You just might be a TOONER if ...

you think an octave stretch is something joggers do.


Anyone else have one???

You think a "G" string has something to do with "X" rated movies. (That's an old one. 'Sorry.)

Or ...

You think a sound board is something you find at a lumberyard that has no imperfections.

David

You pretend you know your client very well while talking on the phone but actually remember him/her only when you see his/her piano already.

JUNMER

... jack letoff is what you do after fixing a flat tire.

If you think CA is the duct tape of pianos...

....if you instinctively look at all porches and yards to try to assess the size of the dog dishes and hence, the dog.

... if you don't need a tuning fork because your dog howls at A-440!

You can't enjoy a piano concert without noticing slipped unisons, strange temperment, stretched treble, tempered bass...

if a neglected piano (that you do not own) delays you on your quest to get to the rest of the days appointments and you blame (Choose your own noun) for being late....

If, you want to "accidentally" close the key cover on some little monster's finners...

... if your business card also includes lawn mower repair.

... if your pickup truck is older than the clients college age kids.

1980 Chevy C-10, 250 inline 6, 3 on the tree with Tommygate. Got two sets of groves from piano casters. Bought it brand new, washed maybe 3 times.

...you're still not sure if that butt boring jig is for pianos or not.

... if you hate it that Sam Casey's truck is older than your Toyota Longbed, which has no caster marks, and has been washed at least 4 times!

IF you think a brass rail is a house decoration...

... if you think a balance rail is for gymnastics.

If you get your butt felt at a piano supply house.

Delete at will...

if upweight is what it takes to get out of the recliner.

if blow distince is... ah, hmmm, never mind...

...it seems you never remember to bring your 50% alcohol solution when you really[/b] need it.

If you think you're a "Tooner." hehe. Get it? UprightTooner? yaaaaaaaaa, I knoww....

tooner tooning tooned

http://youtube.com/watch?v=8xK9Y1GrfF4

This reminds me.....
Last week I did a tuning on a Pearl River grand, which had deep scratch marks on the front. It seems that a cat had gotten it's foot caught between the fallboard and the stretcher, and it couldn't escape. The owner said that he found the poor animal after he woke up at around 9am. He doesn't know how long it was trapped there. He said that normally the cat liked stepping on the fallboard, and riding it down as the slow close mechanism did it's thing. It probably won't do that any more!

if you think an ETD is why you had to see the Doctor after your ex-wife was abducted by aliens... again...

...if you smile to yourself every time somebody calls and tells you "it just needs tuned"

... if you go to an appointment wearing a shirt with your name sewn above the pocket because that is what you wear at your real job.

... if you refered a customer to Dr. Phil when he said his Grand Lyre was loose because you thought he was talking about his wife!

Upright Tuner,
not topic , but related…. ok you will hate me for this one.
There was once a piano tuner that lived in Germany and his name was Mr Opperknockitty. He tuned a lot of pianos and was thought of very highly.
One day he went to tune a piano for a lady in Stuggart. He was there for quite some time, because the instrument was badly cared for, and needed much repair.
Several weeks later, after he had left, this women called him back and said “Oh Mr. Opperknockitty my piano just does not sound right to me, could you attend my home and do further tuning?”
“I would be un-able to return to do what you ask” replied Mr. Opperknockitty,
“Why is this so ?“ the women asked.
“Because” Mr. Opperknockitty replied, “you should have heard this about me by now, ………Opperknockitty tunes only once………………..
bye now...

that's good....lol

If you bring all of your tools to the piano and forget at least 2 things. again.. Go back for one, get side tracked, forget what it was and return with only one and have to back for the other again.

If you try to impress your client while he/she guides you to the piano by guessing the piano brand at first glance.


JUNMER

... if you think the lunch special at the Olive Garden is Fazioli.

Dan: VERY good!

Jerry: If that actually happened to you, then you just might be …

Might be... OLD???????? Are you trying to tell me something tooner? Spit it out! :-) Man, I forget more than I remember dude!

I did that yesterday actually. Brought my tuning tools to the piano but, forgot to grab my mutes. Went back, was thinking about how flat the piano was and how many times I thought I really needed to go over it and then forgot my screwdriver.

Memory is a bad thing. What did I just say again? What do I do for a living???? Who are you?

OK, here's an Easter "Egg" just for you, Jerry:

... if you de-string a piano bare-footed because your feet are so swollen, from stomping on bumble bees to impress your father-in-law, that you can't get your shoes on.

Happy Easter Everyone!

Thanks Monster it is the only other one that I have heard besides the tuna thing…………
Jerry, I drove to a tuning last week, took forty minutes to get there…. Brought everything but the tuning hammer……… yes we are all getting older… the trick is to do it gracefully somehow……..
Junmer, I do this still, but not aloud anymore…. Just in my mind……
Upright Tooner have a Happy Easter yourself, and to all here the same wishes……..

Annnnddddd, have you ever forgotten your tool box too??? I'm not saying anything on this one!!!!!

Jerry yes I have forgotten the whole box... my favorite one to do is this... lock the shop... get in the van.... start up.... then remember something I needed...... jump out.... unlock the shop..... find the tool, and then spend twenty minutes looking for the keys I just unlocked the door with..... at least once a week.......

...if you wish the piano you are told to work on is not an antique but a very new one.


JUNMER

Dan,

You have me really cracking up on that one! And yes, I too have left mine home, more than once unfortunately. Now, I lock it in my trunk! It can't get away that way!

Almost every other day, I get in my car and have to get back out at least once because I forget something. My paper with my names and addresses on it, my ETD, my car keys, my GPS. It just never ends!

My wife seems to think it's funny for some reason. "Back again??" She says and giggles... Ahhh shutup... I say, as I leave to more of her giggles.

That's not so bad!! I hung around the shop all day once, waiting for a shipping company to deliver me a client's piano from across the country...The movers showed up, and turns out they FORGOT THE WHOLE PIANO!!!

After a bit of nervous conversation between me and my client, the movers "found" the instrument in their warehouse in another city...and it arrived safely a few days later.

...but, forgetting a whole piano...that's one I've never pulled...

...so far...

RPD

If the customer says "I've never had to have it tuned." and the piano is 20 years old.........or more

After forgeting my tool kit a few times, I just a spare one in the car. It is a bare bones kit....a hammer, a fork, and a couple of mutes, but it's enough to get me through in a pinch. It never leaves the car.

... if you have ever adjusted the braces on your kid's teeth with a regulating tool.

Hey Roy!

After my top quality cherrywood handle tuning wrench from schaff broke off at the top of the thread (I was only "touching" the durned thing) while tuning a piano and I had to buy an old hammer from a fellow tuner to finish the job. . .I have become a tool fanatic. I was one before, but now I have 3 complete kits in my car, the abbreviated one I carry into the house for most tunings in a pistol case, a mid-sized bag with one pallet, two hammers, and three parts boxes, and the big guy with 4 pallets and the tools to do most of the heavier things I might actually do in the home. The third kit has never left the car. I have two tuning hammers from Joe Goss and of course my Fujan with me at all times. A couple of dozen mutes, two pocket pc's (one for backup if the other one runs out of battery), and other stuff.

NEVER again will I have to leave a customer's house saying "Oh, I'll be right back. Gotta get another tool for the one that broke!"

Is that overkill?

Hey Roy!

After my top quality cherrywood handle tuning wrench from schaff broke off at the top of the thread (I was only "touching" the durned thing) while tuning a piano and I had to buy an old hammer from a fellow tuner to finish the job. . .I have become a tool fanatic. I was one before, but now I have 3 complete kits in my car, the abbreviated one I carry into the house for most tunings in a pistol case, a mid-sized bag with one pallet, two hammers, and three parts boxes, and the big guy with 4 pallets and the tools to do most of the heavier things I might actually do in the home. The third kit has never left the car. I have two tuning hammers from Joe Goss and of course my Fujan with me at all times. A couple of dozen mutes, two pocket pc's (one for backup if the other one runs out of battery), and other stuff.

NEVER again will I have to leave a customer's house saying "Oh, I'll be right back. Gotta get another tool for the one that broke!"

Is that overkill?

It is when you double-post it!

... if you ever left a piano with only 87 keys because one was super-glued to your hand.

You can never have too many tools, despite what my wife may think!

If, you look at a very neglected Apollo grand with the Wutlizer name on the sounding board and go Get me outta here...

Hey, the sun is shining here today! Melting snow yippeeeeeeee!!!!!

"Hey, the sun is shining here today! Melting snow yippeeeeeeee!!!!!"

Yea, who needs Florida now huh?

(My apologies to the fine people of the great state of Florida)

Hey, I'm not tellin what the high is here in Carolina is today!!!!! You guys have temps warm enough to melt snow, so enjoy it.

I will say it's warm enough to drag out the kayak...if I didnt have work to do. Gosh been wishing all day I was on the water!!!!!!!!

may be a tooner if you think a whippen is what your kids get when they are bad.

may be a tooner if you think a whippen is what your kids get when they are bad.

Hey Dan, he stutters too!

By the way, if you didn't get it, I just meant, he double posted...

if your wife says to empty your damn pockets before laundry because she's tired of fishing front rail punchings and hammer flanges out of the washer...

....when you explain to a beginner that the middle pedal is the brakes, and the right pedal is the volume control...

... if you ever raided the refrigerator in a Church for pickle juice to clean the water sensor on a Dampp-Chaser.

You just might be a TOONER if:

you think a whippen is what you got when Ma caught you lookin at those magazines that Pa keeps on the top shelf of the tool shed……….

... if you haven't been able to tune the piano at the County Prison for years, because of that stupid rule about inmates not returning as contractors for 60 days since the last time they were released.

... if you're more interested to tune other peoples' pianos than your own.

JUNMER

... if you missed an appointment because you were watching Full-Contact Cheerleading on your new satellite TV.

... if you use old tuning pins instead of sinkers when fishing.

If, you get all "keyed up" over nothing. Naaaa, I'm not stringing you along at all...

... if you ever had to explain to a Magistrate how you caused a traffic accident with a bicycle, an ice cream truck and an ETD.

....if you spell, if...as iff. Sorry... I prolly shouldnt be posting tonight.

... if you had to make a dental appointment after your first attempt at oral tuning.

....or if you think oral tuning is just talking about it.....

... if you ever called an Emergency Meeting of the Secret Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Pianos because you needed help to change a light bulb.

when another toooner comes to visit and knows he has the right place because of the hand made upright dumper in the front yard.

If the phrase donated spinet makes you cringe

... if you think a toe block is a used in Ice Hockey.

...if you never get lonely while working, even though you, for the most part, work alone.

if you ever had to go "straight," get a normal job and join the real world you'd starve to death.

You're very right, Eric. Everybody wonders how we can stand the noise we make tuning pianos, and do the same thing day in day out. And as you lay in bed, you still analyze how to tackle pin torque and string stability.

We LOVE what we're doing, that's why.

JUNMER

… if after too much coffee you ask a customer if there is somewhere you, um, can uh, wash your hands? After being left discretely alone at the kitchen sink, you realize this must be their only facility. Rather than rudely reject their hospitality, you zzziiippp …..

if, when, you get a room full of tuners and they all disagree on tuning methods?

You know you haven't even made it to the level of Tooner when you take on a project of "restoring" a high end 19th century piano with little knowledge and no previous experience in these matters. Oh well, the Reblitz book and advice from the guy behind the counter at the hardware store will see you through...
:3hearts:

... if your Customers NEVER[/b] leave you alone in the kitchen.

...if you say "Bye" to your client at least 3 times: first, near the piano after tuning, second, while walking towards the door, and third, when you're already outside the door just before the client shuts it.


JUNMER

And a fourth time, when the customer walks you out to the car. I'm usually already late when that happens. Hee he.

And a fifth time, when you have to roll up the window and leave them talking.

Not ever really happened to me, but once I had a lady, someone who was shut in, and never got to talk to people that much. She sat beside me just about the whole time...Yap, Yap Yap. I really felt sorry for her. But I finally had to just ignore her and get on with the tuning. I thought maybe she would get the message after a while. But Noooo...Yap Yap Yap...I thought I'd never get away from that place.

I think all tuners must have proper training on how to politely tell the customer "SHUT UP! I need to work NOW."

JUNMER

i can't control my laugther .... wah hahaha...


You gotta be a tooner if

You build your own dummy tuning block with different pin torque to work-out like a gym during your off days........


wah hahaha.......

... if when asked about Voicing, you explained that all teenage boys go through it, that important thing is to not embarrass them.

... when after tuning you have already packed up your tools and the last thing left to do is to assemble the fallboard. Oops, you need the screwdriver.

JUNMER

... if you think the fourth string on a Bluthner is a spare, in case one of the others goes flat.

If you think a back check is something you are doing while skating towards your own net………..

if you think a center pin is the one right in the middle when you are bowling…………..

... if you found an agricultural use for discarded pianos.

when you apply thick automotive grease on the centre pin to make the key feels heavier

when you deliberately mis-align the hammer to get a more complex tone (steinway nausal)

... if you schedule as many tunings as possible for the last week in June to prepare for the Annual Beer and Baloney Arm Wrestling Championship on the Fourth of July.

and you specially choose those korean pianos for their championship super duper torque

.....if you think a whippen is something you used to get in school

... if you think Professional Decorum is what the Bank has your cousin do to their big pine tree for Christmas each year.

if you cross your fingers as you enter your client's house hoping you won't encounter a spinet.

JUNMER

if you adjusted all the lost motion and finds out............ the rest rail wasn't flat to begin with .... aiyaya

And a sixth time, after you realize you left without getting the check....

... if you think Belly Work is what they sell those exercise machines on TV for.

nya ha ha

… if you don’t recommend a Coleman 11 because gasoline lanterns can be dangerous.

when after a long week you take the car for an oil change and tell the attendant to level the tires and check the drop off too.

if you use a balloon to raise the hammer to chk for hammer alignment ....(those long balloon clown use to make animals sketchs)

if you keep pressing F5 key.....
a habit gain watching the yahoo finance screen, worriying about the latest Dowjones figures ...

Hint on financials... short the markets using ETF's (exchange traded funds). Monday was a good day for my meager investment because I was ultra short the S&P.

if you install solar panel on your customer C7 lid powering a electric damp chaser... with excess charges, it can power the servo motor to raise the lid n rotate to face the sun at optimun angle ... ????&*$%!% 8-(

If someone will attempt to watch you tune from beginning till end... but end up dropping on the sofa and dozing off midway.

Such a feat to stay awake!!

JUNMER

Are you meaning the tuner dozing off, or the piano owner!

Sorry, couldn't resist! :p

maybe both fell asleep?

if you purposely buy a ferrari with a V12 engine and request its idle to be tuned to 440hz, just in case u for get to bring your tuning fork, you can start your engine n listen to the exhaust as a reference....

[/qb][/QUOTE]Are you meaning the tuner dozing off, or the piano owner!

Sorry, couldn't resist! :p [/QB][/QUOTE]


I think the vibration coming from the soundboard sends a massage-like effect to the inner ear that makes it so nice a feeling to sleep. YAWWNN!!!

Everyone who listens to me tune just falls asleep. Perhaps I take too long to finish.


JUNMER

Diane,

If WE fall asleep, we might fall off the bench and accidentally scratch your piano! zzzzzzzzzzzz I feel it coming on....

Nope the owner dozing off. I've had them snoring so loud I had to wake them up.

You might be a tooner if you find a large walnut in shell, a kitchen knife, 3 pens and a dead wren in the action of a Kimball grand and your NOT surprised. (Happened today.)

I've wanted to fall asleep at the end of a long day. Never quite have, though. I usually try to reposition myself on the bench, but if all else fails, I take a break and head to the bathroom where I douse my face in cold water.

Posted but decided to delete it because I'm not a tooner! So on my way back to the Piano Teacher's Forum!

For those who saw what I posted, don't breath a word of it! Thanks!

See ya!

Your secret's safe with us. I didn't see it, but I used my super-developed tooners ESP and divined what it was!

I once had a dog watching my tuning. The dog fell asleep!

I know what it was! It was about me again!

Yes Jerry, it was about you, but it was all good!

It was about scratches but not the ones on the piano! Sorry you missed it!

Awww dang, Diane, I was so looking forward to your smart aleck reply too!

Okay Jerry, here it is! Just for you!

You get around! What I mean is that I just so happened to read about a certain piano tooner, let's say his name is,. . . Jerry Groot, who posted in the Piano Teacher's Forum in a thread . . . let's say called "certainly a most unusual request. . . " about a certain awkward situation where the tuner had to make a break for the front door because he was being pursued by a certain piano owner. And therefore that's where he received some certain "scratches" as he was making his escape! I'm impressed with you Jerry! Very impressed!

You know you're a Tooner when you can resist temptation when you find yourself in an awkward situation!

Your wife's a lucky woman!

hahahaha, that's funny Diane!! Thanks for the laugh!!! It's always enjoyable going back and forth with you!

I guess my sense of humor is over the hill on this one Diane. OLD AGE??? YIPES!

Sorry about my forgetfulness Diane and thank you for the private reminder that I told that story in the Piano Teachers Forum. I'd completely forgotten I did that. Because we so enjoy the teasing, I was reading into it differently from what you meant, scratches and piano scratches like puns into puns. Oh well, I missed your point! SORRY! But, thanks for the compliment!!! I do so appreciate it! And yeppers, I do love the old bat, er, ahhh, my dear sweet wifey poo. We'll be married for 30 years come March 10th.

Okay, I'm totally confused! Is it, "you might just be a Tooner if you "CAN'T" resist temptation when you are in an awkward situation!"

Which is it gentlemen! Maybe we won't go there!

And Jerry, I just have to ask! What the heck havbe you been drinking!?

if ... when you eat a sandwiches, you must munch it and shape is like a grandpiano imagine... with the peanut butter oozing out...

anyway jerry, whats the story about?
Is it when you once visited a client in birthday suit? and you pretend not to focus...

I donno, Diane, you're the won wiht all the missseplded werds. 'hic.' poor me anurther.

Well, basically snoopy, some woman made a big time play for me and I didn't accept it. Wanted to swap sex for a tuning. Not the first time either, I might add. Course, I was better looking back then. Hell, what am I talking about. I'm still in great shape!! Just can't bend over and tie my shoes anymore. In fact, where are my feet now anyway???

yes that's a temptation to over come, congrats you have pass the test!! Dangerous man ......
i pray for strength, Lord, be my guide, help me to shunt evil, help me to be accountable ... hehe

LOL!! At least you didn't fall into the Augustinian trap: "Lord, give me chastity...but not yet..."

Yeah, tell me about it. I had a woman, beautiful too, show me all around her house. The final room was the bedroom. She flopped on the bed spread eagled saying "and this is MY bed." staring at me with "that look." I smiled and said, "and where is your piano?" I think that rather embarrassed her but, the following year, she had become a Christian and told me that she would have you know what my brains out that day. Quote, unquote. But in the same breath added that she very much appreciated my scruples and morals for not doing so. But, also wondered how I could managed to have held back since she couldn't have?

Well, I said, it's a matter of principal. There is a line. You simply don't cross it. Once you do, it's to late but, if you never do, the line remains there.

Jerry,

Mr. Steel Will. Way to go! Some things seem appealing on the surface, but when you look a little deeper, they're a little too weird...good call.

Yep...it's like my grandmother, Nana Roseannadanna, used to say: "Life is like a fruitcake...it looks all good and luscious...but then you get up close, and there's these little green things that you don't know WHAT is..."

Very good Jerry,

It is never a good idea to fish off of the company pier.... she was a little mixed up there.

A wise decision for both of you.....

If.... you write in a piano that you just finished tuning... "just plain crap." Or, "would make a great anchor."

Anonymously of course!

if you hold just hold the hammer
and ask 4 moron to rotate the whole grand !!
hehe

OR ... the tooner might be the moron, and the piano rotators might be referred to as noble, long-suffering assistants.

you must be a tooner if ....

when you are doing your "bakery" session in the toilet, you take the toilet roll out, look at the side and notice it looks like the hammer side view.

You press the whole stack and notice the resilience just like the hammer compressing.

peeling off layer by layer imagining you are filing the top surface off exposing the lower layer.....

If...... you ruin another brand new pair of pants on the bottom of a roughed up key bed!!! ARG!!!

You just might be a tooner if…………

If you have a hearing aid and show up with your mother.

If you wear jeans so you won't ruin a pair of pants on the bottom of a roughed up keyboard.

i dont get it .... pls help

is that why sometime i see pics with tuner wearing apron?
jeans have those rivet buttons n at the coin pocket that can scratch piano when you lean on them..

so do you mean if....
you wear a jean over your pant?
Double protection?

If...you get a sliver from the bottom of the piano into your leg.

"You just might be a tooner if…………

If you have a hearing aid and show up with your mother."

Snoopycar, that's a kannuk thing. People from Canada are a little different and some of the Kannuk Tooners just might show up that way - hearing aid (can't hear very well), and Mother (hasn't really grown up yet).

Actually, come to think of it, that really sounds more like a US Tooner. Hmmm

Ha! Very good David,

Actually it is a line from a song written by an American fellow,Tom Waits.

The Piano Has Been Drinking (1973)

In the same vein, if some salesman's idea of touchup--black magic marker--decides to settle on your brand new white slacks. Arrrrrrgh!

Yeah don't you love it when they go over the old wreck with Old English dark and you slide your right thigh under the keybed and get a nice oily stripe on the pants??

Or when they lemon pledge the keys???

Another reason for blue jeans!

Or, if, when you pull out a grand action and get black "gunk" all over yourself and the white floor from someone that used black graphite.

a huh ......

just wear a mechanic jumpsuit !
with a baseball cap facing backwards
takes care of all sorts of unexpected...
(baseball cap helps to deflect unwanted reflected higher delayed (2.3nsec)harmonic noise)

Or, when you crawl on the floor under the piano and inadvertently place your hands in cat pee??? Or, maybe it was dog pee? Either way, I was lucky not to have laid down in it!!! Here, kitty, kitty, nice kitty.....

But then, how would people know that I was a "crack dealer"??? I mean, if we're gonna be constantly compared to plumbers...why not look the part!!

That "cracks" me by crackie you wisecrack you.

For some good TOONER action check out this thread:
"I\'m a musician and I tuned it myself" link

Yeah, isn't that something? Another DYI'er that thinks it sounds great! To that, I say "marvelous,just marvelous..." There's a joke in those words that I'll tell you. Perhaps you've already heard it. It goes something like this.

Mable who is a renowned liar was telling her friend about all the new stuff she bought. "I just bought me a brand new Caddy!" Well, that's marvelous, just marvelous! "And, I bought me a brand new 5 carrot diamond ring!" Well, that's just marvelous, just marvelous! "And, I went on a $15,000 luxury cruise!" Well, that's just marvelous, just marvelous!" Finally, Mable asks her friend, "how come to everything I say, you answer with marvelous, that's just marvelous?" Well, her friend responded, my new shrink was telling me that I should be more polite and say, that's just marvelous, just marvelous instead of BULLLLSHIIIIIIITTTT!

You are a tooner when...

You open up a piano and find a bag of pot behind the kick panel. You leave it there and say nothing to the customer.

When you open up the piano bench to tighten screws and find how should we say, other items instead of music.

When the customer has a big bowl of errr....other items on the table next to the piano. Safe parties are the rule there....