Here's something to peruse and amuse over coffee on a Friday. Jodi suggested sharing these with y'all.

Regards,
Joy

----------------------------------



New Words......

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it
by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and
supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit
and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra
credit)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off
all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And, the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******

Joy, I have missed you! I was so glad to see you post. Please stay!!

Ditto, Joy - and great definitions!

Larry and Dwain,

Thanks for your friendly greetings. I miss you guys too. And so many of the good-hearted folk here as well.

A colleague sent me the following Kid Quotes. These really happened. Caution, a few of those pesky asterisks may appear.

Incidentally, I NEVER utilize asterisks in any of my own graphic design work. Why? To my eye, they look too much like a certain anatomical feature that is spelled with SEVEN asterisks at this Forum. Ironic, yes?

Cheers,
Joy



Why We Love Children...[/b]


  A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
  She asked him if it was dead or alive.
  "Dead." She was informed.
  "How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
  "Because I ****ed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
  "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
  "You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."

  --------------------

  A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....
  "Da-ad...."
  "What?"
  "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
  "No. You had your chance. Lights out."
  Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
  "WHAT?"
  "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
  "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
  Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
  "WHAT!"
  "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

  ____________________________________________________

  An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

  The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

  ___________________________

  One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
  The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
  A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

  ____________________________________________________

  When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
  I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
tummy."
  "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

_____________________________________________________

  A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
  His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
  The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom.."
  "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
  "Yes," he answered.
  Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition.."
  The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
  After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


:rolleyes:

[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: Joy ]

Joy,

Those were hilarious!

Signs
A sign over a gynecologist's office
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumbers truck
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call a plumber."

Pizza shop slogan
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a drycleaners
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store, and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company
"We don't charge an arm and aleg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office
"Time wounds all heels."

At a car dealership
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company
"We would be delighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

At a propane filling station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."

Here's one. It's a story I used to tell when I would give motivational talks. It deals with not being afraid to express your own creativity - not limiting your creative horizons by worrying if someone will laugh at your efforts.

Sunday school, a room full of preschoolers. The Sunday school teacher tells the kids to take out some paper and crayons and draw a picture that expresses what they like most about going to church.

All the kids are happily drawing, out on the tops of the tables, except little Suzie. She's got her hand wrapped over her paper so no one can see what she's drawing.

"Why are you hiding your picture, Suzie?" the teacher asked. "Can I see what you're drawing?" "Not til I finish," Suzie replied. "Well...what are you drawing, Suzie?" asked the teacher.

"God." came the reply.

The teacher laughed and said "that's going to be a little hard to do, isn't it Suzie? After all, no one has seen Him. They don't know what He looks like."

Suzie looked up with total confidence in her eyes and said,

"They will when I get done with this picture."

A radio ad I actually heard in Utica, NY:

"(fill in the name) radiator shop. A great place to take a leak."

BTW, those are some good ones, RKVS1.

These are REALLY good....

The guy who works on my car has a sign over his counter which says

"Satisfaction guaranteed. Once you've paid me, I'm satisfied."

He has a sign over a door that says

"Refund office"

When you open the door, you're standing out in the alley behind his shop. Don't let the door close though, because it doesn't have a doorknob on the outside.

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn
the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection
(lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this
will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for
one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept
onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the
"open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort
to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose
sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they
want fresh ground pepper.

8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even
when you're only six inches away.


a couple of more signs:
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Music Library: Bach in a minuet.


NEW DOG BREEDS

The following cross-breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle


Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Schitzu
(you can learn more bout this if you click Larry's link) :rolleyes:

all fur now....

[ March 21, 2002: Message edited by: RKVS1 ]