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#917339 - 12/05/04 11:09 AM Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
teachum Offline
2000 Post Club Member

Registered: 05/19/04
Posts: 2913
Loc: idaho
I thought I read this was also a place for jokes, so here goes. Since we are keeping it clean - I'll tell my two favorite 3rd grade jokes.

"What did the fish say when he ran into a brick wall?" "Dam!"


"What's the differene between broccoli and boogers?" "Kids will eat boogers."
_________________________
You will be 10 years older, ten years from now, no matter what you do - so go for it!

Estonia #6141 in Satin Mahogany

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#917340 - 12/05/04 12:56 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
teachum Offline
2000 Post Club Member

Registered: 05/19/04
Posts: 2913
Loc: idaho
Oh - I didn't see the "ground Rules" thread about posting a stupid joke at the end of every thread. Guess that's where all the stupid jokes are. Sorry. \:D
_________________________
You will be 10 years older, ten years from now, no matter what you do - so go for it!

Estonia #6141 in Satin Mahogany

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#917341 - 12/05/04 02:29 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
ycul Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/23/04
Posts: 1402
Loc: U.K.
Doctor: Now what seems to be the problem?
Patient: Well Doctor, I can't seem to get Tom Jones out of my head. I'm obssessed with him.
Doctor: Ah yes, that'll be Tom Jones syndrome I'm afraid.
Patient: Is it rare?
Doctor: Well it's not unusual. \:D
_________________________
How now, brown cow.

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#917342 - 12/05/04 02:33 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Derick Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/03/02
Posts: 3290
Loc: New York
What's the difference between an Italian mother and a vulture?

The vulture waits until your dead to eat your heart out.

Derick

(Edit - guess that's more true than stoopid. Oh well.)
_________________________
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.

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#917343 - 12/05/04 02:42 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
teachum Offline
2000 Post Club Member

Registered: 05/19/04
Posts: 2913
Loc: idaho
I saw Johnny Carson in Vegas once talking about Tom Jones, but I can't repeat it here- Too "vulgar" \:D But you can probably guess what he had to say about him. Good, bad jokes, guys!
_________________________
You will be 10 years older, ten years from now, no matter what you do - so go for it!

Estonia #6141 in Satin Mahogany

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#917344 - 12/05/04 02:48 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
ycul Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/23/04
Posts: 1402
Loc: U.K.
 Quote:
Originally posted by teachum:
I saw Johnny Carson in Vegas once talking about Tom Jones, but I can't repeat it here- Too "vulgar" \:D But you can probably guess what he had to say about him. Good, bad jokes, guys! [/b]
Was it anything to do with his lucky leek?
_________________________
How now, brown cow.

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#917345 - 12/05/04 03:00 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
teachum Offline
2000 Post Club Member

Registered: 05/19/04
Posts: 2913
Loc: idaho
????? - No it had to do with the dangers for women sitting in the front rows!
_________________________
You will be 10 years older, ten years from now, no matter what you do - so go for it!

Estonia #6141 in Satin Mahogany

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#917346 - 12/05/04 03:07 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
markjpcs Offline


Registered: 08/31/04
Posts: 3170
Loc: Wisconsin
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
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"HEBREWS"
_________________________
Visit us at:
The Piano World Practice Club

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#917347 - 12/05/04 03:15 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
teachum Offline
2000 Post Club Member

Registered: 05/19/04
Posts: 2913
Loc: idaho
Well I guess we are doing it right then. He gets up early and he fixes the coffee..
_________________________
You will be 10 years older, ten years from now, no matter what you do - so go for it!

Estonia #6141 in Satin Mahogany

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#917348 - 12/05/04 05:01 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Cindysphinx Offline


Registered: 02/14/03
Posts: 6416
Loc: Washington D.C. Metro
You want jokes? Here are a few, from one of my favorite comics Rodney Dangerfield, may he rest in peace.

********************


When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right!

I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.


I was making love to one girl, I told her, "You're so flat-chested." She said, "Get off my back."


Oh, when I was a kid, when my parents went shopping, they always took me with them - that way they could park in a handicapped section.


Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.


My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.


Oh, my wife loves vacations. The other night she told me, "I wanna go someplace I've never been before." I took her to a men's room.

I'm trying a new diet now. The diet is Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya, I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Oh, when I was a kid I was poor. We were so poor, when my father died; they asked my mother, "Paper or plastic?"

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
_________________________
Vote For Cindy!!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post...QvjrL_blog.html

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#917349 - 12/05/04 05:07 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
ycul Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/23/04
Posts: 1402
Loc: U.K.
 Quote:
Originally posted by teachum:
????? - No it had to do with the dangers for women sitting in the front rows! [/b]
Yes that's definitely the lucky leek.
\:D

Cindy -
_________________________
How now, brown cow.

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#917350 - 12/05/04 05:30 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
ragtimebg Offline
Full Member

Registered: 09/07/04
Posts: 180
Loc: California
A couple years ago, at my class reunion, I saw one of my friend who was clearly down on his luck. He said he had huge financial problems and he asked my advice, and I told him to consult his Bible... I saw him last night and he looked great in a new suit, with a new car and wearing lots of jewelry. He came over and thanked me for the advice. He said he went to his Bible and there at the top of the page was the advice he needed. It said "Chapter 11"
_________________________
I have a new mistress. She's black and curvy and pretty and sounds great and has great legs. I call her "Petrof".

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#917351 - 12/06/04 06:04 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
apple* Offline


Registered: 01/01/03
Posts: 19862
Loc: Kansas
On Martha Stewart:

"Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars.

O.J. & Kobe are walking around, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook and clean and haul her rear off to jail."

(This is a joke and in no way reflects my opinion that crime should not pay)
_________________________
accompanist/organist.. a non-MTNA teacher to a few

love and peace, Õun (apple in Estonian)

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#917352 - 12/06/04 01:09 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Nina Offline
6000 Post Club Member

Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 6467
Loc: Phoenix, AZ
The chicken and the egg are laying in bed after a passionate session of kissy-face.

The chicken looks over to the egg and says, "Well, I guess that answers that question!" :rolleyes:

--------

How do you know the Toothbrush was invented by a redneck?

Because it would have been named a Teethbrush if someone else had.

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#917353 - 12/06/04 02:44 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
MusicMagellan Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/21/04
Posts: 1157
Loc: NY
More Dangerfield:

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could ... but he pulled through."

I was such an ugly baby, my mother had morning sickness after I was born. She never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I was such an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

What a childhood I had. Why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I asked him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

And we were poor too. Why, if I werent born a boy, Id have had nothing to play with!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My Mother-in-Law came to spend a couple of weeks with us. I told her to make herself at home. "My house is your house." So the next day she sold it.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

A hooker once told me she had a headache. She was no bargain either. She showed up with pigtails under her arms. She was so fat, she had her own postal code.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?" He told me, "Thats why we give you 21 days."
_________________________
(watch this space)

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#917354 - 12/20/04 09:42 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
gwood Offline
Full Member

Registered: 05/27/01
Posts: 92
Loc: plano,tx
ha ha above. i love rodney dangerfield.

what's the difference between a pizza and a piano player??

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a pizza can feed a family of four.

gw.

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#917355 - 12/23/04 07:31 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
taiwan_girl Offline
Full Member

Registered: 05/27/04
Posts: 332
Loc: Illinois/Thailand/Korea
A man and wife are in bed. The wife turns to the husband and says "I am going to make you the happiest man in the world"

He says, "I'll miss you!"

(Actually I think the roles should be reversed! \:\) )

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#917356 - 01/08/05 09:55 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
LifeWithoutLuigi Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/01/05
Posts: 74
Loc: Kah-Lee-For-Neeah
What is green and flies over Poland? Peter Panski

Why were the piano teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils

Confucious say man who drop piano down mineshaft get tone of A Flat Miner.

"You can have a nunnery, why can't you have a monkery?" -Victor Borge
_________________________
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than, "I told you so."

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#917357 - 03/21/05 04:14 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
dgoddard2 Offline
Full Member

Registered: 09/08/04
Posts: 484
Loc: los angeles
I'm intentionally keeping this out of the serious discussion in the other forum:

"I have always told my wife that I would rather die than be on some machine to prolong my life. Last night she saw me on the exer-cycle, and came at me with a kitchen knife . . ."

Doug
_________________________
"The secret to staying calm in a crisis is not having all the facts."

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#917358 - 04/02/05 01:30 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
George K Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 12/20/04
Posts: 999
Loc: The Midwest
The shrink's secretary says to him:

"Mr. Edwards, the man who thinks he's invisible is here."

Shrink says:

"Tell him I can't see him now."


(rimshot!)
_________________________

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#917359 - 04/22/05 10:43 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
ChatNoir Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/19/05
Posts: 1475
Loc: Encino, California
I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps coming back!
_________________________
Some men are music lovers. Others make love without it.

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#917360 - 04/24/05 08:08 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
George K Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 12/20/04
Posts: 999
Loc: The Midwest
Guy goes to see the doctor.

"I've got some bad news and some horrible news."

"What's the bad news?"

"You have a horrible form of cancer, there's no treatment and you have only one day to live."

"Oh my God! What's the horrible news?"

"I tried to call you yesterday...."
_________________________

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#917361 - 07/31/05 05:43 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
pianojerome Offline
9000 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/01/05
Posts: 9868
2:00 AM, Mr. Lebowitz is woken up by a loud knock at his front door.

"It's the mailman!"

So Lebowitz climbs out of bed, opens the door, and finds two Russian KGB agents with their guns pointed at his face.

"Are you Samuel Lebowitz?" one of them demands.

"Yes."

"Did you just file a request to leave Russia?"

"Yes."

"Tell me, Lebowitz: do you make a decent living?"

"Yes."

"Do your children get a good communist education?"

"Yes."

"Then tell me, Lebowitz: why do you want to leave Russia?"

...
...

"Because," he replies, "I don't like to live in a place where they deliver the mail at 2:00 in the morning!"
_________________________
Sam

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#917362 - 08/11/05 12:50 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
pagnini Offline
Full Member

Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 67
"I've got to go marry my daughter, so please give me a weeks leave."
-indian guy w/ bad english
_________________________
"I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent."

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#917363 - 08/11/05 06:45 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Dis Offline
Full Member

Registered: 08/09/05
Posts: 67
Loc: California
"I was so ugly when I was a kid that my parents tied a porkchop around my neck to get the dog to play with me."

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#917364 - 08/11/05 07:24 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
-Frycek Offline
5000 Post Club Member

Registered: 08/06/05
Posts: 5921
Loc: SC Mountains
Did you hear about the old maid that chased the priest around the church? She caught him by the organ.
_________________________
Slow down and do it right.

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#917365 - 08/12/05 07:29 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Richard Martin Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/13/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Durham, UK
Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow.

(My favourite joke when I was little)

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#917366 - 08/12/05 07:50 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
***musical princess*** Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 537
Loc: Newcastle, England
 Quote:
Originally posted by Richard Martin:
Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow.

(My favourite joke when I was little) [/b]
God, i must be sooo stupid. I don't get it?
_________________________
x Caroline x

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#917367 - 08/12/05 10:34 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Richard Martin Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/13/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Durham, UK
You need to sing the song (!)

"Somewhere over the rainbow,
weigh a pie"

Poor, I know. One of those things I found hilarious as a child and I still hear it through the same ears. Same often happens with pieces of music. Gosh, almost worthy of its own thread.

I'm out on the toon tonight woo; it's a big event when Durham is your usual haunt.

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#917368 - 08/12/05 11:36 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
***musical princess*** Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 537
Loc: Newcastle, England
Thanks for that! Now everytime i hear the song i'm gonna think of that and be in stitches. I'm singing it to myself now and when i listen to what im singing i can't tell whether i'm singing 'way up high' or weigh a pie'. Damn it!

A word of warning. Watch out for weirdo drunken people. There's alot of them in town on a Friday night. Very scary.

\:D

x
_________________________
x Caroline x

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#917369 - 08/12/05 11:43 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Richard Martin Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/13/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Durham, UK
Glad I'm not the only one with an under-developed sense of humour ;-)

Thanks for the warning, I do find the centre of town a bit grim on a Saturday but some colleagues from my new job are getting together prior to the start of the scheme.It's central, and my head is swimming with calculations so I may have a beer or two myself ;-)

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#917370 - 08/12/05 11:44 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Richard Martin Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/13/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Durham, UK
And when I say my head's swimming, I mean it - I can't tell Fri from Sat!

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#917371 - 08/12/05 11:49 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
***musical princess*** Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 537
Loc: Newcastle, England
Lol! Oh well, whatever night you're going out, have fun! And don't get too drunk - you don't want to turn into one of those weirdo drunks.

\:D

x
_________________________
x Caroline x

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#917372 - 08/12/05 11:58 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Richard Martin Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/13/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Durham, UK
I'm coming to my senses, it's Friday, I can go home in a minute.

Tommy Cooper:

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

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#917373 - 08/12/05 12:09 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
***musical princess*** Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 537
Loc: Newcastle, England
You have to give people warning when you tell a joke that funny. I was drinking a cup of tea and when i got to the last line i spat it out everwhere. It went all over and inside the keyboard. I've had to hover it to get it all out. And i'm really not being sarcastic, i found that hilarious - probably shouldn't given how politically incorrect it's content is but i did. Seems like we have a similar sense of humour Richard.

x
_________________________
x Caroline x

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#917374 - 08/12/05 12:19 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Richard Martin Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/13/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Durham, UK
Oops, bad luck - with the tea and the sense of humour. I've never heard of anyone hoovering tea from the inside of a keyboard - well done you, you are obviously very special ;-)

There are lots of hilarious Tommy Cooper gags on the web. I'll send you a link to some of them when I get around to it.

Seriously: sorry about the tea.

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#917375 - 08/12/05 12:25 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
***musical princess*** Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 537
Loc: Newcastle, England
Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."


First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could


(ok, this one is pretty harsh but i found it funny)
A guy goes in a bar and gets really drunk and starts to walk home. Every 2 steps he falls.
So he is 2 steps away from his doorway and he falls in. Then he tries to walk up the stairs quietly and get in bed.

In the morning his wife gets up before him and says "Were you drinking lastnight?"

He asks, "how did you know?"

She says "you left your wheelchair at the bar"


x (yeah, the hoovering thing was something i discovered a while back when i was hoovering around the computer and knocked over a glass of water onto the keyboard. I couldn't be bothered to get a cloth to wipe the table so i tried to hoover it up and it worked so then i tried it on the keyboard and it worked a treat.)
_________________________
x Caroline x

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#917376 - 08/12/05 12:39 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Richard Martin Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/13/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Durham, UK
Hmm, hoovering liquid...

Have you looked insode the hoover yet, or emptied the bag?!

When I was doing my finals I spilled a bottle of belgian beer over my keyboard and removed each key manually to wash the entire thing in the sink. It worked. The things you do to avoid revision...

Good thing it was the computer and not the piano keyboard.

'I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...'

'I found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins. '

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#917377 - 08/12/05 12:48 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
***musical princess*** Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 537
Loc: Newcastle, England
Yeah, i do it all the time. It's weird, you would think it would mess the hoover up but it doesn't. It works really well. Shame you didn't know that nugget of advice when you were doing your finals. Could have saved you alot of time. I hope you put the keys back in their right places (that would be hilarious trying to type something and the wrong letters kept coming off - sorry, sideline thought - ignore me).

And my thoughts exactly regarding the keyboard of the piano - it would have been alot harder to forgive you if i got tea all over my brand new ivories.

x
_________________________
x Caroline x

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#917378 - 08/13/05 08:05 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
-Frycek Offline
5000 Post Club Member

Registered: 08/06/05
Posts: 5921
Loc: SC Mountains
A man ran into an old friend in a bar. The old friend looked down and seedy.
"What's wrong?"
"I've gotten old. Thing just don't work right for me and the missus."
"Maybe you should see a doctor."
A week later the man meets his old friend again. His friend is well dressed, shoes are polished, he's wearing a new suit with a carnation.
"Wow! That doctor must've really fixed you up!"
"Naw, he couldn't help me. But he told me I was impotent. And I figured if I was impotent I was gonna look impotent!"
_________________________
Slow down and do it right.

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#917379 - 08/17/05 03:40 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
pianojerome Offline
9000 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/01/05
Posts: 9868
This guy complains to his friend, "Oy, my daughter is so ugly, she'll never get married!"

"Well," replies his friend, "how ugly is she?"

"She's so ugly - if you were to put her on a platter, next to a herring, you wouldn't tell the difference."

His friend thinks for a moment.

"What kind of herring?"

The first man is a little surprised by the question, and he quickly answers: "Err.. Bismarck."

"Too bad," his friend laments. "You see, if it were Madjes, she'd at least have a much better chance."
_________________________
Sam

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#917380 - 08/19/05 03:39 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
***musical princess*** Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 537
Loc: Newcastle, England
You know, i wish i understood jokes better. I just don't get that fish one.

x
_________________________
x Caroline x

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#917381 - 08/20/05 05:54 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Ronel Augustyn Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/14/05
Posts: 527
Loc: Bloemfontein,SA
What's green and sits in a closet?...........

Last year's Hide-and-Seek Champion.

Definition of coffee:
the person on whom one caughs.

Deep thinking: If you could walk through walls, wouldn't you fall through the floor?

Deep thinking: why does nobody dare to drink Cup-a-Soup in a bowl???

(I know this isn't the funniest jokes you've ever heard, but it's all I could think of...)

One last one:

A guy takes a girl out on a date, and it goes very well. Emboldened by this, the guy decides to try that first kiss when they reach her house.

So he casually leans against the wall in front of the front door, and asks: "So how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"

"Oh, no I could never do that, maybe my parents will see us.."

"Oh come on, I know you like me - your parents is fast asleep!"

"No, I would feel too embarrassed!"

"Pretty please?"

Suddenly the girl's sister opens the front door looking very disheveled in her pyjamas.

"Dad says to go ahead and give him the kiss - or I could give it to him. Or, if need be, Dad will come down and kiss him himself! But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!!"

Hi from South Africa
_________________________
lallie

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#917382 - 08/20/05 11:46 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Tezzie Offline
Full Member

Registered: 08/13/05
Posts: 59
Loc: London, UK
Hehe, Ronel Augustyn, wasn't a similar joke to that on a Mastercard advert, only ruder...!

What did the idiot call his pet zebra?
Spot.

Well, that one cracked me up when I was ten, anyway!
_________________________
"Without a piano I don't know how to stand, don't know what to do with my hands."
- Norah Jones

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#917383 - 08/20/05 04:25 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
-Frycek Offline
5000 Post Club Member

Registered: 08/06/05
Posts: 5921
Loc: SC Mountains
The jazz player had some doubts about how well his new nonmusical girl friend would fit in with his crowd but he took her to the party anyway. She seemed pretty happy even though at times she looked a little bewildered. On the way home, he asked her if she'd had a good time. "Sure," she says, "but one question. Who WAS the loneliest monk?"
_________________________
Slow down and do it right.

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#917384 - 08/20/05 07:01 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
pianojerome Offline
9000 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/01/05
Posts: 9868
 Quote:
Originally posted by ***musical princess***:
You know, i wish i understood jokes better. I just don't get that fish one.

x [/b]
Evidently, Madjes herrings look nicer than Bismarck herrings (until you eat them.)

Well, Woody Allen seemed to think so, at least.
_________________________
Sam

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#917385 - 08/21/05 05:08 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
***musical princess*** Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 537
Loc: Newcastle, England
Oh right. I think i'm going to have to crawl back under a rock now in shame. I don't get that jazz one either. \:\(

x
_________________________
x Caroline x

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#917386 - 08/21/05 05:46 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
-Frycek Offline
5000 Post Club Member

Registered: 08/06/05
Posts: 5921
Loc: SC Mountains
Thelonius Monk = the loneliest monk
_________________________
Slow down and do it right.

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#917387 - 08/21/05 06:28 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
***musical princess*** Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 537
Loc: Newcastle, England
Oh right. I had never heard of Thelonious Monk before which is why it didn't really mean anything to me. I just did a search and was reading about him and now i totally get it. Yey, i'm happy again. \:\)

x
_________________________
x Caroline x

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#917388 - 08/31/05 03:49 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
bandgeek Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 11
Loc: midwest
James Bond walks into a restaraunt and sits down in a booth across from a chicken. He says, "Hi, my name's Bond, James Bond. What's your name?" And the chicken says, "My name's Ken, Chick-ken."


A little kid sees that his mom is getting gray hairs and asks her why. She tells him that every time he does something bad she gets another gray hair. The boy thinks about this for a minute, his eyes get really wide, and he says, "What did you do to grandma?!"

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#917389 - 09/03/05 07:49 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
-Frycek Offline
5000 Post Club Member

Registered: 08/06/05
Posts: 5921
Loc: SC Mountains
A blind man walked into a bar and struck up a conversation with the barkeep. They were getting along fine until the blind man started to tell a joke.
"How many blonds does - - "
"Whoa," the barkeep interrupted. "You ought to know, I'm blond, the big guy two stools down is blond, and those two bikers in the booth are both blond. You still wanna tell that joke?"
"Naw," said the blind man. "Why would I wanna have to explain it four times?"
_________________________
Slow down and do it right.

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#917390 - 12/22/05 03:27 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Deliber8 Offline
Full Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 53
Loc: Michigan
One near and dear to me:
How many engineers does it take to slice a pie?
3.14159.
BOOOO!!! (it's the only clean joke I know.)

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#917391 - 12/23/05 06:48 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
PerformingYak Offline
Full Member

Registered: 11/16/05
Posts: 205
Loc: Lightning Ridge, Australia
Heres a couple that are just barely better than Bon-bon jokes.....

What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I'm going to hang around.

What does a physicist have for lunch?
Fission chips.
_________________________
"Work hard and strive to reach the power of bland"

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#917392 - 12/24/05 11:04 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Euan Morrison Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 12/01/05
Posts: 1588
Loc: Edinburgh
Apologies if this has been posted before - havent read them all yet.
As its that time of year again...

"How does Good King Wenceles like his pizza?"
"Deep-pan, crisp and even."

Oh, thats BAAD! (cringe)

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#917393 - 12/24/05 12:42 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
LWpianistin Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 09/08/05
Posts: 500
Loc: VA/MD/England...long story...
well, of course i have to tell it...although most of you have probably heard it...

Q. What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?

A. Ba-na-na-na

i suppose it works better if you actually tell it to people rather than write it....
_________________________
That's right...I have the same birthday as Mozart. If only it meant something and I could have one thousandth of his genius...in my dreams, i suppose.

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#917394 - 12/27/05 05:14 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Euan Morrison Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 12/01/05
Posts: 1588
Loc: Edinburgh
lol - hadnt heard that one before.

Hmm, another one I can steal for my 'repertoire'!

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#917395 - 01/12/06 08:45 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Shammy Offline
Full Member

Registered: 12/29/05
Posts: 115
Loc: Nutter Fort, WV
Virtues of copying manuscript correctly...


The monks were all busy hand copying text when one of them asked....

"Why are we copying from copies?"

The supervisor monk explained that the originals were very old and delicate and were kept in a temerature controlled vault in the basement.
The young monk then asked...

"Well, how do we know the copies are correct? Does anyone check them?"

The supervisor monk thought about this for a minute and said...

"Well, I don't know if anyone has ever checked them against the original. We have always felt that the monks were very conscientious about their work and did not make mistakes. If you are really concerned about it, you can take your copy down to the vault and check it against the original."

The young monk decided that he wanted to do that and took his copy and went down to the vault to check it against the original. After several hours, the other monks went to the supervisor and expressed concern because the younger monk had been gone so long. They all decided to go down to the vault and check on him, just in case he got locked in. When the arrived at the vault, they found the young monk sitting on the floor with his copy and the original sobbing hysterically. The supervisor explaimed...

"What is wrong my son???"

The young monk held up the original scroll and cried out... THE WORD IS CELEBRATE...c-e-l-e-b-R-a-t-e... ITS CELEBRATE!!!!
_________________________
...I asked my mother if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

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#917396 - 01/29/06 09:50 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
josuff247 Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/18/06
Posts: 169
Who is the roundest knight of the knights of the round table?

Sir-cumference!


You said stupid jokes \:\)
_________________________
http://frostykeys.wordpress.com/

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#917397 - 01/30/06 01:45 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
ChatNoir Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/19/05
Posts: 1475
Loc: Encino, California
A bear comes into a bar in Billings and asks for a beer. The bartender says: We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings. Oh yeah? says the bear, if I don't get a beer, I'll go over there and eat that lady at the far end of the counter. The bartender sticks to his guns, and the bear lumbers over to the lady and eats her, lock, stock and barrel. He goes back to the bartender and asks for a beer. No, says the bartender, we don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings. Especially not when they are on drugs. But I'm not on drugs, protests the bear. You are now, says the bartender. That was a bar bitch you ate!

(groan.....)
_________________________
Some men are music lovers. Others make love without it.

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#917398 - 02/01/06 10:39 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Poof Offline
Full Member

Registered: 12/06/05
Posts: 53
Loc: TX
An alligator walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "Sure, but why the long face?"

A duck goes into a pharmacy and asks for some chapstick. The pharmisists asks if he'd like to pay for that with cash or credit. The duck says "Oh, just put it on my bill."

\:\)
_________________________
Think of the fierce energy concentrated in an acorn! You bury it in the ground, and it explodes into an oak! Bury a sheep, and nothing happens but decay. ~George Bernard Shaw

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#917399 - 02/26/06 04:00 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
lol_nl Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 02/21/06
Posts: 918
Loc: Ede, Netherlands
School jokes

Joke 1
Sandy began a job as elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sanfy asked if she wanted to be her friend.
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman supiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because", the little girl answered, "I'm the goalie!"

Joke 2

Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudiying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.

After recieving this letter, the father immediately replied back.

Dear Son,
i kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forgot that the pursuit of kNOwlegde is a NOble task, and that you van never study eNOugh.

Love,
Your well-kNOwn dad.

Joke 3
It had been snowing for hours when a announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please more their cars so that we may being plowing". Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class please."

Joke 4
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What's the usual tip?"
"Well", replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quater out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?", asked Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks", replied the boy. "I'll put this in my school fund".
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smilied and said: "Applied psychology".

Joke 5

A linguistic professor was lecturing English class one day. "In English", he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there's no language where a double positive can form a negative".
A voice from the back of the class piped up, "Yeah, right"

Joke 6

One day, a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out all the tests and went back to his desk to wait until the students finished the test. When the professor corrected the test after, he noticed there was a $100 bill attached to one of the test with a note saying "A dollar a point". The next day the professor returned the test. The student recieved his test and $55 charge.

Joke 7

Teacher: "How's your history paper coming?"
Student: "Well, you suggested me to use the Internet for research, and it has been very useful.
Teacher: "Really?"
Student: "Yes, I've already located 17 people who sell them!"

Political jokes

time for some political jokes.. enjoy!
notice that Im not the author of these jokes.. any discrimination thing is not my fault!
And if they arent funny also not my fault

1

Dick Cheney walks inyo the Oval Office and sees the President whooping and hollering. He asks what's wrong with him. "Nothing at all", the President beamed, "I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!".
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, I did it in a month, while the box says 3-5 years!"

2

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton.
Washinton says "I will make someone happy!", and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Lincoln says "I will make 5 people happy!", and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.
Jefferson says "I will make 500 people happy!", and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.
Bush says "I will make the whole world happy!", and throws Bill Clinton off the plane.

3

The LAPD (Los Angeles Police Departement), the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best anti-crime organization. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witness. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not excist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologize. They rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in, They come out two gours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

4

What do you call 100 000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The French army!

5

The bunch of Saddam Hussein's body doubles were waiting in a lounge when they heard on the news that Saddam's palace has been bombed. One of Saddam's advisors called themand said he had good and bad news.
The doubles said they wanted the good news first, so the advisor said that Saddam had survived the blast. The doubles were greatly relieved.
"Then what is the bad news?" they asked.
"Saddam lost one of his arms" the advisor replied.

6

A guy walks into a coffee shop and sees President Bush and Colin Powell sitting toghether. He introduces himseld and asks President Bush, "How is the War effort going?"
The president asnwers: "We are getting ready to kill 40 Iraqi's and one blonde."
The guy asks in astonishment: "Why are you killing one blonde?"
President Bush turns to Powell and says: "See, I told you people wouldn't care about the Iraqi's."

7
After dying a grisly death in an Afgan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.
There, he was greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped concieve!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in his face.
James Madison was next. He said: "This is why I allowed the government provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.
Osama was subjected to similar beaeting from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.
As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replied: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

Got enough?
_________________________
Yiteng

"Music is enough for a lifetime, but a lifetime is never enough for music."
-Sergei Rachmaninoff.

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#917400 - 02/26/06 04:02 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
LisztAddict Offline
2000 Post Club Member

Registered: 12/12/05
Posts: 2896
Loc: Florida
Yoyoma the classical cellist has a younger brother, Yomama the rapper.

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#917401 - 02/26/06 04:11 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Heretic Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/04/06
Posts: 150
How did Helen Keller's mom punish her when she cursed?


She washed her hands with soap.


Ok bad one sory.

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#917402 - 03/27/06 03:34 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Gill the Piano Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/20/06
Posts: 298
Loc: Marlow, Buckinghamshire, Engla...
What's brown and runs round a field?
A fence...

What do you call a woman on the horizon?
Dot...
_________________________
Piano tuner 23 years.
Musica lux in tenebris...

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#917403 - 03/30/06 06:50 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
JerryG Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 170
Loc: Long Island, NY
Jesus and Moses are on the golf course. They come to a par 3, 170 yards over a water hazard. Jesus proceeds to take out a 7 iron. Moses says, you will never reach the green with a 7. Tiger Woods could do it but there is no way you could.

Jesus says, i sure can and hits the ball with his 7 iron. The ball lands in the middle of the water hazard. Jesus proceeds to walk across the water to retreive his ball.

A foursome comes up to the hole and sees Jesus walking across the water and one of them says to Moses, "Who does that guy think he is... Jesus?".

Moses replies "No, he thinks he is Tiger Woods"
_________________________
IJGpiano

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#917404 - 05/08/06 08:18 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Josh Bish Offline
Full Member

Registered: 02/08/06
Posts: 100
Loc: England
Why do Seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over bays they'd be bagels.

I found it on a penguin wrapper \:\)

And a musical one...

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just steal the light from somebody else.
_________________________
"If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon." - Brahms

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#917405 - 05/13/06 10:44 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
CTPianotech Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 02/06/06
Posts: 1473
Loc: CT
Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a piano salesman?


A. Car Salesman knows when he's lying.
_________________________
Rich Lindahl
Piano Restorations in Central CT
D-C installations, Player-Piano installations/service
Ritmuller/Pearl River

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#917406 - 05/31/06 09:53 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Ted Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/03/02
Posts: 1507
Loc: Auckland, New Zealand
“Oi arrrgh doctor ! Oi have terrible problem arrrgh !”
“What’s that my good man ?”
“Well, see here, doctor, every morn eight o’clock sharp oi have monstrous bowel motion. Monstrous ! See here, big as this it is. Arrrgh !”
“Well, that’s probably perfectly normal and very good at your age.”
“Oi arrgh, but doctor, oi don’t get up till half-ten !”
_________________________
"It is inadvisable to decline a dinner invitation from a plump woman." - Fred Hollows

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#917407 - 06/02/06 03:15 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Frank_W Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 05/10/06
Posts: 1047
Loc: United States
A pirate walks into a pub with a ship's helm hanging from his zipper. The bartender calls, "Hey, buddy! Did you know you've got a steering wheel hanging from your trousers?"
The pirate replies, "Arrr....It's drivin' me nuts!"

ba-dum-PSH!

A conversation I had earlier this morning:
Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What.. Like, in the face?"
Her: .... "WHAT is the MATTER with you?!"


*snicker*
_________________________
Compassion, Love, Strength, Peace, Dignity, Balance, Order

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#917408 - 07/31/06 12:37 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Terrance I.McGee Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 12
Loc: Houma,Louisiana USA
 Quote:
Originally posted by teachum:
I thought I read this was also a place for jokes, so here goes. Since we are keeping it clean - I'll tell my two favorite 3rd grade jokes.

"What did the fish say when he ran into a brick wall?" "Dam!"


"What's the differene between broccoli and boogers?" "Kids will eat boogers." [/b]
Baddist Bull or Cow in town!

pianohumorTerrance
_________________________
Terrance I.McGee

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#917409 - 07/31/06 12:45 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Terrance I.McGee Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 12
Loc: Houma,Louisiana USA
A Man walks down The Street of Sorrows and shouts,Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes i say, Ah Hah Ah Hah Auh,What do you know,if i'am FUNNY!

pianohumorTerrance \:\)
_________________________
Terrance I.McGee

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#917410 - 07/31/06 02:02 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Frank_W Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 05/10/06
Posts: 1047
Loc: United States
The Top Signs Your Mom Is Actually Your Dad:

The only monthly visitor she ever has is a $50 stripper.

Her purse perfectly matches her shoes. But at the same time, her five-o'clock shadow perfectly matches her mono-brow.

Refuses to watch "Desperate Housewives" because "those broads get on my nerves."

Caitlyn's mom sells Mary Kay Cosmetics. Your mom sells Larry's Bait 'n' Tackle.
_________________________
Compassion, Love, Strength, Peace, Dignity, Balance, Order

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#917411 - 07/31/06 02:18 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Hobie Offline
Full Member

Registered: 10/11/05
Posts: 475
Loc: Rocky Mountains
What's the difference between a piano player and a saving bond?

A: the savings bond will eventually mature and earn some money!
_________________________
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others." Groucho Marx

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#917412 - 08/02/06 05:03 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Dsus2 Offline
Full Member

Registered: 08/14/05
Posts: 95
Loc: Sweden
Okay here I have a go at translating a Swedish joke:
A man had to cross the Sahara desert, but he had no camel. He reached a stable and saked the man there for one. "Here is an impressive camel", the man said. "When you say phew, it walks, and when you say phew-phew, it starts to run, and to make it stop, you just say amen". The man thought this to be very nice and borrowed the camel. So he sat up and gave the phew command, and it worked. After an hour though he got tired of the slow pace and tried the phew-phew-comand, and the camel started to run, very fast. To the man's horror he soon spotted a fast approaching precipice, and he had forgot the command to stop. He prayed to god to save him, and concluded with an "Amen", and the camel stopped! This happened just at the right time, for they were standing just a few centimeters from the fall. The man took a deep breath... "Phew!"

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#917413 - 08/02/06 08:23 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Frank_W Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 05/10/06
Posts: 1047
Loc: United States
Okay... Off the cuff:

A dive student named Pierre
Was enamored of his instructor's derriere
He ran his hands up her leg
And she bashed out his reg
As he drowned he burbled, "C'est la guerre!"
_________________________
Compassion, Love, Strength, Peace, Dignity, Balance, Order

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#917414 - 08/02/06 11:52 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Frank_W Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 05/10/06
Posts: 1047
Loc: United States
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

How do you sink a submarine?
Swim up to it and knock on the door! \:D
_________________________
Compassion, Love, Strength, Peace, Dignity, Balance, Order

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#917415 - 08/02/06 12:19 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Kreisler Offline


Registered: 11/27/02
Posts: 13789
Loc: Iowa City, IA
What do you call somebody else's cheddar?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Natcho Cheese!
_________________________
"If we continually try to force a child to do what he is afraid to do, he will become more timid, and will use his brains and energy, not to explore the unknown, but to find ways to avoid the pressures we put on him." (John Holt)

www.pianoped.com
www.youtube.com/user/UIPianoPed

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#917416 - 11/15/06 12:16 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
HannahT Offline
Full Member

Registered: 04/09/04
Posts: 199
Loc: UK
ok ok
heres one i tell in physics


whats bigger than the earth? URANUS!
:p

hahahaha
_________________________
why was the mushroom invited to the party? because he was a FUN-GUY! :p

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#917417 - 11/15/06 12:57 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
LisztAddict Offline
2000 Post Club Member

Registered: 12/12/05
Posts: 2896
Loc: Florida
 Quote:
Originally posted by HannahT:
URANUS! [/b]
That's bad. \:D

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#917418 - 11/15/06 04:05 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
hv Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 10/18/04
Posts: 1226
Loc: Cape Cod
 Quote:
Originally posted by pianojerome:
This guy complains to his friend, "Oy, my daughter is so ugly, she'll never get married!"

"Well," replies his friend, "how ugly is she?"

"She's so ugly - if you were to put her on a platter, next to a herring, you wouldn't tell the difference."

His friend thinks for a moment.

"What kind of herring?"

The first man is a little surprised by the question, and he quickly answers: "Err.. Bismarck."

"Too bad," his friend laments. "You see, if it were Madjes, she'd at least have a much better chance." [/b]
I just remembered that a Swede once explained to me that Matjes is Swedish for young girl and that matjes herring is from female fish that haven't yet spawned. And that its usually served fresh and salty as opposed to pickled in vinegar like Bismarck herring.

Ok. Sven says to Ole, "How's the new piano?" Ole responds, "I took it back and got a flute."

"What happened, was there something wrong with it," Sven asked?

"No," Ole responded. "But now Lena can't sing while she plays."

Howard

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#917419 - 11/17/06 05:34 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
HannahT Offline
Full Member

Registered: 04/09/04
Posts: 199
Loc: UK
 Quote:
Originally posted by LisztAddict:
quote:
Originally posted by HannahT:
URANUS! [/b]
That's bad. \:D
_________________________
why was the mushroom invited to the party? because he was a FUN-GUY! :p

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#917420 - 11/17/06 11:16 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
LisztAddict Offline
2000 Post Club Member

Registered: 12/12/05
Posts: 2896
Loc: Florida
That mushroom - funguy joke is good too.

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#917421 - 11/18/06 04:35 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
HannahT Offline
Full Member

Registered: 04/09/04
Posts: 199
Loc: UK
hehe thanks man, you are very nice
_________________________
why was the mushroom invited to the party? because he was a FUN-GUY! :p

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#917422 - 11/18/06 05:02 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
piano_deb Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/26/05
Posts: 787
Loc: Memphis, TN
I heard it as ...

So, a mushroom walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Get out of here! We don't serve your kind here!"

And the mushroom asks, "Why not? I'm a fungi."

:p


"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting cow."

"Interrupting cow wh--"

"MOOOOO!

\:D
_________________________
Deborah
Charles Walter 1500
Happiness is a shiny red piano.

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#917423 - 11/18/06 05:23 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
pianojerome Offline
9000 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/01/05
Posts: 9868
"knock, knock"

"who's there?'

"interrupting chicken with an identity crisis"

"interupting chicken wi--"

"MOOOO!"

\:D
_________________________
Sam

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#917424 - 11/18/06 05:31 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
IrishMak Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/20/06
Posts: 1614
Loc: New Hampshire, USA
Pair of jumper cables walks into a bar and sits down. Bartender comes over and says, "Ok, I'll serve you, but don't try to start anything."
_________________________
-Mak

1889 Mason & Hamlin screwstringer upright
Kawai MP-4 digital

---------------------------
When life hands you lemons, throw them back and add some of your own. Stupid life.

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#917425 - 11/18/06 05:42 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
LiszThalberg Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 03/13/06
Posts: 3288
Why did the chicken cross the road?
-to get the Russian Newspaper

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#917426 - 11/18/06 05:44 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
LiszThalberg Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 03/13/06
Posts: 3288
Why do elephants piant themselves yellow?
- to hide in your Banana pudding.

Think about it! Have you every seen an elephant in your banana pudding? NO! Why? Because they're hiding in it!

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#917427 - 11/18/06 05:47 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
LiszThalberg Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 03/13/06
Posts: 3288
 Quote:
Originally posted by HannahT:
 Quote:
Originally posted by LisztAddict:
quote:
Originally posted by HannahT:
URANUS! [/b]
That's bad. \:D [/b]
lm(fat)ao

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#917428 - 11/18/06 07:21 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
LisztAddict Offline
2000 Post Club Member

Registered: 12/12/05
Posts: 2896
Loc: Florida
Another walk-into-a-bar joke:

A termite walks into a bar and asks "is the bar-tender here?"

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#917429 - 11/19/06 01:16 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
pianojerome Offline
9000 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/01/05
Posts: 9868
Another walk-into-a-bar joke:

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Is this a joke?"
_________________________
Sam

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#917430 - 11/19/06 01:47 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
sarabande Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 1597
Loc: Mo.
Here's one told today at a relative gathering:

A dumb blond sold her car so she could buy gas for it!

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#917431 - 11/19/06 09:22 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
LisztAddict Offline
2000 Post Club Member

Registered: 12/12/05
Posts: 2896
Loc: Florida
 Quote:
Originally posted by pianojerome:
Another walk-into-a-bar joke:

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Is this a joke?" [/b]
Supposed to be, I guess!

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#917432 - 11/19/06 09:32 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
LiszThalberg Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 03/13/06
Posts: 3288
Another walk-into-a-bar joke:

A man walking into a bar!
ba dum phsh
rofl!

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#917433 - 11/19/06 09:33 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
ChrisKeys Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/21/03
Posts: 1274
Loc: Dallas, TX
One time I walked into a bar, but fortunately I didn't get hurt. \:\)

Chris

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#917434 - 11/19/06 09:12 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Aaron Xxxxxx Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/19/06
Posts: 3
Loc: California
What did the elephant say to the piano?.....Nothing it had no teeth..Yha I know haa......
_________________________
D #C C B D #C C B D D #C D #D E #C C B

Meow Mix Theme!!!!!

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#917435 - 12/09/06 04:11 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
buxtehude Offline
Full Member

Registered: 09/07/06
Posts: 499
Loc: Copenhagen, Denmark
 Quote:
Originally posted by hv:
 Quote:
Originally posted by pianojerome:
This guy complains to his friend, "Oy, my daughter is so ugly, she'll never get married!"

"Well," replies his friend, "how ugly is she?"

"She's so ugly - if you were to put her on a platter, next to a herring, you wouldn't tell the difference."

His friend thinks for a moment.

"What kind of herring?"

The first man is a little surprised by the question, and he quickly answers: "Err.. Bismarck."

"Too bad," his friend laments. "You see, if it were Madjes, she'd at least have a much better chance." [/b]
I just remembered that a Swede once explained to me that Matjes is Swedish for young girl and that matjes herring is from female fish that haven't yet spawned. And that its usually served fresh and salty as opposed to pickled in vinegar like Bismarck herring.

[/b]
Reminds me of something you'd WISH to be a joke, but isn't: the Swedish surströmming, that is fermented herring! It smells so bad, that the cans are often opened under water, and it tastes (no matter that a lot of Swedes claims to the opposite) even worse: rotten fish!

So run away if a Swede invites you on rotten fish: It's NOT a joke!!

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#917436 - 12/09/06 04:13 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
pianojerome Offline
9000 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/01/05
Posts: 9868
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

"Ouch."

"Ouch."

"Oy vey."
_________________________
Sam

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#917437 - 12/09/06 04:15 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
pianojerome Offline
9000 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/01/05
Posts: 9868
 Quote:
Originally posted by buxtehude:
 Quote:
Originally posted by hv:
 Quote:
Originally posted by pianojerome:
This guy complains to his friend, "Oy, my daughter is so ugly, she'll never get married!"

"Well," replies his friend, "how ugly is she?"

"She's so ugly - if you were to put her on a platter, next to a herring, you wouldn't tell the difference."

His friend thinks for a moment.

"What kind of herring?"

The first man is a little surprised by the question, and he quickly answers: "Err.. Bismarck."

"Too bad," his friend laments. "You see, if it were Madjes, she'd at least have a much better chance." [/b]
I just remembered that a Swede once explained to me that Matjes is Swedish for young girl and that matjes herring is from female fish that haven't yet spawned. And that its usually served fresh and salty as opposed to pickled in vinegar like Bismarck herring.

[/b]
Reminds me of something you'd WISH to be a joke, but isn't: the Swedish surströmming, that is fermented herring! It smells so bad, that the cans are often opened under water, and it tastes (no matter that a lot of Swedes claims to the opposite) even worse: rotten fish!

So run away if a Swede invites you on rotten fish: It's NOT a joke!! [/b]
Hm, seems kind of fishy to me...
_________________________
Sam

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#917438 - 02/13/07 07:48 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
RonP Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/28/07
Posts: 25
Loc: Sioux Falls, SD
A blonde walks up to a truck at a stop light and says: "Hi! My name is Heather and you're losing your load!"
The truck driver drives on.
At the next light. Heather catches up and says: "Hi! My name is Heather and you're losing your load!"
The truck driver drives on.
At the next light. Heather catches up again. This time huffing and puffing. She says: "Hi! (huff puff) My name is Heather!...(huff)... And you're losing your load!
This time the truck driver turns to blonde Heather and says: "Hi. My name is Kevin. It's snowing out and I'm driving a salt truck.
_________________________
RonP
Beware of kisses from Pit Bulls... They might have the flu.

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#917439 - 02/13/07 08:10 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
RonP Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/28/07
Posts: 25
Loc: Sioux Falls, SD
Adam was talking with God one day.
Adam said: "God, why did you make woman so soft and sweet?"
God said: "So you'd like her."
Adam said: "God why did you make woman so shapely and sexy?"
God said: "So you would like her."
Adam said: "God....Why did you make woman so stupid?"
God said: "Oh Adam...That's an easy one!... That's so she would like you!"
_________________________
RonP
Beware of kisses from Pit Bulls... They might have the flu.

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#917440 - 02/28/07 11:24 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Gyro Offline
4000 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 4533
In reference books where space is
at a premium, Franz Liszt is described
as a "Hung. pianist and composer." I've
read several of his biographies and
this was never mentioned in them.

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#917441 - 03/01/07 12:21 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Reaper978 Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 1326
 Quote:
Originally posted by Gyro:
In reference books where space is
at a premium, Franz Liszt is described
as a "Hung. pianist and composer." I've
read several of his biographies and
this was never mentioned in them. [/b]
That's quite good! \:D

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#917442 - 03/06/07 05:20 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
PerformingYak Offline
Full Member

Registered: 11/16/05
Posts: 205
Loc: Lightning Ridge, Australia
How many customs officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it's kind of hrd to change a lightbulb when you are administering an internal search.

...... sorry
_________________________
"Work hard and strive to reach the power of bland"

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#917443 - 04/07/08 11:56 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Gyro Offline
4000 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 4533
Colon detox

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#917444 - 04/07/08 12:06 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Innominato Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 802
Loc: London
A slice of bacon and a sausage are thrown together in a frying pan.

The sausage says: "hhmm, it's hot here, huh?"

The slice of bacon says: "aaarrggghhh!!!!! A talking sausage!!""
_________________________
"The man that hath no music in himself / Nor is not mov'd with concord of sweet sounds / Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils." (W.Shakespeare)

Kemble Conservatoire 335025 Walnut Satin

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#917445 - 04/24/08 05:31 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Kawai, HI Offline
Full Member

Registered: 12/19/07
Posts: 200
Loc: Hawaii
Q. How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

A1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

A2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

A3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

A4. Rottweiler: Make me.

A5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

A6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

A7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

A8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

A9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

A10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

A11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

A12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...

A13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

A14. New Zealand Sheep Dog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little cluster...

A15. Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
_________________________
Semper ubi sub ubi

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#917446 - 04/24/08 06:27 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
bitWrangler Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 03/14/07
Posts: 1789
Loc: Central TX
The rookie French Foreign Legion officer was being given a tour of the desert camp by one of his men. During the tour, the officer asks:

"with these long stretches in the desert, what do the men do when they need some, um, sexual relief?"

The soldier replied:

"well sir, the enlisted men are left to take matters into their own hands, so to speak. However, the officers have Betsy the camel over there"

The officer nodded and the tour resumed. Several weeks went by. One night the soldiers were awoken by a very strange loud noise. They ran outside and realized the noise was coming from where Betsy the camel was kept. When they got there they found the officer "engaged" with Betsy. Seeing all the men staring at him he stopped and exclaimed:

"I thought you said that the officers used Betsy when they needed sexual relief?"

The solider who gave him the tour replied:

"Yes they do, but usually they just get on her and ride into town to visit the brothel!"

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#917447 - 04/24/08 11:16 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
LisztAddict Offline
2000 Post Club Member

Registered: 12/12/05
Posts: 2896
Loc: Florida
\:D

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#917448 - 05/05/08 05:23 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Late Beginner Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 01/06/08
Posts: 588
Loc: West Australia
OK, you did specify stupid jokes. I've always thought that this one was right up there in the endearingly dumb stakes..


Q: What is brown and sticky?
.
.
.
.
. Give up yet?
.
.
.
. Tough heh?...
.
.
. It's...
.
.
.
A: A stick.
_________________________
Who needs feet of clay? I can get into enough trouble with feet made of regular foot stuff...

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#917449 - 05/05/08 08:38 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
TrapperJohn Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 02/11/08
Posts: 3574
Loc: Chocolatetown, USA
A pastor was giving a "hell & brimstone" sermon when all of a sudden the Devil materialized out of nowhere in a large fiery explosion behind him. The pastor turned around, took one quick look, screamed and went running like a madman right out of the church.

The congregation didn't waste any time getting out of the church either, yelling and pushing and shoving each other thru the narrow doorway.

In a flash the church was empty - except for one old guy up front, who just sat there not paying much attention at all and totally unconcerned.

The Devil ran up to him and jumped all around him making all sorts of fearsome noises and threatening the old guy with the full force of his awesome powers. But the old guy just sat there nonchalantly - practically ignoring the devil.

Finally, worn out and completely frustrated in his attempts to frighten the old guy the Devil said:
"Hey buddy - don't you know I'm the Devil?" "Aren't you afraid of me?"

The old guy just casually looked up with his listless eyes and said: "Hell no. Why should I be afraid of you? I've been married to your damn sister for 50 years."
_________________________
Every difficulty slurred over will be a ghost to disturb your repose later on. Frederic Chopin

Current favorite bumper sticker: Wag more, bark less.

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#917450 - 05/07/08 05:29 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Jamie147 Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 212
Loc: England, UK
A 10 inch high wishing well visits his Doctors and says:

"Doctor, Doctor I'm not a tall well"
_________________________
We are the melodies and the notes of your opus. We are the music of your life.

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#917451 - 05/07/08 11:43 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Les Koltvedt Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/13/05
Posts: 3195
Loc: Canton, MI
Did ya hear that the local police found a hole in the fence of the nudist colony?

Their looking into it...

Then when they got back to the precinct, they discovered that someone had taken their commode...

they've got nothing to go on...
_________________________
Les Koltvedt
LK Piano
Servicing the S. Eastern Michigan Area
PTG Associate

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#917452 - 05/07/08 11:54 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
melissa d Offline
Full Member

Registered: 09/17/07
Posts: 113
Loc: Cibolo, Texas
_________________________
My blog such as it is http://melissasjourneys.blogspot.com

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#917453 - 05/07/08 12:28 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Deerwood Dad Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/04/07
Posts: 478
Loc: Minneapolis
Ole and Lena are making love, and tings yust aren’t going too well for Ole. Lena, concerned for her poor husband sugyests that Ole see a doctor. Ole complies, and the good doctor sugyests that Ole’s problem stems from his lack of exercise. “Ole, you need to get some exercise for crying out loud. I want you to walk a mile every day for a week and call me and let me know how things are going.” Ole reluctantly agrees.

After a week of diligent exercise, Ole does as the doctor instructed and calls to check in. “Doctor, I did what you tole me to doo, now what?” The doctor queries Ole – “Well, Ole, how are things going in the bedroom now that you are getting in better shape?” To which Ole, in disgust replies “How da hell vood I know! I’m seven miles frum home!!”
_________________________
Mason & Hamlin A (2006); Yamaha P140

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#917454 - 05/07/08 02:05 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Deerwood Dad Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/04/07
Posts: 478
Loc: Minneapolis
How about these unanswerable Dear Abby letters?

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
_________________________
Mason & Hamlin A (2006); Yamaha P140

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#917455 - 05/08/08 01:40 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Les Koltvedt Offline
3000 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/13/05
Posts: 3195
Loc: Canton, MI
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:


HEBREWS
_________________________
Les Koltvedt
LK Piano
Servicing the S. Eastern Michigan Area
PTG Associate

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#917456 - 05/08/08 03:16 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
rodmichael Offline
Full Member

Registered: 02/08/08
Posts: 334
Loc: Maryland
My small contribution, perhaps well known to all:

There are 10 kinds of people in the world who understand binary numbering: Those who do and those who don't.
_________________________
Rod Michael
Mason & Hamlin AA, SN 93018
Yamaha CGP-1000, SN UCNZ01010
Zoom Q3



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#917457 - 05/08/08 08:20 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
JeanieA Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/03/04
Posts: 507
Loc: Reno, Nevada
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!

Ok, so I teach elementary school...
_________________________
Collector of sheet music I can't play.

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#917458 - 05/08/08 08:26 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
bitWrangler Offline
1000 Post Club Member

Registered: 03/14/07
Posts: 1789
Loc: Central TX
Another oldie but goodie:

A bear and a rabbit are going poopoo in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says:

"Excuse me Mr. Rabbit, but do you have problems with poo sticking to your fur"?

The rabbit replies:

"Why no, I don't."

So the bear then wipes his bottom with the rabbit.

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#917459 - 05/08/08 09:40 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
JeanieA Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 11/03/04
Posts: 507
Loc: Reno, Nevada
A man calls his doctor and explains that he's having a terrible gas problem. But's that's not the worst of it; whenever he has an 'attack,' it's not the normal sound; the man says that the explosion sounds like 'RONDA!'

The doctor says, "Oh, that's easy. Make an appointment with your dentist. You have an abcessed tooth." The man says, "You haven't even seen me! How can you be so sure you know what the problem is?"

The doctor replies: "Well, sir, I'm sure because everybody knows that abcess makes the f@rt go RONDA!"[/b]
_________________________
Collector of sheet music I can't play.

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#917460 - 05/09/08 05:02 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Jamie147 Offline
Full Member

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 212
Loc: England, UK
What do you call a Tennis player that talks to cakes?

Martina Natters-to-pavlovas
_________________________
We are the melodies and the notes of your opus. We are the music of your life.

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#917461 - 05/09/08 10:23 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
melissa d Offline
Full Member

Registered: 09/17/07
Posts: 113
Loc: Cibolo, Texas
Why did grandma put roller skates on her rocker?

She wanted to rock and roll.
_________________________
My blog such as it is http://melissasjourneys.blogspot.com

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#917462 - 05/09/08 03:49 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
junmer Offline
Full Member

Registered: 02/22/04
Posts: 397
Loc: United Arab Emirates
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

JUNMER
_________________________
JUNMER
Piano tuner / Piano teacher
Dubai
United Arab Emirates
0097150-6543009
0097155-6543009

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#917463 - 05/12/08 09:16 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
bplary1300 Offline
Full Member

Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 353
Loc: Maine
Why did the scarecrow win the award? He was outstanding in his field.

Did you hear about the man who lost his left side? Hes alright now.
_________________________


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#917464 - 05/12/08 09:33 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
FormerFF Offline
Full Member

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 476
Loc: Roswell, GA, USA
Much funnier if you read this imagining a Minnesota-Swedish accent.

Two Minnesota farmers are talking:

Sven: "Hey, Ole, how's it going?"
Ole: "Oh, not so good."
Sven: "What's the problem?"
Ole: "My old boar has died and my sows have all come into season."
Sven: "That's no problem, just load them up into the truck and bring them over. I've got a boar that can service them. Then the next day, if it took, they'll be rolling in the mud, and if it didn't, they'll be laying in the sun."

So, Ole took his sows over to Sven's farm. The next day, Sven calls Ole.

Sven: "So, do you think it took?"
Ole: "They're laying in the sun, so I suppose it didn't."
Sven: "OK, then, bring them by again today."

So, Ole did. The next day, Sven calls him back.
Sven: "Do you think it took this time?"
Ole: "I don't know."
Sven: "Are they rolling in the mud or laying in the sun?'
Ole: "They're not doing either"
Sven: "Well, what are they doing?"
Ole: "They've gotten into the truck and one of them is blowing the horn!"
_________________________
Piano self teaching on and off from 2002-2008. Took piano instruction from Nov 2008- Feb 2011. Took guitar instruction Feb 2011-Jul 2013. Can't play either. Living, breathing proof some people aren't cut out to make music.

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#917465 - 05/12/08 09:54 PM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
David Jenson Offline
2000 Post Club Member

Registered: 10/22/06
Posts: 2097
Loc: Maine
A farmer friend of mine spent a good part of each afternoon holding his favorite pig up so that the pampered animal could eat apples right off the tree. Day after day the same thing happened.

Finally I couldn't take it any longer. "Jeff," I said. "Don't you see what a waste of time that is?"

"I've though about it," he said, "but really when you think about it, what's time to a pig?"
_________________________
David L. Jenson
Tuning - Repairs - Refurbishing
Jenson's Piano Service
-----

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#917466 - 05/19/08 12:23 AM Re: Tell a joke...(stupid one preferrably) Come on guys - hit it!
Ferdinand Offline
500 Post Club Member

Registered: 04/23/07
Posts: 943
Loc: California
A man walks into the kitchen for a midnight snack. He opens the refrigerator, and there in the vegetable crisper he sees a rabbit, peacefully dozing.

Man: Say, what are you doing here?
Rabbit: What is this place?
Man: It's a refrigerator.
Rabbit: What kind is it?
Man: It's a Westinghouse.
Rabbit: Well, I'm westing.

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