weeks. One thing that really helped me was understanding that I was so upset not because of the embarrassment (tho that's not meant to downplay the embarrassment, which was horrible!) but it was because I care about music, and I wanted to share that, and I couldn't. Somehow articulating that helped me change my perspective. Then I spent a lot of time reading everything I could about performance anxiety and practice techniques, and doing and trying everything (short of beta blockers).

I still get nervous when I play for others, but it doesn't derail me and I can still enjoy playing even if I'm not able to play my absolute best. But it took a long time to get to this point, and it's still something I have to work at, just like scales. But I've found that the payoff is more than worth it!!

So Nikki don't give up!! If you haven't, I recommend reading:

1) the Inner Game of Music

2) a Soprano on Her Head

3) The Art of Practicing (by Madeline Bruser)

This only happened for you two days ago, so forgive yourself for not just "getting over" it, but believe that you can get past this.

BTW Madeline Bruser has a website which you might like to check out:

Fearless Performing

In a way, I feel sad about that article, and similarly, for you. Not because the writer used beta blockers (most of the professional musicians I know have used them, if only occasionally), but because she seemed to believe that she was a failure if she "couldn't even play for a few friends and family members" - as if that's the only good reason to keep playing the piano.

I never performed (or ever thought of performing) for others all through my student years (from age 10 - 20). In fact, I'd have given up piano if any of my four teachers ever made me do a recital, such was my stage fright. But they didn't, and I loved the piano, and classical music, and explored a huge amount of solo piano repertoire by myself, then found a violinist friend who was of similar standard, with whom I played violin sonatas and improvisations on pop tunes. The only public performance of any sort I ever did was as a member of the school choir, where I had no problems singing in the back row, mostly hidden behind the other choristers.

Much later, I did find a way of performing for others that didn't cause me severe anxiety - if my audience were non-musical, or at least, didn't know much classical music. So, from absolutely no public performance decades ago, to monthly recitals for a select audience now. I've never taken beta blockers, but would have no hesitation in using them if (for whatever reason), I had to perform for a knowledgeable audience. But as an amateur, I don't need to do that, so I don't see that situation ever arising. And yes, I've also played on public pianos in hotels, ships, train stations etc, and enjoyed doing so.

In other words, play the piano for your own pleasure, and don't feel you're a 'failure' just because you're unable to do recitals. I never felt a failure all those decades when I was playing purely for myself - the thought of performing in public never entered my head, and I played (when I got the chance - I didn't own my own piano until 2010) just for my own pleasure and satisfaction. It was only my (purely accidental) discovery about 10 years ago that I didn't suffer stage fright when playing for non-musical audiences - and my wanting to 'popularize' classical music - that I'm now playing regularly in public.

If you still really want to try again, by all means take a beta blocker if your doctor clears you to take it. It does work as a sort of adjunctive 'de-sensitization therapy'.

I totally agree with this, and certainly inability to play for others, or just disinterest, is no reason to give up music completely.

BUT - I always wanted to play for others. I love music, and I wanted to be able to share that, even if it was just a few friends or family. And I think a lot of people feel this way. It broke my heart to not be able to do that.

One way I was able to articulate my own feelings was to compare it to baking a cake for someone's birthday. You love baking, just the whole process of mixing the ingredients and everything. But you also like cake, you know you'll enjoy eating it, and the person whose birthday it is will probably be pleased to get a homemade cake, and chocolate is their favorite, and they'll enjoy having some chocolate cake. And so that's what you've baked. But just as you bring it out for everyone to sing happy birthday and have some cake, you drop the cake and it falls upside down onto the floor and splatters everywhere. You know you made a delicious cake and enjoyed baking it, and you yourself know you can bake a cake successfully, so it's not like dropping the cake negates your baking ability. But you also wanted to share that cake with everyone, eating it with friends and family, it would taste even better than if you were eating it all by yourself alone in your kitchen. That's how I felt after my recital crash-and-burn. Like I had dropped the birthday cake onto the floor right at the feet of the birthday person.

So, to get back to piano, if someone truly doesn't want to play for others, but loves to play and is happy never performing, then great, they should keep doing that and no one (teachers included) should try to force them to participate in recitals etc. And it in no way should be seen to diminish their musical ability or their love of music.

But if someone is like me, loves to play but also wants to be able to play for others and share that music with others, then they should be encouraged to learn how to get past their performance anxiety and become able to enjoy playing with an audience. When I played for others, often I find that even if technically it's not my best performance (due to nerves etc) I enjoy the music that much more for being able to share it.

I do think some people tend to assume that anyone who doesn't play for others is just afraid and needs to be encouraged or even pushed to do it. I don't agree with that at all. The person needs to decide for him/herself, and everyone else needs to respect that.

But once someone decides they want to conquer their stage fright, then there are all kinds of tools and resources to help them do that. So rather than feel sad for the articles author, to me it makes sense to say, wow, here's someone who decided not to give up and who is really succeeding at a particular skill.

These comments are so well thought out and really hit home for me.

I have never considered how well I do at public performances to be ANY reflection of how well I play, or how I feel about my piano journey. After all, 99% of the time I am playing or practicing at home with just my wife and two cats listening. Having said that, I really WANT to do well at public performances, but haven't quite done it yet.

Still, I have gotten though these, and quite frankly feel pretty proud about it. Here's the bizarre thing about my anxiety. If say I was practicing at home and a few friends came over unplanned, I would feel no anxiety if they asked to "hear a few things". But... Arrange a formal recital where these same people will be sitting in the front row, and give me a few weeks to stew about it, well, I would be very nervous.

Weird!

Yes. No.

From, the article:
"My stage fright still defined me and it seemed as unique as my fingerprints. I could speak before an assembled crowd, open up a hive of bees in my backyard and ride shotgun in a bush plane over frozen tundra. But playing the piano? That terrified me."

Johnny Carson was a natural on stage, but got anxiety one on one. I would be fine with the bees the bush plane and OK with piano, but anxiety with public speaking.

Everyone is different of course. These blockers things I hadn't heard of. Of course there is a pill for everything these days. I doubt it is the answer though.

BrianDX,

I have the same reaction as you do. After 4 years of lessons, I can play for a group of friends, people at church, in a class or in a piano store, but the formal recital setting with people all sitting in rows of chairs still makes me a nervous wreck. My teacher always tells me to practice performing by doing the above things but they still do not seem to help with the formal recital. I had one today and while the duet went fine, my solo Chopin piece had several mistakes. It is frustrating because I have worked on it so hard and when it is not that formal recital setting, I can play it just fine.

I know from another thread that you did Guild and did well. That takes a lot of courage. I am glad it was a good experience for you and your wife. For me if I had to do piano exams, I would be ready to quit. I remember from college when I had to do jury exams and I could not stop shaking. They were just as difficult for me as recitals. I was thankful that my teacher knew I had no interest in ever performing and marked me mainly on how I did in my lessons.

Judy

Hi Judy;

Here is the thing about the Guild. Because it is always my choice whether or not to do it, that takes a lot of pressure off right at the start.

I can tell you that the audition was much lower-key than any public performance I've done, and it was overall a very affirming experience. The secret in my view is the attitude of the judge; probably nothing like your college experiences.

I would gently urge you to check this out when you might feel comfortable with doing so. I think this guild experience actually might help out my future public performances. We'll see.

Brian

Weird? Not at all, sounds very logical to me... Give me a few weeks to... build op the tension?

I am not a fan of beta blockers, especially for amateurs. The Musicians Way book and blog has many suggestions that a person might try before resorting to a prescription.

These include common sense things such as packing the night before, scouting out the venue if a person has trouble finding places, diet, sleep, exercise in the days leading up to the event. For those seeking to play at a high level, practice groups are formed for practice performances, but that would be a bit much for most amateurs.

Of course know the piece very well. Knowing a piece at a surface, play for teacher level is a recipe for a trainwreck if someone gets nervous. Typically, take 2x to 3x to learn the piece backwards and forwards from various starting points. Taper practice, day of the event maybe do one play through at home, no more than that.

Pack the night before. Arrive early at the venue. If there is an opportunity, play the event piano, but just for a bit, not the entire piece. Many find a safe song or melody to hum to calm their nerves and lower their blood pressure. Others might audiate the piece in mind. When your turn comes, take your time. Adjust the seat. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Lightly touch the keys.

If I am going to perform, I like to know a piece well enough to play with eyes closed, with the sound off, and to be able to do mental practice away from the piano. Again, this may double, triple, quadruple the time for learning one piece. Complex pieces can't be done with all eyes closed, but sections can be done. If I know a piece so well that I don't need touch, don't need sound, don't need sight, it is deep in memory. Like I said, backwards and forwards.

While I may be among the least skilled pianists that participate in the recital, I probably have performed live more than most. I have also performed over 100 times on other instruments. I do experience nerves, but it is also excitement.

There is nothing like connecting with a live audience. Understand that only maybe 10% of the time do I think I am near my best, but when the magic happens it is like time stands still. Getting to the magic place is harder to do on piano than on whistle or flute, because there are so many skilled pianists that people expect a high level of play.

I pretty much agree with everything Sand Tiger just posted.

The only problem is, for me, knowing a piece 4x over backwards and forwards does not change my physical anxiety while performing.

In fact, I've had cases where after playing a section of a piece 100+ times without a mistake, during the recital I made mistakes anyway. The problem is, I can never be quite sure when or where a problem will pop up.

Of course, practice is the BEST possible way to prepare. Unfortunately, it is not a guarantee.

In my experience, the degree of preparation doesn't affect the degree of stage fright - the same way as no matter how much a novice skydiver double-checks his parachute and his harness to (& with) his instructor, he still freezes up when the time comes to jump.....

In the situations where I don't get stage fright - playing for non-classical audiences, which is what all my recitals are - I've sometimes played pieces that haven't been prepared to my complete satisfaction, yet that didn't bother me: I just shrug off wrong notes, and improvise my way around memory lapses........

I love the idea in the article of holding the piano recital practice at the airport. I wish my teachers had done that when I was taking lessons as a kid.

I like your comment about time standing still––when things go well, it can be a magical sort of altered reality. I also agree that it's harder to reach on piano than on flute, but I would attribute that to the greater complexity of the playing itself. You can't zone out the way you sometimes can when playing or singing a single line.

Thanks for the encouragement BianDX. I live in upstate NY and I have not heard of any adults who do exams. I also had not heard of Guild until on this forum. There seem to be two things that the kids do (NYSMA which is for all music and NYSMTA which is for just the piano. Their evaluations are held at a local college where you have to play 3 pieces from memory in front of 2 judges. My teacher is one of the judges for this but of course could not judge his own students. I do not know if it is limited to just kids but I have not heard of any adults who have done it.

I just had piano class this morning and I guess I am not done playing the Chopin yet as the teacher wants us to play at a local assisted living facility in 2 weeks. I don't think that will make me quite as nervous as the formal recital, at least I hope not.
Judy

That should be a great experience Judy. Best of luck!

Thank you ShiroKuro and bennevis for your encouraging words. It has been a month since my horrible recital and I think i will be ok that was the last time I saw my piano teacher since she is retiring and moving away. I didn't know if I would see her again and was a little afraid to talk to her. I really wanted to make my first and last recital with her memorable ( in a good way). I know I have been challanging to teach and I wanted her to know that her time was worth it. Well I finally got brave and saw her last week. I told her I have learned something about myself. It doesn't matter how bad I fail. When all the signs say give up, I'm just to dumb to quit. I love it too much. I won't give up. So thank you for letting me share with you all and for your encouragement. I just love it too much to give up. I just need to decided how to proceed now finding a new instructor.

I now have a sign above my piano, to remind me not to quit:
" I didn't say it would be easy. I said it would be worth it."
Keeps me going on the rough days. .. which are frequent.