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#891172 - 07/11/02 09:20 AM You Know You're a Redneck When...
JBryan Offline
9000 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/19/02
Posts: 9798
Loc: Oklahoma City
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "Ammo"on her Christmas list.
You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.
You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
_________________________
Better to light one small candle than to curse the %&#$@#! darkness.

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#891173 - 07/11/02 10:35 AM Re: You Know You're a Redneck When...
nancyww Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/21/02
Posts: 585
Loc: central oregon
LOL \:D \:D \:D

especially the one about the flyswatter. \:D

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#891174 - 07/11/02 12:11 PM Re: You Know You're a Redneck When...
Mr. Gould Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 12/07/01
Posts: 1111
Yes that is a big LOL

I like the matress one!

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#891175 - 07/11/02 12:42 PM Re: You Know You're a Redneck When...
jodi Offline
6000 Post Club Member

Registered: 05/26/01
Posts: 6959
Loc: The Evergreen State (WA)
Ahahahahahahaha! \:D Jodi

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#891176 - 07/12/02 02:04 AM Re: You Know You're a Redneck When...
RKVS1 Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 07/07/01
Posts: 3192
Loc: Topeka, Kansas
Ok,ok, so its NOT a redneck joke:

When God created the world, the animals came up to Him, two by two. To each pair, God said "Go forth and multiply."
Eventually a pair of snakes came up to Him. "Go forth and multiply," said God.

"We can't," the snakes replied. "We're adders."

(Ok now, if you can look back on your calculus studies without breaking into a cold sweat, or if you have ever seriously considered BUYING that sliderule at the flea market here's a little addendum):

Unperturbed, God took a large block of wood, split it in half, and put legs on it. Laying it on the ground, He placed the adders on top of it. "Go forth and multiply," He repeated.

"We told you," protested the snakes. "We're adders."

God sighed. "Didn't anyone ever tell you that adders can multiply on a log table?"

I am REALLY sorry about this.
Bob

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#891177 - 07/12/02 02:57 AM Re: You Know You're a Redneck When...
Larry Offline
9000 Post Club Member

Registered: 05/25/01
Posts: 9217
Loc: Deep in Cherokee Country
I laughed harder at your apology at the end than I did your joke, Bob. \:D

Ok, here's a joke:

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Jewish gentleman sitting beneath a tree.

The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?

"Vell," the old man said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know Jews don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages
to escape back to the old Jewish gentleman, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."

The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree.
Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone!"

The old man holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree, it vuz a ham bush!"

\:D
_________________________
Life isn't measured by the breaths you take. Life is measured by the things that left you breathless

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#891178 - 07/12/02 10:45 AM Re: You Know You're a Redneck When...
nancyww Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/21/02
Posts: 585
Loc: central oregon
 Quote:
Originally posted by RKVS1:
[QB
if you have ever seriously considered BUYING that sliderule at the flea market
Bob[/QB]
Ahem, I still HAVE my old sliderule. Liked your adder joke, Bob. \:\)

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#891179 - 07/12/02 05:52 PM Re: You Know You're a Redneck When...
Sam_dup1 Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/12/02
Posts: 239
Loc: NYC
 Quote:
Originally posted by Larry:
I laughed harder at your apology at the end than I did your joke, Bob. \:D

Ok, here's a joke:

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Jewish gentleman sitting beneath a tree.

The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?

"Vell," the old man said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know Jews don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages
to escape back to the old Jewish gentleman, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."

The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree.
Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone!"

The old man holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree, it vuz a ham bush!"

\:D [/b]
Larry,

That was GREAT, where do you get these jokes?
\:D

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#891180 - 07/12/02 06:50 PM Re: You Know You're a Redneck When...
RKVS1 Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 07/07/01
Posts: 3192
Loc: Topeka, Kansas
Nancy, I've still got TWO of mine somewhere in their old leather cases. (One of them was my father's, used in 41,42 at Univ of Kansas and 43,44 at a Navy radar school in Corpus Christi, Tex.)
I actually, swear to God, had a CHANCE to buy the big 72" long exhibition slide rule they hung from the ceiling at the front of one of the engineering classrooms at KU for like 50$ or something but somehow decided not to.
I regretted it later because I THINK I might have been able to use it for a diving board or at least a cat guillotine.
The switch from slide rules to calculators wasn't a traumatic event for me BUT when I saw the TI640 (or SOME number) a handheld calculator do symbolic integration and differentiation (as well as standard approximations, etc) I was really impressed at what had been achieved.
Bob

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