AL-QAEDA LIBERALS DEMAND "LIFE IN PRISON TO THE WEST"
Citing High Recidivism Rates, However, Conservatives Still Call for Death
Hindu Kush, Pakistan (SatireWire.com) — Arguing the death penalty has not proven to be an effective deterrent, the staunchly liberal faction of the Al Qaeda terrorist network today urged the group to change its official stance from "Death to the West" to "Life in prison to the West with no chance of parole."
"For years we have shouted 'Death to the West,' and yet the West continues to commit the heinous crime of being the West," said Reform Party leader Mohammed Sayed, Minister of Terrorism from Luxor-on-Nile. "It is time, therefore, to consider a life sentence, which would both safeguard society by locking the West away, and cut down on the lengthy appeals process those sentenced to death often resort to."
Ministers from Osama bin Laden's government, however, blasted the proposal as weak and counter-intuitive, although they conceded it did appeal to the Conservative Party's desire to build more prisons.
"If we allow this, then next we will be allowing parole," said Home Secretary Abdul Mushwari. "I'll tell you right now, if you let the West back out on the streets, it will only do it again."
Fayez Hanjor, Conservative MT from Mid Sahara, added that even if statistics do not support the efficacy of capital punishment, the death penalty is, pro bono publico, necessary.
"What lesson do we teach our children if we say the West is evil, and as punishment it should not be killed, but should instead be housed and fed and given the chance to earn a high school diploma or its equivalent?" he said.
In response, a minister from the single-issue Cartography Party caused an uproar by claiming the Jihad system was flagrantly zionist. "Whenever we call for death, have you noticed it is always the West we pick on?'" said Akhtar Hamza, MT for North Kufra. "Why do we never shout 'Death to the North!' or 'Death to the Southeast!'"
Hamza's comments led to near bedlam, as MTs from the ultra-liberal Leniency Party began chanting "30 days community service to the West!" while ministers from the ultra-orthodox Shakespearean party recited "Death's sting o' West doth tarry on thy brow!"
Eventually, however, Conservative Transport Minister Nadim Kalouri defeated the resolution by shooting the entire Reform Party, thereby winning the argument that death can be an effective deterrent.