I think it's time for another joke-filled thread, we all really need them. So scratch those heads and be funny!

At Duke University there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.
They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs etc. that each had an "A" so far for the
semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals they decided to drive
up tothe University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. They had a great time however
after all the hardy-partying they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early
Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to
him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the >plan
to come back in time to study but unfortunately they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a
spare and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time
the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test
booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple about free radical formation.
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room "this is going to be easy".
Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?


zorro

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says, "I can pilot!" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says, "I chop wood!" "Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?" "I chop wood!" "Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!" "Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!" The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

OK, I know I'll get flamed by someone for political content, but this one's too good not to share:

Four passengers were on a plane trip...the Pope, the Dalai Lama, George W. Bush, and a hippie.

Mid-flight, the pilot burst into the passenger cabin and said, "We're having serious engine trouble. This plane is going to crash. Unfortunately, we only have 4 parachutes, and I'm wearing one of them. Sayonara!"

The Pope said, "I'm the spiritual leader of millions of Christians around the globe. They are going to need me. I'm getting out of here!" And he grabbed a chute, and out he went.

George Bush said, "I'm the leader of the free world, and the primary force for democracy around the world. I have to get down there and lead the people! So he grabbed one too, and was gone.

That left the Dalai Lama and the hippie. The Dalai Lama turned to the young man and said, "Listen, I've lived a long and fulfilling life. I do not fear death. You are young yet. Please, you take the last parachute and save yourself."

The hippie said, "Don't worry, man, we're cool. The leader of the free world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

Boss to secretary: "Madam, what do you do on Sundays?" - "I relax." - "Then allow me to inform you that today isn't Sunday."

Two clairvoyants meet on the street: "Oh, hello, you are fine, how am I?"

The priest of a small village has a cherry tree in his garden. Every summer, they get stolen. One day, the priest tacks a small sign to the tree: "God sees everything!". The next day, there are no cherries there anymore, but another sign: "But He doesn't tell anyone".

If God were a woman: "Let there be light... Oh, what a mess!"

A blind man enters a store with his seeing-eye dog. The man walks to the center of the store, picks up the dog by the tail and starts swinging him around above his head.
Shocked, a clerk comes running over. "Sir, sir, can I help you?!". "Neh", the blind man says, "I'm just looking around."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.
He watched her for a moment and then said "you must be single..."
The woman, a bit startled, but intrigued even though she knew he was drunk, looked down at her four items on the belt and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said...
"Well you know, that's right, but, how on earth did you know that?
The drunk said....."Cause you're uglier 'n sh**."

The Pope dies the same day as a lawyer. They both appear before Saint Peter.
St Peter looks at the Pope and says, "We have been expecting you, your holiness. Right over there is your grass hut, plenty of bread and water, so stroll over and enjoy your stay in heaven.
The lawyer walks up before St. Peter and seeing the way the Pope is treated nervously says "what about me?"
St peter replies " Here comes your limosine. It will take you to your mansion where you'll dine on the finest steaks and wine you have ever had."
This is too much for the Pope and the Pope asks St Peter, "what is ging on here? I was the head of the whole catholic church and I get bread and water and a grass hut? This guiy is a lawyer and gets the royal treatment.I don't understand.
St Peter replies, " well,your holiness,Popes are a dime a dozen here. He is our FIRST lawyer."

A young lawyer dies and goes before St Peter. He says he doesn't understand why he is here. St Peter tells him because he is dead. He died of old age. The lawyer objects and tells St Peter that he is in perfect health and only 28 years old. St Peter looks at his record and tells the lawyer that he died of old age. The lawyer objects again and tells St Peter he is only 28 years old. St peter replies according to our records you are 87. The lawyer objects one more time and requests St Peter check hisrecord again. St Peter looks at his book and says, Oh I see now.
We went by your billing hours.

Here's a joke from Ireland:

A carpenter is building a big fine house for a doctor.

After the framing and sheet rocking is done, the doctor strolls through and says, "Nice job, but I'll bet it takes a little plaster and mortar to covere up a few of your mistakes." To which the carpenter replies, "Yeah, I hear a pick and shovel covers up a few of yours, as well."

A fellow in Alabama decides he'll make himself a little spending money by cutting firewood and selling it. He gets himself a crosscut saw and starts cutting trees up and splitting it into firewood. No matter how hard he works, he can't seem to cut more than a pickup load a day. The next day he goes into town to the hardware store to have them sharpen his saw, figuring that will help.

The salesman says "man, it won't make any difference - with this saw you can't possibly cut more than a truckload a day. You need a chainsaw! With a chainsaw, you ought to be able to cut 4 or 5 truckloads of firewood a day!" So the guy buys a chainsaw, and goes home to cut firewood.

A few days later he goes back into town to the hardware store. "I want you to check this new chainsaw. Something's wrong with it. You told me I ought to be able to cut 4 or 5 truckloads a day, and I've worked myself to death for 3 days straight and I *still* don't have the first truckload cut."

The salesman told him he'd check it out, and took the saw. He primed the fuel line, set the choke, pulled the starter cord and the chainsaw roared into life.

The firewood cutter jumped and said......."What's that noise!?!"

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Four doctors who hadn’t seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they turned their conversation to who makes the best surgical patients:
The first said, for sure, electrical engineers. “You open ‘em up,” he contended, “and everything is color-coded.”

“Nah,” said the second. “It’s librarians. You open ‘em up and everything is alphabetized.”

The third scoffed. “Of course not,” he said. “It’s accountants. You open ‘em up and everything is numbered.”

“Lawyers,” said the fourth, with a shake of his head. “It’s lawyers, you idiots! No heart, no guts, no spine, and the ass and the brain are interchangeable.”
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Definition of a lawyer:
A mouth with a life-support system.
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How many lawyers can you place on the point of a needle?
Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.
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Q. What's wrong with lawyer jokes?

A. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
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If builders built buildings the way lawyers write laws, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
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Q:Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".
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Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
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Q: Why do drivers' education classes in Alabama schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
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Three couples - an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the priest. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either..."

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my mood swings. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frikin' red mark on his forehead. . . Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Three friends are out hunting ducks with their bird dogs one afternoon. They decided to have a contest to see who's dog's the smartest. So the first guy tells his dog to run over to the pond and come back and bark for the number of ducks in the pond. Prompty the dog runs off to the edge of the pond, takes a look, has a sniff, and runs back and eagerly barks three times to the master.

They check, and sure enough, there's three ducks swimming in the middle of the pond. "That's pretty impressive", the other two agree. They walk into the woods a bit further, and in a clearing in the trees, they see a small gully. The second guy lets his dog go, just says go boy, and the dog sneaks to the edge of the gully, has a look, sneaks back to his master, taps his left paw on the ground twice, his right paw four times, and wags his tail furiously.

The second guy proudly declares there's two wood ducks, four mallards, and a flock of geese in the gully. Sure enough, when they break thru the trees and look into the gully, four mallards and a flock of geese take off, and there's still two wood ducks in the water.

"Now that's pretty impressive" the others agree.

As the walk on a bit further, they come to a thick stand of trees, just as they were about to enter it, all three dogs stop and point. They decide to let the third dog go to see what he could do.

He heads of into the woods. He's gone for the longest time, then suddenly comes out, soaking with water and sweat, with nothing but a stick in his mouth. He shakes it furiously, and then drops it down on the ground and looks at his master.

The others all laugh and say:"I thought you told us your dog was smart."

"He is says the third owner, Come on boys, lets go hunt, there's more birds in there than you can shake a stick at!"


Jamie

From the dept. of redundency dept.
Crooked politician
Rude Frenchman
Drunken Irishman
Criminal Lawyer

I could have sworn that I first heard this joke here, so if sorry if it's a repeat.

A man and his son are at the druggist. The boy sees packages of rubber of different quantities. He points to the three-pack and asks his dad, "Who is that for?"

"That's for high school boys. One for Friday night, One for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Who's that for?" asked the son, pointing to the six-pack.

"That's for college boys. Two for Friday, Two for Sat., and two for Sun.?"

The son points to the twelve pack and asks, "Well, who is that for?"

The father says, "That's for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March....."

You know those things have serial numbers on them don't you?

Another one:

A perfect man and a perfect woman met and had a perfect relationship. They married, of course it was a perfect marriage. They lived perfectly, until one day, they decided to drive along the coast. It was a perfect drive, but then they saw a wrecked car and, since they are a perfect couple, decided to help. It was Santa Claus. Perfect as they are, they invite Santa Claus to drive with them and carry all the presents for the children in the trunk. A few minutes after that, they have an accident which only one of the three survives. Which one is it?
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Here's the answer: It's the perfect woman. Everyone knows that neither Santa Claus nor perfect men exist. Women please stop reading here. Men please read further.
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And since there's no perfect man and no Santa Clause, only the perfect woman could exist, therefore it was also her who drove. That's why there was an accident in the first place. And if you're a woman and object to this theory (and therefore haven't stopped reading), this also shows that women never do what they're told.

Four engineers are sitting around one day trying to figure out who might have designed the human body.

The first engineer says "I think it might have been a mechanical engineer, because of joints and muscle and sense of balance." The other three nod their heads and say "Yeah, could have been."

The second engineer says "I think it might have been an electrical engineer, because of the nervous system and neural network." The other three nod their heads and say "Yeah, could have been."

The third engineer says "I think it might have been a chemical engineer, because of hormonal balances and metabolism." The other three nod their heads and say "Yeah, could have been."

Suddenly the fourth engineer snaps his fingers and shouts out "I know, it HAS to have been a Civil Engineer!" The other three ask "Why?"

"Well" says the fourth engineer, "who else would put a waste water pipe right through a recreational area!"

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A group of quality assurance inspectors are asked to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the inspectors and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one inspector turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer. We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

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A shipwreck survivor drags himself onto a desert island. Startled, he notices that the beach is purple, the bushes are purple, and so are the palm trees. Even the parrots flying around are purple. "Oh no," he says to himself, "I've been marooned!"

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Two cannibals have caught a comedian and are eating him. After a while the one cannibal says to the other: "Does your food taste funny?"

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Agitated patient: "Doctor doctor, I think I'm developing a split personality. One minute I think I'm a teepee and the next I think I'm a wigwam!"

Doctor: "Calm down sir, I think you're just too tense".

This was told as a true story. A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read ... "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class: " And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly, "I think the man would have said: "Well, f*** me! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Once upon a time there were 3 little pigs. The first little pig built a house out of straw. One day a big bad wolf came to his house and said "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down." And he did!

The little pig ran away to the second little pig's house. That little pig had built his house out of wood. The big bad wolf came to the second pig's house, and said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!" And he did!

The two little pigs ran away to the 3rd little pig's house. He had built his house out of bricks. The big bad wolf came and said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!"

And while he huffed and puffed, the 3rd little pig picked up the phone and made a call. In a few minutes, a long black limousine pulled up, and 3 bigger pigs wearing dark, pin striped suits got out holding machine guns. The mowed the wolf down with the machine guns, then got back into the limousine and drove away.

The first two pigs looked at the 3rd little pig and said "who were those guys!" The 3rd little pig said "Those were the Guinea Pigs".......


(credit given to the forum member who shall remain anonymous that sent me that joke in the first place....)

plays88keys,

Both my wife and I are laughing our a**es off.

I'm sure to the little boy it would have been no different if the pig was flying.