Got these on e-mail this morning, and I thought you would enjoy...
1. CURL UP AND DIE:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
- Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX
2. PAD PLEASE:
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
- Kate Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC
3. HO, HO, HO:
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggested I take a closer look, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!
- Name Withheld
4. LADY GOLFER:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
- Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
5. NUTS ABOUT YOU:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
- Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
7. MOM'S ADVICE:
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school!"
"A cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing" Oscar Wilde.