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#917429 - 11/19/06 01:16 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
pianojerome Offline
9000 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/01/05
Posts: 9868
Another walk-into-a-bar joke:

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Is this a joke?"
_________________________
Sam

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#917430 - 11/19/06 01:47 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
sarabande Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 1597
Loc: Mo.
Here's one told today at a relative gathering:

A dumb blond sold her car so she could buy gas for it!

Top
#917431 - 11/19/06 09:22 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
LisztAddict Offline
2000 Post Club Member

Registered: 12/12/05
Posts: 2895
Loc: Florida
 Quote:
Originally posted by pianojerome:
Another walk-into-a-bar joke:

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Is this a joke?" [/b]
Supposed to be, I guess!

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#917432 - 11/19/06 09:32 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
LiszThalberg Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 03/13/06
Posts: 3288
Another walk-into-a-bar joke:

A man walking into a bar!
ba dum phsh
rofl!

Top
#917433 - 11/19/06 09:33 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
ChrisKeys Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/21/03
Posts: 1273
Loc: Dallas, TX
One time I walked into a bar, but fortunately I didn't get hurt. \:\)

Chris

Top
#917434 - 11/19/06 09:12 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Aaron Xxxxxx Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/19/06
Posts: 3
Loc: California
What did the elephant say to the piano?.....Nothing it had no teeth..Yha I know haa......
_________________________
D #C C B D #C C B D D #C D #D E #C C B

Meow Mix Theme!!!!!

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#917435 - 12/09/06 04:11 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
buxtehude Offline
Full Member

Registered: 09/07/06
Posts: 499
Loc: Copenhagen, Denmark
 Quote:
Originally posted by hv:
 Quote:
Originally posted by pianojerome:
This guy complains to his friend, "Oy, my daughter is so ugly, she'll never get married!"

"Well," replies his friend, "how ugly is she?"

"She's so ugly - if you were to put her on a platter, next to a herring, you wouldn't tell the difference."

His friend thinks for a moment.

"What kind of herring?"

The first man is a little surprised by the question, and he quickly answers: "Err.. Bismarck."

"Too bad," his friend laments. "You see, if it were Madjes, she'd at least have a much better chance." [/b]
I just remembered that a Swede once explained to me that Matjes is Swedish for young girl and that matjes herring is from female fish that haven't yet spawned. And that its usually served fresh and salty as opposed to pickled in vinegar like Bismarck herring.

[/b]
Reminds me of something you'd WISH to be a joke, but isn't: the Swedish surströmming, that is fermented herring! It smells so bad, that the cans are often opened under water, and it tastes (no matter that a lot of Swedes claims to the opposite) even worse: rotten fish!

So run away if a Swede invites you on rotten fish: It's NOT a joke!!

Top
#917436 - 12/09/06 04:13 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
pianojerome Offline
9000 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/01/05
Posts: 9868
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

"Ouch."

"Ouch."

"Oy vey."
_________________________
Sam

Top
#917437 - 12/09/06 04:15 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
pianojerome Offline
9000 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/01/05
Posts: 9868
 Quote:
Originally posted by buxtehude:
 Quote:
Originally posted by hv:
 Quote:
Originally posted by pianojerome:
This guy complains to his friend, "Oy, my daughter is so ugly, she'll never get married!"

"Well," replies his friend, "how ugly is she?"

"She's so ugly - if you were to put her on a platter, next to a herring, you wouldn't tell the difference."

His friend thinks for a moment.

"What kind of herring?"

The first man is a little surprised by the question, and he quickly answers: "Err.. Bismarck."

"Too bad," his friend laments. "You see, if it were Madjes, she'd at least have a much better chance." [/b]
I just remembered that a Swede once explained to me that Matjes is Swedish for young girl and that matjes herring is from female fish that haven't yet spawned. And that its usually served fresh and salty as opposed to pickled in vinegar like Bismarck herring.

[/b]
Reminds me of something you'd WISH to be a joke, but isn't: the Swedish surströmming, that is fermented herring! It smells so bad, that the cans are often opened under water, and it tastes (no matter that a lot of Swedes claims to the opposite) even worse: rotten fish!

So run away if a Swede invites you on rotten fish: It's NOT a joke!! [/b]
Hm, seems kind of fishy to me...
_________________________
Sam

Top
#917438 - 02/13/07 07:48 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
RonP Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/28/07
Posts: 25
Loc: Sioux Falls, SD
A blonde walks up to a truck at a stop light and says: "Hi! My name is Heather and you're losing your load!"
The truck driver drives on.
At the next light. Heather catches up and says: "Hi! My name is Heather and you're losing your load!"
The truck driver drives on.
At the next light. Heather catches up again. This time huffing and puffing. She says: "Hi! (huff puff) My name is Heather!...(huff)... And you're losing your load!
This time the truck driver turns to blonde Heather and says: "Hi. My name is Kevin. It's snowing out and I'm driving a salt truck.
_________________________
RonP
Beware of kisses from Pit Bulls... They might have the flu.

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#917439 - 02/13/07 08:10 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
RonP Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/28/07
Posts: 25
Loc: Sioux Falls, SD
Adam was talking with God one day.
Adam said: "God, why did you make woman so soft and sweet?"
God said: "So you'd like her."
Adam said: "God why did you make woman so shapely and sexy?"
God said: "So you would like her."
Adam said: "God....Why did you make woman so stupid?"
God said: "Oh Adam...That's an easy one!... That's so she would like you!"
_________________________
RonP
Beware of kisses from Pit Bulls... They might have the flu.

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#917440 - 02/28/07 11:24 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Gyro Offline
4000 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 4533
In reference books where space is
at a premium, Franz Liszt is described
as a "Hung. pianist and composer." I've
read several of his biographies and
this was never mentioned in them.

Top
#917441 - 03/01/07 12:21 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Reaper978 Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 1325
 Quote:
Originally posted by Gyro:
In reference books where space is
at a premium, Franz Liszt is described
as a "Hung. pianist and composer." I've
read several of his biographies and
this was never mentioned in them. [/b]
That's quite good! \:D

Top
#917442 - 03/06/07 05:20 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
PerformingYak Offline
Full Member

Registered: 11/16/05
Posts: 205
Loc: Lightning Ridge, Australia
How many customs officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it's kind of hrd to change a lightbulb when you are administering an internal search.

...... sorry
_________________________
"Work hard and strive to reach the power of bland"

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#917443 - 04/07/08 11:56 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Gyro Offline
4000 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 4533
Colon detox

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#917444 - 04/07/08 12:06 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Innominato Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 802
Loc: London
A slice of bacon and a sausage are thrown together in a frying pan.

The sausage says: "hhmm, it's hot here, huh?"

The slice of bacon says: "aaarrggghhh!!!!! A talking sausage!!""
_________________________
"The man that hath no music in himself / Nor is not mov'd with concord of sweet sounds / Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils." (W.Shakespeare)

Kemble Conservatoire 335025 Walnut Satin

Top
#917445 - 04/24/08 05:31 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Kawai, HI Offline
Full Member

Registered: 12/19/07
Posts: 200
Loc: Hawaii
Q. How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

A1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

A2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

A3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

A4. Rottweiler: Make me.

A5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

A6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

A7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

A8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

A9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

A10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

A11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

A12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...

A13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

A14. New Zealand Sheep Dog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little cluster...

A15. Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
_________________________
Semper ubi sub ubi

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#917446 - 04/24/08 06:27 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
bitWrangler Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 03/14/07
Posts: 1785
Loc: Central TX
The rookie French Foreign Legion officer was being given a tour of the desert camp by one of his men. During the tour, the officer asks:

"with these long stretches in the desert, what do the men do when they need some, um, sexual relief?"

The soldier replied:

"well sir, the enlisted men are left to take matters into their own hands, so to speak. However, the officers have Betsy the camel over there"

The officer nodded and the tour resumed. Several weeks went by. One night the soldiers were awoken by a very strange loud noise. They ran outside and realized the noise was coming from where Betsy the camel was kept. When they got there they found the officer "engaged" with Betsy. Seeing all the men staring at him he stopped and exclaimed:

"I thought you said that the officers used Betsy when they needed sexual relief?"

The solider who gave him the tour replied:

"Yes they do, but usually they just get on her and ride into town to visit the brothel!"

Top
#917447 - 04/24/08 11:16 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
LisztAddict Offline
2000 Post Club Member

Registered: 12/12/05
Posts: 2895
Loc: Florida
\:D

Top
#917448 - 05/05/08 05:23 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Late Beginner Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/06/08
Posts: 588
Loc: West Australia
OK, you did specify stupid jokes. I've always thought that this one was right up there in the endearingly dumb stakes..


Q: What is brown and sticky?
.
.
.
.
. Give up yet?
.
.
.
. Tough heh?...
.
.
. It's...
.
.
.
A: A stick.
_________________________
Who needs feet of clay? I can get into enough trouble with feet made of regular foot stuff...

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#917449 - 05/05/08 08:38 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
TrapperJohn Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 02/11/08
Posts: 3548
Loc: Chocolatetown, USA
A pastor was giving a "hell & brimstone" sermon when all of a sudden the Devil materialized out of nowhere in a large fiery explosion behind him. The pastor turned around, took one quick look, screamed and went running like a madman right out of the church.

The congregation didn't waste any time getting out of the church either, yelling and pushing and shoving each other thru the narrow doorway.

In a flash the church was empty - except for one old guy up front, who just sat there not paying much attention at all and totally unconcerned.

The Devil ran up to him and jumped all around him making all sorts of fearsome noises and threatening the old guy with the full force of his awesome powers. But the old guy just sat there nonchalantly - practically ignoring the devil.

Finally, worn out and completely frustrated in his attempts to frighten the old guy the Devil said:
"Hey buddy - don't you know I'm the Devil?" "Aren't you afraid of me?"

The old guy just casually looked up with his listless eyes and said: "Hell no. Why should I be afraid of you? I've been married to your damn sister for 50 years."
_________________________
Every difficulty slurred over will be a ghost to disturb your repose later on. Frederic Chopin

Current favorite bumper sticker: Wag more, bark less.

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#917450 - 05/07/08 05:29 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Jamie147 Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 212
Loc: England, UK
A 10 inch high wishing well visits his Doctors and says:

"Doctor, Doctor I'm not a tall well"
_________________________
We are the melodies and the notes of your opus. We are the music of your life.

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#917451 - 05/07/08 11:43 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Les Koltvedt Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/13/05
Posts: 3195
Loc: Canton, MI
Did ya hear that the local police found a hole in the fence of the nudist colony?

Their looking into it...

Then when they got back to the precinct, they discovered that someone had taken their commode...

they've got nothing to go on...
_________________________
Les Koltvedt
LK Piano
Servicing the S. Eastern Michigan Area
PTG Associate

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#917452 - 05/07/08 11:54 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
melissa d Offline
Full Member

Registered: 09/17/07
Posts: 113
Loc: Cibolo, Texas
_________________________
My blog such as it is http://melissasjourneys.blogspot.com

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#917453 - 05/07/08 12:28 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Deerwood Dad Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/04/07
Posts: 478
Loc: Minneapolis
Ole and Lena are making love, and tings yust aren’t going too well for Ole. Lena, concerned for her poor husband sugyests that Ole see a doctor. Ole complies, and the good doctor sugyests that Ole’s problem stems from his lack of exercise. “Ole, you need to get some exercise for crying out loud. I want you to walk a mile every day for a week and call me and let me know how things are going.” Ole reluctantly agrees.

After a week of diligent exercise, Ole does as the doctor instructed and calls to check in. “Doctor, I did what you tole me to doo, now what?” The doctor queries Ole – “Well, Ole, how are things going in the bedroom now that you are getting in better shape?” To which Ole, in disgust replies “How da hell vood I know! I’m seven miles frum home!!”
_________________________
Mason & Hamlin A (2006); Yamaha P140

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#917454 - 05/07/08 02:05 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Deerwood Dad Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/04/07
Posts: 478
Loc: Minneapolis
How about these unanswerable Dear Abby letters?

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
_________________________
Mason & Hamlin A (2006); Yamaha P140

Top
#917455 - 05/08/08 01:40 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Les Koltvedt Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/13/05
Posts: 3195
Loc: Canton, MI
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:


HEBREWS
_________________________
Les Koltvedt
LK Piano
Servicing the S. Eastern Michigan Area
PTG Associate

Top
#917456 - 05/08/08 03:16 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
rodmichael Offline
Full Member

Registered: 02/08/08
Posts: 334
Loc: Maryland
My small contribution, perhaps well known to all:

There are 10 kinds of people in the world who understand binary numbering: Those who do and those who don't.
_________________________
Rod Michael
Mason & Hamlin AA, SN 93018
Yamaha CGP-1000, SN UCNZ01010
Zoom Q3



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#917457 - 05/08/08 08:20 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
JeanieA Offline
Full Member

Registered: 11/03/04
Posts: 499
Loc: Reno, Nevada
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!

Ok, so I teach elementary school...
_________________________
Collector of sheet music I can't play.

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#917458 - 05/08/08 08:26 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
bitWrangler Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 03/14/07
Posts: 1785
Loc: Central TX
Another oldie but goodie:

A bear and a rabbit are going poopoo in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says:

"Excuse me Mr. Rabbit, but do you have problems with poo sticking to your fur"?

The rabbit replies:

"Why no, I don't."

So the bear then wipes his bottom with the rabbit.

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