A man calls his doctor and explains that he's having a terrible gas problem. But's that's not the worst of it; whenever he has an 'attack,' it's not the normal sound; the man says that the explosion sounds like 'RONDA!'

The doctor says, "Oh, that's easy. Make an appointment with your dentist. You have an abcessed tooth." The man says, "You haven't even seen me! How can you be so sure you know what the problem is?"

The doctor replies: "Well, sir, I'm sure because everybody knows that abcess makes the f@rt go RONDA!"[/b]

What do you call a Tennis player that talks to cakes?

Martina Natters-to-pavlovas

Why did grandma put roller skates on her rocker?

She wanted to rock and roll.

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

JUNMER

Why did the scarecrow win the award? He was outstanding in his field.

Did you hear about the man who lost his left side? Hes alright now.

Much funnier if you read this imagining a Minnesota-Swedish accent.

Two Minnesota farmers are talking:

Sven: "Hey, Ole, how's it going?"
Ole: "Oh, not so good."
Sven: "What's the problem?"
Ole: "My old boar has died and my sows have all come into season."
Sven: "That's no problem, just load them up into the truck and bring them over. I've got a boar that can service them. Then the next day, if it took, they'll be rolling in the mud, and if it didn't, they'll be laying in the sun."

So, Ole took his sows over to Sven's farm. The next day, Sven calls Ole.

Sven: "So, do you think it took?"
Ole: "They're laying in the sun, so I suppose it didn't."
Sven: "OK, then, bring them by again today."

So, Ole did. The next day, Sven calls him back.
Sven: "Do you think it took this time?"
Ole: "I don't know."
Sven: "Are they rolling in the mud or laying in the sun?'
Ole: "They're not doing either"
Sven: "Well, what are they doing?"
Ole: "They've gotten into the truck and one of them is blowing the horn!"

A farmer friend of mine spent a good part of each afternoon holding his favorite pig up so that the pampered animal could eat apples right off the tree. Day after day the same thing happened.

Finally I couldn't take it any longer. "Jeff," I said. "Don't you see what a waste of time that is?"

"I've though about it," he said, "but really when you think about it, what's time to a pig?"

A man walks into the kitchen for a midnight snack. He opens the refrigerator, and there in the vegetable crisper he sees a rabbit, peacefully dozing.

Man: Say, what are you doing here?
Rabbit: What is this place?
Man: It's a refrigerator.
Rabbit: What kind is it?
Man: It's a Westinghouse.
Rabbit: Well, I'm westing.