Piano World Home Page Forums Our Most Popular Forums Pianist Corner There is this girl at my school...

who seems to have some issues with me.

A few years back in the 7th grade I performed a Chopoin Nocturne for the school. I recieved a standing ovation and the next day she approached me and said, "You aren't that good, I know people who are better than you." I replied saying, "Yes, I'm sure there are many who are better than me."

This girl is also a pianist and is extremely competitive in everything she does. She has 4.0 GPA and often panics if her grade drops even below a 95%

This year is my Junior year in High School and I hadn't talked to her in a long time. I was speaking to my friend who was a good violinist and she again approached me with the same attitude. I had thought that she would have grown past that stage but apparently she still felt the need to insult me.

My cousin thinks it's because it seems like I'm showing off considering that I am usually the pianist in the school orchestra when a piece with a piano part is assigned.

However, I rarely talk about piano to anybody other than my musical friends with whom we often discuss music anyway. My violinist friend thinks she is jealous of me. I am not sure why. Any ideas?

EDIT: Whoah 666 posts.. bad luck!

She may be in love with you. You never know????????

I hope not.. >.<

Not much you can do about people like that. Somebody said something like "you're not that good" to me once. I simply responded with something like "Well, by saying that you're either trying to help me or hurt me, so if it's the former, then thanks but I'm already painfully aware of my own shortcomings and don't really need them highlighted by strangers; if it's the latter, then please don't ever talk to me again."

They didn't.

If someone says that it is always because they are already on the defensive (or they think they might have something to teach you, but I have never heard of that). Clearly, even if you are not sure of it, she thinks you are a better pianist than her.

Compliment her when she plays, give her constructive and POSITIVE criticism if any (probably not at first). Maybe see if you could play some duets with her. I suggest Poulenc.

Or else just let that kind of childishness roll off your back, it's nothing to you, you know how good you are!

Jealousy.


And nothing else.

It's not jealousy, and it's not a crush. It's terrible, terrible insecurity. This disease will eat away at everything in her life unless she can overcome it.

It's unlikely, but maybe there would be an opportunity to get her on your side. She would be receptive if you could somehow make her feel good about herself. I like the duet idea. If she could participate in your success somehow, you'd have one less enemy and one more friend, and you might even help her with her problem.

Good reply.

The only way you'll feel better is to find some way to humiliate her or insult her. Trust me, don't let her get the best of you!

(I'm not kidding, but I do apologize.)

I'd try to eliminate judgmental people like her from your life, just surround yourself with positive people. I've had similiar comments given to me by so called friends, and after putting up with them for years I finally realized I don't need their friendship, in fact I'd be happier without it. I am much happier since eliminating these influences from my life.
Next time she talks to you just say you don't have time for this nor care to hear what she has to say, or say what Kreisler said (that was great).

I suppose you would also kick an animal injured by an automobile on the side of the road as you walked by?

Ha, without the smiley face your quote of me seems colder.

But seriously, I'd recommend to the poster to just avoid the girl in general. It's good to avoid negative people, don't interact with them - they only bring you down too.

Thanks for the replies guys. I have tried to be kind to her and compliment her playing. Unfortunately that did nothing as a week later she was still bitter towards me. I have decided just to avoid her as much as possible and ignore any such comments in the future.

I agree that it is probably insecurity. It seems unusual that a girl with many friends and exceptional grades would be so insecure but I suppose that there is something beneath that she feels insecure about. Perhaps that is why she feels the need to get good grades and that is probably why she is so competitive. She needs the feeling of superiority and lives off of it.

It's actually kind of... sad.

It is insecurity, and it seems to be what's driving her to get such a high GPA as well as attack you.

When I was in medical school they told us the suicide rate of docs who graduated in the top ten percent of the class was three times as high as the rest of the physician population. I think they were trying to tell us to slack off a bit, although it probably didn't have that much of an effect.

I'd take her remark as a compliment (although it wasn't intended that way), treat her politely but with reservation whenever I met her, and hope that our paths would cross only seldom in the future.

She wants you.

GET THE DIGITS. NOW.

I'll defer to Brendan's much greater experience in having women throw themselves at his feet.

She realizes that you are better than her in this one area so she's trying to shake your confidence. If she does that then in her eyes she's the best. It all comes down to an immense sense of insecurity on her part.

I would have responded," Yep, there are plenty people better than me, and just as many people better than you. There will ALWAYS be someone better - get use to it."

Or "Yes there are many people better than me... Sorry, you're not one of them !"

From Jeff's impression, it doesn't seem like she's attractive but a number is a number. i second the digits.

Oh, with the situation, don't be overly concerned about it. Once those kinds of people get into college, they will meet some of their matches.

You might point out that like most things, it is not a competition.

Look at it this way. There's probably a zillion piano players in this town who are better than me, and they are all either starving to death, pumping gas or flipping burgers. I am the one with the (well-paying) job, working for a first tier performing arts organization with the best in the business. Like the previous, poster said "you never know..." Go figure...

I don't know why but this reminds me of the Winston Churchill quote when Lady Astor (I think) once said to him in the Houses of Parliament "Sir, you are drunk". He replied "Madam, I may be drunk but I will be sober in the morning. You, however, will still be ugly".

My advice. If she is at all hot, and you have space in your social calendar, ask her out. She probably wants some attention. Maybe she will learn some better lines when she gets to know you a bit better.

And you can use it as practice for charming women. This will come in useful in later life, because believe me this is not the only time you will come across someone like this.

A

Ooooh, I like Adrian's advice.

Then, if things DON'T go well you can always resort to some variant of Kreisler's or Damz's comment as you part!

DF

My gut instinct is that she is insecure.

High school is a time of great learning but age brings perspective.

Ask her out. See what she says. She may be dissing you to your face and sitting at home doodling "Mrs. Jeff 135" in her diary.

Speaking from experience, you never know unless you ask.

HAhahahahaha...

That's just plain scary, but hey whatever boosts your self-esteem.

Haha. Well unfortunately I don't find her to be very attractive =(

...all this pseudo psychological/sociological advice and analysis when few "facts" are known! Amazing! I guess that's life on the Internet, folks. :rolleyes:

Cheers!

and your point is?

Seriously, get her number.

Yeah, i could already tell from your 2nd-3rd post of what the person may look like.

Looks aren't everything!

At least that's what girls who are not very pretty say.

A

Aren't you learning Rachmaninoff's third concerto?

No one is going to take that away from you, ever. Play that cadenza with fury and power, but most of all, with your ultimate sense of passion.

I wish I could get girls just like that.
They all claim to hate me when they see me play.


Dakota

I am learning it. And you bet I will play the cadenza with fury and power, not to mention passion =D I especially love the slow cadenza although I heard it is much more difficult. I'll give it a try though!

Well, this sure clears up why I went date-less for most of high school and college: I was NICE to the guys I liked!!! Obviously, a huge mistake in strategy.

I wouldn't ask her out. That's only reinforcing rude, obnoxious behavior. I agree with the other posters who said she was insecure. The best way to deal with it is not to let it shake your own confidence in yourself. I like Kreisler's advice the best so far.

Yeah I don't think I'll be asking her out anytime soon >.<

Ask her out, seriously. You will confuse the heck out of her.

Then you can dump her for her sister or something if she's better!

Ah you're so heartless :p

Survival of the Fittest

This girl sounds like a good match: both
good students, both fine pianists,
well-acquainted with each other, had
classes together, etc. You imply that you'd
like someone more attractive, but can
a swimsuit model play Brahms, Liszt?

The word "jealous" has been mentioned
in this thread, but in the wrong context
in my view. Jealous is what everyone
will be when you show up at the jr. prom
with her, the best matched couple there.

Sygnomei parakalo gyros but you can't make generalizations about swimsuit models and their piano playing ability.

Heck, I was once a runway model . . .

At LaGuardia.

I knew a guy in high school who dated this girl's sister just to annoy her.

Worked like a charm!

I would pull her aside the next time she comes up to me with such a comment, and say privately to her, "Is there a reason that you continually point out how there are so many people better than me every time I play? I am very well aware that there are many people better than me, and to me, piano is not a competition. I have nothing to prove, and don't feel the need to compare myself to others to make myself feel good or bad. For all the many, many people who are better than me, and there are many, I say hat's off to them. Why do you keep asking me this?"

If you say it with all sincerity, she cannot take it as sarcasm or as an attack, but secretly it will ***** her own conscience, put her on the spot to answer for her behaviour, and most likely, stop it from happening again. And in the end, since you asked an honest question, with sincerity, you don't look like a "higher than thou" type of individual.

I have learned that the best way to answer a question, or address someone like this, is with a question right back that they have to answer.

Funniest thread in the pianist corner, with the most questionable advices

From the hindsight of experience, yes. But it certainly doesn't feel that way at the time. I'm not old enough to have forgotten that, believe me.

I dont have that problem, i play, and most girls like it.

Funny thread(Adrian I had the same initial thought as you did)

You'll meet enough "hanger queens" (i.e. high maintenance airplane) in your life- just smile that you've identified one before it was too late and feel bad for any future boyfriend.

Jealousy, love, insecurity (which leads to jealousy)... sometimes they are all the same thing.

But for the sake of sanity, better to be sure which emotion is strongest first. It will better guide your ensuing conversations and actions.

But what if it leads them to answer with yet another question? It's a long continuous chain until someone backs off.

ahhh... just become better than she is. don't let it get to you. piano players are competitive sharks.

but in the mean time, mess with her mind as much as you can.

Dealing with people like this is one of lifes great lessons. You'll have to do it all of your life so you might as well get the practice now. My advice. Kill them with kindness! It always works. I'm not saying that you have to be buddy-buddy with her, but if you go out of your way to compliment her sincerely then she will; a)realize that you aren't trying to compete with her, b)realize that she has been acting...uh...not so nice, or c) she will think that you are coming onto her, in which case she will either fall for you, or completely ignore you for the rest of your high school years.

Indeed and I have on multiple occasions tried to be kind and compliment her. Unfortunately she hasn't changed one bit from then. As I stated before I have tried to avoid her at all costs. Problem is that she and I are both in the school orchestra and the orchestra teacher seems to choose me for all the pieces that require a piano part. In fact she has asked me to play the Tchaikovsky 1st concerto with the orchestra next winter which I believe will only feed her jealousy and insecurity.

It's not that I really care what she thinks, it's that she is trying to rally her friends, and she has a lot, against me.

mm.....I put something here but decided it was too inappropriate.....

mm... that might have been fun.

My perception is that she knows you are better than her and is trying to belittle you to make herself feel superior. She's trying to crush your self esteem.

Either way she is bad news. You already tried being nice to her and it didn't work so I would go another route if she approached me again.

"You obviously think I'm grand, if you didn't you wouldn't even bother taking the time to speak to me. I'm flattered but not interested"

I guarantee she will never seek you out to talk to you again.

In my opinion you have already handled this situation in a superbly mature way but your first response - there is really no reason to interact with her on any level at this point.

She sounds not only insecure but like someone with a big time personality disorder of the trauma-drama variety. Believe me - if you try and fight it with anything other than a good dose of reality you'll lose - she's miles better at manipulation people than you are.

If you try to be nicey nice she see right through it know she's gotten to you and lay it on even thicker -

If you try to reason it wont work - that's not how the game is played.
'
If you're nasty then you're only getting in deeper - hello Act Two.

Avoid talking to her an any but the most perfunctory (sp?) way and stay out of her way

By no means date her - you already know how cruel, insecure and immature she is - why would you want to date someone like that? I'm sure for every one of her there are twenty other kids in your class that like you because you are interesting, play the piano well, act mature etc etc etc. But you dont see them or meet them because you spend all you time on this Drama.

I doubt she has that many friends - what you are seeing are people she's managed to intimidate - and situations like that are inherently unstable. What are they going to do anyway? Just to be safe I would let a faculty member know what is going on. A lot of schools are much more conscious of the damaging effects of bullying and have a very low tolerance for it. That way if the Drama turns into a War Movie you'll have some backup.

Enjoy your success - you've earned it - if she's jealous because your a better pianist that's tough - she'll have to learn to deal with it with - that's not your problem. Enjoy being young and expanding you talent - meet the people you are supposed to be meeting right now - that's what life is all about.

If I were you, I'd just ignore her. She doesn't seem to be anything except a waste of space in your life.

But if it still persists, play Lizsts "La Campanella" or Beethoven's "Hammerklavier" Sonata, then drag her into the piano and dare her to play it, and say that the both of you won't leave the room until she'll be able to sight read the whole thing.

Meh...That was a joke :p but it would be funny if that happened.

Schubertian's reading of the situation and advice are very, very good.


John

Indeed I agree with this assessment quite a bit.

Hi Jeff,
I'm a mother of three boys, one of them close to your age. I also teach math to high school students.

I am wondering if this young woman has some kind of social disability. Sounds like it to me. There are some academically successful students with surprising levels of social disability. I think you mentioned she has friends, but you don't necessarily know much about the quality of those relationships.

I also feel a little sorry for her, since I think her parents should have talked to her when you were both in 7th grade. They should have realized she felt bad about another student getting to perform for the school. She really needed a parent or another adult to figure out she was upset, and help her deal with her feelings in a more constructive (and less silly or hurtful) way.

In any case, it is all her problem, and not yours. Just realize that fact, steer clear of her whenever you can, enjoy your own life and your own music.
Good luck!

When I first read your post, I only got page one, so I see you say she tries to rally her friends against you. I think you really need to mention this to an adult in the school. Is there someone you trust whom you could confide in? Another alternative would be to talk to your parents about it. Have you tried that yet? Possibly they know someone at the school who could help with this. The one who really needs the help is the girl, but you may need assistance getting her off your back.
Good luck with it.

Some advice that might help:

Just feel sorry for her. She feels the need to knock you down a knotch so she can feel better about her own playing successes. My guess is that deep inside she has a self-esteem problem.

Let her comments roll off you like water on a ducks back. You are doing well it seems, and she must envy your success. It is too bad for her that she must feel so desparate to be on top that she needs to snipe at you. Ignore her as she isn't worth your time.

I do feel sad for the girl; to be that desperate to succeed that she has to tear down others to feel on top. Sad.

I think you should consider this suggestion also... as you get more bees with honey than with vinegar.

But Wolf - he is not after bees!

Just the bees-knees.

I used to know kids like that in high school although they never associated with me much. If I had met this girl and received her comment, I would have replied calmly, "I know. I don't have technical chops like Liszt, but I sure do feel what I play. That in my opinion is more important anyway."

Do not even think about it. s It seems as though someone is trying to rain on your parade. Look at it this way. She is coming to you and not vis a versa. You probably are a better pianist.

Khadija

I was just thinking again. It would be that she is trying to say she is just as good as you are or probably better. Why not ask her if she would like to play a piano duet with you and be sincere about it. We females are very into such things. You might just win a new a faithful new friend in you corner.

Khadija

how about taking a copy of this whole transcript, fold it inside an envelope and stick it in her locker?

just kidding, i would seriously just ignore her, don't mind small-minded people, don't bring yourself down to her level, just smile and go about your business.
if her friends had any sense they would know her folly and leave you alone as well.