A coworker of mine, well known for wearing polyester ties, often with food stains, was complaining about the company dress code. Holding up his tie, he said he really didn't see why the company required it, and that he couldn't stand wearing it. Figuring it was finally time for some honest feedback, I told him "You know, I couldn't stand to wear one of your ties either". First came the quiet gasps, as people took in oxygen. Then the laughter. Finally, in the relative calm afterwards, he announced that his girlfriend helped him pick out all his ties.

bint, best known by its use in the following sentence:

I mean, if I went \'round sayin\' I was an Emperor, just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they\'d put me away.

Now a "moistened bint" sounds much more interesting!

In high school in the middle of the bleachers for a Friday night basketball game. Suddenly the crowd around me parted. I heard my name being called from behind. I turned around to discover someone sitting behind me had puked on my back! No way was I going to try to make my way through everyone and be a spectacle to somehow clean up. so I dropped through the bleachers and climbed down. I felt like Quasimoto! Now what? To be shirtless in public or to be disgusting with a back full of puke. Took off the shirt and stealthily made it to the locker room and put on my gym shirt. Not very stylish and a little B.O. but better that vomit! I thew the shirt away.

Embarrassing moments... These are those events that assure me that there is a God - and one who derives enjoyment from teaching me humility every day...

When this question comes up in a group of people, I find that I typically have more embarrassing moments - and higher quality embarrassment than most groups of people. We were talking about this a party one time -- it was so clear that I was far ahead of the group - listening to their shame at spilling water on their lap or tearing their pants.

Heck a day doesn't go by where I don't do something like that. I just think of them as the window dressing of my life.

I did once find a woman who claimed she had more embarrassing moments than anyone... I smiled and we then when at it -- sharing horror story after horror story...

Because I knew I was dealing with a fellow professional, I went right to my "B" grade material (saving the "A" list only if necessary.

My story began with when I worked at the ABA. I had a hernia that was bothering me at the time. The one thing I found that helped when it got inflamed was to use a vibrator to help reduce the swelling in abdomen.

Having a director level position, I had a private office so I closed the door, opened my slacks and placed the large vibrator…where the pain was. I decided to read the morning paper for the short time I would be “treating” the problem.

Imagine my surprise when the woman I reported to opened the door (without knocking) and there I am with my pants open, a vibrator humming away and a lingerie ad in front of me…

She asked me a question about some report – keeping eye contact all times. She turned around and walked out, closing the door behind her – never said a word about it.

----------
My friend actually could match the quality of my story. She worked for a large hotel chain as a group sales director. One day she was told that a client had stopped by the hotel and was wondering if she might come up and meet two of the vice presidents of the firm.

“no problem”

She picked up a folder and went started up a giant and very public staircase to the lobby level. She could see the client and the two senior VP’s waiting at the top of the stairs… As she’s running up the stairs, she feels something sliding down her thighs… just as she reaches the top of the stairs, she realizes that her skirt has fallen down to her ankles – which causes her to trip and fall flat on her face in front of the client and the two VP’s – scattering papers everywhere…
…………

It was a long battle of embarrassing moments – and while I think I had more material – I think we’ll call it draw and say that there is at least one person who has had as much embarrassment as me - but I have zillions of those stories.

Ken

Michael Palin isn't it?

i went into a bathroom one time at "mimi's cafe" in the dallas area. there was someone at the urinal (sorry, had to write that word) so i walked into the stall and closed the door behind me. the only problem is that SOMEHOW it locked from the outside!!!

so, after a couple minutes of knocking (from the inside of the stall....inside the bathroom) and in a somewhat "raised" voice calling for help, someone came to my rescue.

the worst feeling was when i saw that guy go back to his table and say something to his family.....then they all turned their heads to look at the idiot that locked himself into the bathroom!!

That's just reminded me of another posh gig, where instead of embarrassing myself, I really embarrassed my Dad!
This one was for an accountant with a huge pad up in the hills of North Dorset. There were four of us playing and we'd been asked to start up in a little gazebo next to the lake near the most ginormous marquee you've ever seen. Again, there was lots of Pimms 'n fresh mint flying around plus a mountain of tinnies we could help ourselves to. It was a l o n g night and towards the end I'd noticed there were a lot of what looked like helium balloons festooning the marquee. I took a few gulps of one and made a short thank you speech to Stuart-the main man, much to my Dads embarrassment.
It's difficult to put into words the satisfaction I got from seeing his red face after all the times he'd embarrassed me as a teenager.
What goes around comes around ..................

so i walked into the stall and closed the door behind me. the only problem is that SOMEHOW it locked from the outside!!![/b]

I take it this happened in Poland!?.......

(sorry....I'm only teasing....it was just too rich to pass up.....)

I once was playing my nightly gig at a posh hotel in Washington, D.C., back in the days when I was single and frisky. I had probably 30 people around me singing and drinking and having a good time. Suddenly one of the partiers reached beneath my piano bench and with a loud flourish lifted a condom and asked whose this was. Silence fell upon the crowd, and then a roar of laughter. My red face said it all. Alas, it had fallen out of my wallet, and yes, indeed, it was mine.

Oh, I'm sorry but I couldn't help but laugh... Oh, you poor dear! I've had similar things happen, and I'm a woman!