Glad I'm not the only one with an under-developed sense of humour ;-)

Thanks for the warning, I do find the centre of town a bit grim on a Saturday but some colleagues from my new job are getting together prior to the start of the scheme.It's central, and my head is swimming with calculations so I may have a beer or two myself ;-)

And when I say my head's swimming, I mean it - I can't tell Fri from Sat!

Lol! Oh well, whatever night you're going out, have fun! And don't get too drunk - you don't want to turn into one of those weirdo drunks.



x

I'm coming to my senses, it's Friday, I can go home in a minute.

Tommy Cooper:

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

You have to give people warning when you tell a joke that funny. I was drinking a cup of tea and when i got to the last line i spat it out everwhere. It went all over and inside the keyboard. I've had to hover it to get it all out. And i'm really not being sarcastic, i found that hilarious - probably shouldn't given how politically incorrect it's content is but i did. Seems like we have a similar sense of humour Richard.

x

Oops, bad luck - with the tea and the sense of humour. I've never heard of anyone hoovering tea from the inside of a keyboard - well done you, you are obviously very special ;-)

There are lots of hilarious Tommy Cooper gags on the web. I'll send you a link to some of them when I get around to it.

Seriously: sorry about the tea.

Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."


First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could


(ok, this one is pretty harsh but i found it funny)
A guy goes in a bar and gets really drunk and starts to walk home. Every 2 steps he falls.
So he is 2 steps away from his doorway and he falls in. Then he tries to walk up the stairs quietly and get in bed.

In the morning his wife gets up before him and says "Were you drinking lastnight?"

He asks, "how did you know?"

She says "you left your wheelchair at the bar"


x (yeah, the hoovering thing was something i discovered a while back when i was hoovering around the computer and knocked over a glass of water onto the keyboard. I couldn't be bothered to get a cloth to wipe the table so i tried to hoover it up and it worked so then i tried it on the keyboard and it worked a treat.)

Hmm, hoovering liquid...

Have you looked insode the hoover yet, or emptied the bag?!

When I was doing my finals I spilled a bottle of belgian beer over my keyboard and removed each key manually to wash the entire thing in the sink. It worked. The things you do to avoid revision...

Good thing it was the computer and not the piano keyboard.

'I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...'

'I found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins. '

Yeah, i do it all the time. It's weird, you would think it would mess the hoover up but it doesn't. It works really well. Shame you didn't know that nugget of advice when you were doing your finals. Could have saved you alot of time. I hope you put the keys back in their right places (that would be hilarious trying to type something and the wrong letters kept coming off - sorry, sideline thought - ignore me).

And my thoughts exactly regarding the keyboard of the piano - it would have been alot harder to forgive you if i got tea all over my brand new ivories.

x

A man ran into an old friend in a bar. The old friend looked down and seedy.
"What's wrong?"
"I've gotten old. Thing just don't work right for me and the missus."
"Maybe you should see a doctor."
A week later the man meets his old friend again. His friend is well dressed, shoes are polished, he's wearing a new suit with a carnation.
"Wow! That doctor must've really fixed you up!"
"Naw, he couldn't help me. But he told me I was impotent. And I figured if I was impotent I was gonna look impotent!"

This guy complains to his friend, "Oy, my daughter is so ugly, she'll never get married!"

"Well," replies his friend, "how ugly is she?"

"She's so ugly - if you were to put her on a platter, next to a herring, you wouldn't tell the difference."

His friend thinks for a moment.

"What kind of herring?"

The first man is a little surprised by the question, and he quickly answers: "Err.. Bismarck."

"Too bad," his friend laments. "You see, if it were Madjes, she'd at least have a much better chance."

You know, i wish i understood jokes better. I just don't get that fish one.

x

What's green and sits in a closet?...........

Last year's Hide-and-Seek Champion.

Definition of coffee:
the person on whom one caughs.

Deep thinking: If you could walk through walls, wouldn't you fall through the floor?

Deep thinking: why does nobody dare to drink Cup-a-Soup in a bowl???

(I know this isn't the funniest jokes you've ever heard, but it's all I could think of...)

One last one:

A guy takes a girl out on a date, and it goes very well. Emboldened by this, the guy decides to try that first kiss when they reach her house.

So he casually leans against the wall in front of the front door, and asks: "So how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"

"Oh, no I could never do that, maybe my parents will see us.."

"Oh come on, I know you like me - your parents is fast asleep!"

"No, I would feel too embarrassed!"

"Pretty please?"

Suddenly the girl's sister opens the front door looking very disheveled in her pyjamas.

"Dad says to go ahead and give him the kiss - or I could give it to him. Or, if need be, Dad will come down and kiss him himself! But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!!"

Hi from South Africa

Hehe, Ronel Augustyn, wasn't a similar joke to that on a Mastercard advert, only ruder...!

What did the idiot call his pet zebra?
Spot.

Well, that one cracked me up when I was ten, anyway!

The jazz player had some doubts about how well his new nonmusical girl friend would fit in with his crowd but he took her to the party anyway. She seemed pretty happy even though at times she looked a little bewildered. On the way home, he asked her if she'd had a good time. "Sure," she says, "but one question. Who WAS the loneliest monk?"

Evidently, Madjes herrings look nicer than Bismarck herrings (until you eat them.)

Well, Woody Allen seemed to think so, at least.

Oh right. I think i'm going to have to crawl back under a rock now in shame. I don't get that jazz one either.

x

Thelonius Monk = the loneliest monk

Oh right. I had never heard of Thelonious Monk before which is why it didn't really mean anything to me. I just did a search and was reading about him and now i totally get it. Yey, i'm happy again.

x

James Bond walks into a restaraunt and sits down in a booth across from a chicken. He says, "Hi, my name's Bond, James Bond. What's your name?" And the chicken says, "My name's Ken, Chick-ken."


A little kid sees that his mom is getting gray hairs and asks her why. She tells him that every time he does something bad she gets another gray hair. The boy thinks about this for a minute, his eyes get really wide, and he says, "What did you do to grandma?!"

A blind man walked into a bar and struck up a conversation with the barkeep. They were getting along fine until the blind man started to tell a joke.
"How many blonds does - - "
"Whoa," the barkeep interrupted. "You ought to know, I'm blond, the big guy two stools down is blond, and those two bikers in the booth are both blond. You still wanna tell that joke?"
"Naw," said the blind man. "Why would I wanna have to explain it four times?"

One near and dear to me:
How many engineers does it take to slice a pie?
3.14159.
BOOOO!!! (it's the only clean joke I know.)

Heres a couple that are just barely better than Bon-bon jokes.....

What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I'm going to hang around.

What does a physicist have for lunch?
Fission chips.

Apologies if this has been posted before - havent read them all yet.
As its that time of year again...

"How does Good King Wenceles like his pizza?"
"Deep-pan, crisp and even."

Oh, thats BAAD! (cringe)

well, of course i have to tell it...although most of you have probably heard it...

Q. What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?

A. Ba-na-na-na

i suppose it works better if you actually tell it to people rather than write it....

lol - hadnt heard that one before.

Hmm, another one I can steal for my 'repertoire'!

Virtues of copying manuscript correctly...


The monks were all busy hand copying text when one of them asked....

"Why are we copying from copies?"

The supervisor monk explained that the originals were very old and delicate and were kept in a temerature controlled vault in the basement.
The young monk then asked...

"Well, how do we know the copies are correct? Does anyone check them?"

The supervisor monk thought about this for a minute and said...

"Well, I don't know if anyone has ever checked them against the original. We have always felt that the monks were very conscientious about their work and did not make mistakes. If you are really concerned about it, you can take your copy down to the vault and check it against the original."

The young monk decided that he wanted to do that and took his copy and went down to the vault to check it against the original. After several hours, the other monks went to the supervisor and expressed concern because the younger monk had been gone so long. They all decided to go down to the vault and check on him, just in case he got locked in. When the arrived at the vault, they found the young monk sitting on the floor with his copy and the original sobbing hysterically. The supervisor explaimed...

"What is wrong my son???"

The young monk held up the original scroll and cried out... THE WORD IS CELEBRATE...c-e-l-e-b-R-a-t-e... ITS CELEBRATE!!!!

Who is the roundest knight of the knights of the round table?

Sir-cumference!


You said stupid jokes

A bear comes into a bar in Billings and asks for a beer. The bartender says: We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings. Oh yeah? says the bear, if I don't get a beer, I'll go over there and eat that lady at the far end of the counter. The bartender sticks to his guns, and the bear lumbers over to the lady and eats her, lock, stock and barrel. He goes back to the bartender and asks for a beer. No, says the bartender, we don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings. Especially not when they are on drugs. But I'm not on drugs, protests the bear. You are now, says the bartender. That was a bar bitch you ate!

(groan.....)

An alligator walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "Sure, but why the long face?"

A duck goes into a pharmacy and asks for some chapstick. The pharmisists asks if he'd like to pay for that with cash or credit. The duck says "Oh, just put it on my bill."