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Page 117 of 161 < 1 2 ... 115 116 117 118 119 ... 160 161 >
Topic Options
#1863025 - 03/16/12 10:41 AM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Mark R.]
piano joy Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 03/28/11
Posts: 807
Loc: Florida


and whoever painted that piano green should be ARRESTED! ick!
_________________________
I don't care too much for money. For money can't buy me love.
-the Beatles




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#1863095 - 03/16/12 12:45 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Mark R.]
Diane... Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 3450
Loc: Western Canada
Originally Posted By: Mark R.
BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)


hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I love this humour! Really funny Mark! grin


Edited by Diane... (03/16/12 12:45 PM)
_________________________
http://www.pianoworld.com/Uploads/files/goldsparkledress.jpg
Diane
Jazz/Blues/Rock/Boogie Piano Teacher


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#1863106 - 03/16/12 01:00 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Jerry Groot RPT Offline
6000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 6828
Loc: Grand Rapids Michigan


_________________________
Jerry Groot RPT
Piano Technicians Guild
Grand Rapids, Michigan
www.grootpiano.com

We love to play BF2.

Top
#1863537 - 03/17/12 07:43 AM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Jerry Groot RPT Offline
6000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 6828
Loc: Grand Rapids Michigan
While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too, soooo I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge didn't even blink before saying "Case Dismissed".

Don't forget to schedule your mammogram!
_________________________
Jerry Groot RPT
Piano Technicians Guild
Grand Rapids, Michigan
www.grootpiano.com

We love to play BF2.

Top
#1863663 - 03/17/12 01:07 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Daryl Durand Offline
Full Member

Registered: 10/17/09
Posts: 419
Loc: Missouri USA
Happy Saint Patrick's Day



_________________________
Daryl Durand, RPT
Durand Piano Service
http://www.durandpiano.com

Top
#1863684 - 03/17/12 01:42 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Jerry Groot RPT Offline
6000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 6828
Loc: Grand Rapids Michigan


Edited by Jerry Groot RPT (03/17/12 01:43 PM)
_________________________
Jerry Groot RPT
Piano Technicians Guild
Grand Rapids, Michigan
www.grootpiano.com

We love to play BF2.

Top
#1863705 - 03/17/12 02:18 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Diane... Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 3450
Loc: Western Canada
THAT . . . is an intelligent ZEBRA! grin



Edited by Diane... (03/17/12 02:19 PM)
_________________________
http://www.pianoworld.com/Uploads/files/goldsparkledress.jpg
Diane
Jazz/Blues/Rock/Boogie Piano Teacher


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#1863708 - 03/17/12 02:26 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Diane... Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 3450
Loc: Western Canada
Anyone . . . UP for summer?! grin . . . soon!

_________________________
http://www.pianoworld.com/Uploads/files/goldsparkledress.jpg
Diane
Jazz/Blues/Rock/Boogie Piano Teacher


Top
#1864160 - 03/18/12 01:13 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Jerry Groot RPT Offline
6000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 6828
Loc: Grand Rapids Michigan
• ATD - At the Doctor's

• BFF - Best Friends Funeral

• BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

• BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

• CBM - Covered by Medicare

• CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

• DWI - Driving While Incontinent

• FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

• FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

• FYI - Found Your Insulin

• GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

• GHA - Got Heartburn Again

• HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

• IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

• LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

• LOL - Living on Lipitor

• LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

• OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

• OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

• ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

• TOT - Texting on Toilet

• TTYL - Talk to You Louder

• WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

• WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

• WTP - Where're the Prunes

• WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help… GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In!)
=
_________________________
Jerry Groot RPT
Piano Technicians Guild
Grand Rapids, Michigan
www.grootpiano.com

We love to play BF2.

Top
#1864276 - 03/18/12 05:23 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Diane... Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 3450
Loc: Western Canada
I was going to say "hats OFF to Winter", but I'm not sure WHAT to say???? grin

_________________________
http://www.pianoworld.com/Uploads/files/goldsparkledress.jpg
Diane
Jazz/Blues/Rock/Boogie Piano Teacher


Top
#1864320 - 03/18/12 06:58 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Jerry Groot RPT Offline
6000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 6828
Loc: Grand Rapids Michigan
_________________________
Jerry Groot RPT
Piano Technicians Guild
Grand Rapids, Michigan
www.grootpiano.com

We love to play BF2.

Top
#1864579 - 03/19/12 08:23 AM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Daryl Durand Offline
Full Member

Registered: 10/17/09
Posts: 419
Loc: Missouri USA
I'm feeling old today

_________________________
Daryl Durand, RPT
Durand Piano Service
http://www.durandpiano.com

Top
#1864751 - 03/19/12 02:14 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Jerry Groot RPT Offline
6000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 6828
Loc: Grand Rapids Michigan




_________________________
Jerry Groot RPT
Piano Technicians Guild
Grand Rapids, Michigan
www.grootpiano.com

We love to play BF2.

Top
#1864766 - 03/19/12 02:47 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
BDB Online   content
Yikes! 10000 Post Club Member

Registered: 06/07/03
Posts: 21928
Loc: Oakland
People who hear what other people are thinking are in mental hospitals!
_________________________
Semipro Tech

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#1864838 - 03/19/12 04:43 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Jerry Groot RPT Offline
6000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 6828
Loc: Grand Rapids Michigan
Are you reading my mind again, BDB? grin
_________________________
Jerry Groot RPT
Piano Technicians Guild
Grand Rapids, Michigan
www.grootpiano.com

We love to play BF2.

Top
#1864842 - 03/19/12 04:48 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
BDB Online   content
Yikes! 10000 Post Club Member

Registered: 06/07/03
Posts: 21928
Loc: Oakland
I cannot do it when I have my aluminum foil deflector beanie on!
_________________________
Semipro Tech

Top
#1865197 - 03/20/12 06:50 AM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Daryl Durand Offline
Full Member

Registered: 10/17/09
Posts: 419
Loc: Missouri USA
Don't the girls all get prettier at closin time





_________________________
Daryl Durand, RPT
Durand Piano Service
http://www.durandpiano.com

Top
#1865258 - 03/20/12 09:42 AM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Jerry Groot RPT Offline
6000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 6828
Loc: Grand Rapids Michigan
Church Ladies With computers.
They're Back!
Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with computers. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'heck' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is heck?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

_________________________
Jerry Groot RPT
Piano Technicians Guild
Grand Rapids, Michigan
www.grootpiano.com

We love to play BF2.

Top
#1865435 - 03/20/12 04:30 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Jerry Groot RPT Offline
6000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 6828
Loc: Grand Rapids Michigan
You might a redneck if......

You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

~ You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

~ Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

~ You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

~ You refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year".

~ Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

~ You ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

~ Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.

~ Your parents met at a family reunion.

~ You have the taxidermist's number on speed dial.

~ Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

~ You have more belt-buckles than pants.

~ You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

~ Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

~ The fifth grade was the best Six years of your life!
_________________________
Jerry Groot RPT
Piano Technicians Guild
Grand Rapids, Michigan
www.grootpiano.com

We love to play BF2.

Top
#1865440 - 03/20/12 04:43 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Jerry Groot RPT]
Diane... Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 3450
Loc: Western Canada

I SEE you are being funny again Jerry! grin

_________________________
http://www.pianoworld.com/Uploads/files/goldsparkledress.jpg
Diane
Jazz/Blues/Rock/Boogie Piano Teacher


Top
#1865456 - 03/20/12 05:18 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Jerry Groot RPT Offline
6000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 6828
Loc: Grand Rapids Michigan


_________________________
Jerry Groot RPT
Piano Technicians Guild
Grand Rapids, Michigan
www.grootpiano.com

We love to play BF2.

Top
#1866342 - 03/22/12 12:15 AM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Diane... Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 3450
Loc: Western Canada
Live Life on the EDGE!


Of course, the one who said that was
the CAT WITH THE NINE LIVES!







Edited by Diane... (03/22/12 12:15 AM)
_________________________
http://www.pianoworld.com/Uploads/files/goldsparkledress.jpg
Diane
Jazz/Blues/Rock/Boogie Piano Teacher


Top
#1866347 - 03/22/12 12:22 AM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Jerry Groot RPT Offline
6000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 6828
Loc: Grand Rapids Michigan
Whoa, that one gives me the willies!!!!

_________________________
Jerry Groot RPT
Piano Technicians Guild
Grand Rapids, Michigan
www.grootpiano.com

We love to play BF2.

Top
#1866596 - 03/22/12 12:57 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Diane... Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 3450
Loc: Western Canada
_________________________
http://www.pianoworld.com/Uploads/files/goldsparkledress.jpg
Diane
Jazz/Blues/Rock/Boogie Piano Teacher


Top
#1866601 - 03/22/12 01:05 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Diane... Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 3450
Loc: Western Canada
When will this THREAD . . . run out! grin

[/quote]


Edited by Diane... (03/22/12 06:40 PM)
_________________________
http://www.pianoworld.com/Uploads/files/goldsparkledress.jpg
Diane
Jazz/Blues/Rock/Boogie Piano Teacher


Top
#1866603 - 03/22/12 01:07 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Diane... Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 3450
Loc: Western Canada
Looking forward to those "Dog Days of Summer" because
I'm tired of freezing my "You Know What" off! grin

[/quote]


Edited by Diane... (03/22/12 09:05 PM)
_________________________
http://www.pianoworld.com/Uploads/files/goldsparkledress.jpg
Diane
Jazz/Blues/Rock/Boogie Piano Teacher


Top
#1866909 - 03/22/12 10:41 PM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Jerry Groot RPT Offline
6000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 6828
Loc: Grand Rapids Michigan
_________________________
Jerry Groot RPT
Piano Technicians Guild
Grand Rapids, Michigan
www.grootpiano.com

We love to play BF2.

Top
#1866942 - 03/23/12 12:11 AM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Diane...]
Horowitzian Offline
8000 Post Club Member

Registered: 09/18/08
Posts: 8453
Originally Posted By: Diane...
Live Life on the EDGE!


Of course, the one who said that was
the CAT WITH THE NINE LIVES!







Now that is an awesome gravestone! grin
_________________________
Close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and nuclear weapons.

Top
#1867073 - 03/23/12 08:54 AM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Horowitzian]
Jerry Groot RPT Offline
6000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 6828
Loc: Grand Rapids Michigan
_________________________
Jerry Groot RPT
Piano Technicians Guild
Grand Rapids, Michigan
www.grootpiano.com

We love to play BF2.

Top
#1867147 - 03/23/12 10:59 AM Re: OT Paging Jerry Groot (and any one else living in the Northland) [Re: Jerry Groot RPT]
ScottyBuzz Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/01/12
Posts: 16
Loc: N.E. Montana
Wow!.. what a mug!

Yup.. I just bet he loves ice cream.. and anything else you give him... smile

Scott
_________________________


***************************
smile Scotty smile
smileRSG Piano Servicesmile

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