I thought I read this was also a place for jokes, so here goes. Since we are keeping it clean - I'll tell my two favorite 3rd grade jokes.

"What did the fish say when he ran into a brick wall?" "Dam!"


"What's the differene between broccoli and boogers?" "Kids will eat boogers."

Oh - I didn't see the "ground Rules" thread about posting a stupid joke at the end of every thread. Guess that's where all the stupid jokes are. Sorry.

Doctor: Now what seems to be the problem?
Patient: Well Doctor, I can't seem to get Tom Jones out of my head. I'm obssessed with him.
Doctor: Ah yes, that'll be Tom Jones syndrome I'm afraid.
Patient: Is it rare?
Doctor: Well it's not unusual.

What's the difference between an Italian mother and a vulture?

The vulture waits until your dead to eat your heart out.

Derick

(Edit - guess that's more true than stoopid. Oh well.)

I saw Johnny Carson in Vegas once talking about Tom Jones, but I can't repeat it here- Too "vulgar" But you can probably guess what he had to say about him. Good, bad jokes, guys!

Was it anything to do with his lucky leek?

????? - No it had to do with the dangers for women sitting in the front rows!

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
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"HEBREWS"

Well I guess we are doing it right then. He gets up early and he fixes the coffee..

You want jokes? Here are a few, from one of my favorite comics Rodney Dangerfield, may he rest in peace.

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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right!

I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.


I was making love to one girl, I told her, "You're so flat-chested." She said, "Get off my back."


Oh, when I was a kid, when my parents went shopping, they always took me with them - that way they could park in a handicapped section.


Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.


My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.


Oh, my wife loves vacations. The other night she told me, "I wanna go someplace I've never been before." I took her to a men's room.

I'm trying a new diet now. The diet is Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya, I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Oh, when I was a kid I was poor. We were so poor, when my father died; they asked my mother, "Paper or plastic?"

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

Yes that's definitely the lucky leek.


Cindy -

A couple years ago, at my class reunion, I saw one of my friend who was clearly down on his luck. He said he had huge financial problems and he asked my advice, and I told him to consult his Bible... I saw him last night and he looked great in a new suit, with a new car and wearing lots of jewelry. He came over and thanked me for the advice. He said he went to his Bible and there at the top of the page was the advice he needed. It said "Chapter 11"

On Martha Stewart:

"Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars.

O.J. & Kobe are walking around, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook and clean and haul her rear off to jail."

(This is a joke and in no way reflects my opinion that crime should not pay)

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed after a passionate session of kissy-face.

The chicken looks over to the egg and says, "Well, I guess that answers that question!" :rolleyes:

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How do you know the Toothbrush was invented by a redneck?

Because it would have been named a Teethbrush if someone else had.

More Dangerfield:

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could ... but he pulled through."

I was such an ugly baby, my mother had morning sickness after I was born. She never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I was such an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

What a childhood I had. Why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I asked him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

And we were poor too. Why, if I weren’t born a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My Mother-in-Law came to spend a couple of weeks with us. I told her to make herself at home. "My house is your house." So the next day she sold it.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

A hooker once told me she had a headache. She was no bargain either. She showed up with pigtails under her arms. She was so fat, she had her own postal code.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?" He told me, "That’s why we give you 21 days."

ha ha above. i love rodney dangerfield.

what's the difference between a pizza and a piano player??

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a pizza can feed a family of four.

gw.

A man and wife are in bed. The wife turns to the husband and says "I am going to make you the happiest man in the world"

He says, "I'll miss you!"

(Actually I think the roles should be reversed! )

What is green and flies over Poland? Peter Panski

Why were the piano teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils

Confucious say man who drop piano down mineshaft get tone of A Flat Miner.

"You can have a nunnery, why can't you have a monkery?" -Victor Borge

I'm intentionally keeping this out of the serious discussion in the other forum:

"I have always told my wife that I would rather die than be on some machine to prolong my life. Last night she saw me on the exer-cycle, and came at me with a kitchen knife . . ."

Doug

The shrink's secretary says to him:

"Mr. Edwards, the man who thinks he's invisible is here."

Shrink says:

"Tell him I can't see him now."


(rimshot!)

I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps coming back!

Guy goes to see the doctor.

"I've got some bad news and some horrible news."

"What's the bad news?"

"You have a horrible form of cancer, there's no treatment and you have only one day to live."

"Oh my God! What's the horrible news?"

"I tried to call you yesterday...."

2:00 AM, Mr. Lebowitz is woken up by a loud knock at his front door.

"It's the mailman!"

So Lebowitz climbs out of bed, opens the door, and finds two Russian KGB agents with their guns pointed at his face.

"Are you Samuel Lebowitz?" one of them demands.

"Yes."

"Did you just file a request to leave Russia?"

"Yes."

"Tell me, Lebowitz: do you make a decent living?"

"Yes."

"Do your children get a good communist education?"

"Yes."

"Then tell me, Lebowitz: why do you want to leave Russia?"

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"Because," he replies, "I don't like to live in a place where they deliver the mail at 2:00 in the morning!"

"I've got to go marry my daughter, so please give me a weeks leave."
-indian guy w/ bad english

"I was so ugly when I was a kid that my parents tied a porkchop around my neck to get the dog to play with me."

Did you hear about the old maid that chased the priest around the church? She caught him by the organ.

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow.

(My favourite joke when I was little)

God, i must be sooo stupid. I don't get it?

You need to sing the song (!)

"Somewhere over the rainbow,
weigh a pie"

Poor, I know. One of those things I found hilarious as a child and I still hear it through the same ears. Same often happens with pieces of music. Gosh, almost worthy of its own thread.

I'm out on the toon tonight woo; it's a big event when Durham is your usual haunt.

Thanks for that! Now everytime i hear the song i'm gonna think of that and be in stitches. I'm singing it to myself now and when i listen to what im singing i can't tell whether i'm singing 'way up high' or weigh a pie'. Damn it!

A word of warning. Watch out for weirdo drunken people. There's alot of them in town on a Friday night. Very scary.



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