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School jokes

Joke 1
Sandy began a job as elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sanfy asked if she wanted to be her friend.
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman supiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because", the little girl answered, "I'm the goalie!"

Joke 2

Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudiying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.

After recieving this letter, the father immediately replied back.

Dear Son,
i kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forgot that the pursuit of kNOwlegde is a NOble task, and that you van never study eNOugh.

Love,
Your well-kNOwn dad.

Joke 3
It had been snowing for hours when a announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please more their cars so that we may being plowing". Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class please."

Joke 4
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What's the usual tip?"
"Well", replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quater out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?", asked Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks", replied the boy. "I'll put this in my school fund".
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smilied and said: "Applied psychology".

Joke 5

A linguistic professor was lecturing English class one day. "In English", he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there's no language where a double positive can form a negative".
A voice from the back of the class piped up, "Yeah, right"

Joke 6

One day, a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out all the tests and went back to his desk to wait until the students finished the test. When the professor corrected the test after, he noticed there was a $100 bill attached to one of the test with a note saying "A dollar a point". The next day the professor returned the test. The student recieved his test and $55 charge.

Joke 7

Teacher: "How's your history paper coming?"
Student: "Well, you suggested me to use the Internet for research, and it has been very useful.
Teacher: "Really?"
Student: "Yes, I've already located 17 people who sell them!"

Political jokes

time for some political jokes.. enjoy!
notice that Im not the author of these jokes.. any discrimination thing is not my fault!
And if they arent funny also not my fault

1

Dick Cheney walks inyo the Oval Office and sees the President whooping and hollering. He asks what's wrong with him. "Nothing at all", the President beamed, "I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!".
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, I did it in a month, while the box says 3-5 years!"

2

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton.
Washinton says "I will make someone happy!", and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Lincoln says "I will make 5 people happy!", and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.
Jefferson says "I will make 500 people happy!", and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.
Bush says "I will make the whole world happy!", and throws Bill Clinton off the plane.

3

The LAPD (Los Angeles Police Departement), the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best anti-crime organization. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witness. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not excist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologize. They rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in, They come out two gours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

4

What do you call 100 000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The French army!

5

The bunch of Saddam Hussein's body doubles were waiting in a lounge when they heard on the news that Saddam's palace has been bombed. One of Saddam's advisors called themand said he had good and bad news.
The doubles said they wanted the good news first, so the advisor said that Saddam had survived the blast. The doubles were greatly relieved.
"Then what is the bad news?" they asked.
"Saddam lost one of his arms" the advisor replied.

6

A guy walks into a coffee shop and sees President Bush and Colin Powell sitting toghether. He introduces himseld and asks President Bush, "How is the War effort going?"
The president asnwers: "We are getting ready to kill 40 Iraqi's and one blonde."
The guy asks in astonishment: "Why are you killing one blonde?"
President Bush turns to Powell and says: "See, I told you people wouldn't care about the Iraqi's."

7
After dying a grisly death in an Afgan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.
There, he was greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped concieve!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in his face.
James Madison was next. He said: "This is why I allowed the government provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.
Osama was subjected to similar beaeting from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.
As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replied: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

Got enough?

Yoyoma the classical cellist has a younger brother, Yomama the rapper.

How did Helen Keller's mom punish her when she cursed?


She washed her hands with soap.


Ok bad one sory.

What's brown and runs round a field?
A fence...

What do you call a woman on the horizon?
Dot...

Jesus and Moses are on the golf course. They come to a par 3, 170 yards over a water hazard. Jesus proceeds to take out a 7 iron. Moses says, you will never reach the green with a 7. Tiger Woods could do it but there is no way you could.

Jesus says, i sure can and hits the ball with his 7 iron. The ball lands in the middle of the water hazard. Jesus proceeds to walk across the water to retreive his ball.

A foursome comes up to the hole and sees Jesus walking across the water and one of them says to Moses, "Who does that guy think he is... Jesus?".

Moses replies "No, he thinks he is Tiger Woods"

Why do Seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over bays they'd be bagels.

I found it on a penguin wrapper

And a musical one...

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just steal the light from somebody else.

Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a piano salesman?


A. Car Salesman knows when he's lying.

“Oi arrrgh doctor ! Oi have terrible problem arrrgh !”
“What’s that my good man ?”
“Well, see here, doctor, every morn eight o’clock sharp oi have monstrous bowel motion. Monstrous ! See here, big as this it is. Arrrgh !”
“Well, that’s probably perfectly normal and very good at your age.”
“Oi arrgh, but doctor, oi don’t get up till half-ten !”

A pirate walks into a pub with a ship's helm hanging from his zipper. The bartender calls, "Hey, buddy! Did you know you've got a steering wheel hanging from your trousers?"
The pirate replies, "Arrr....It's drivin' me nuts!"

ba-dum-PSH!

A conversation I had earlier this morning:
Her: "Have you ever hit a deer?"
Me: "What.. Like, in the face?"
Her: .... "WHAT is the MATTER with you?!"


*snicker*

Baddist Bull or Cow in town!

pianohumorTerrance

A Man walks down The Street of Sorrows and shouts,Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes i say, Ah Hah Ah Hah Auh,What do you know,if i'am FUNNY!

pianohumorTerrance

The Top Signs Your Mom Is Actually Your Dad:

The only monthly visitor she ever has is a $50 stripper.

Her purse perfectly matches her shoes. But at the same time, her five-o'clock shadow perfectly matches her mono-brow.

Refuses to watch "Desperate Housewives" because "those broads get on my nerves."

Caitlyn's mom sells Mary Kay Cosmetics. Your mom sells Larry's Bait 'n' Tackle.

What's the difference between a piano player and a saving bond?

A: the savings bond will eventually mature and earn some money!

Okay here I have a go at translating a Swedish joke:
A man had to cross the Sahara desert, but he had no camel. He reached a stable and saked the man there for one. "Here is an impressive camel", the man said. "When you say phew, it walks, and when you say phew-phew, it starts to run, and to make it stop, you just say amen". The man thought this to be very nice and borrowed the camel. So he sat up and gave the phew command, and it worked. After an hour though he got tired of the slow pace and tried the phew-phew-comand, and the camel started to run, very fast. To the man's horror he soon spotted a fast approaching precipice, and he had forgot the command to stop. He prayed to god to save him, and concluded with an "Amen", and the camel stopped! This happened just at the right time, for they were standing just a few centimeters from the fall. The man took a deep breath... "Phew!"

Okay... Off the cuff:

A dive student named Pierre
Was enamored of his instructor's derriere
He ran his hands up her leg
And she bashed out his reg
As he drowned he burbled, "C'est la guerre!"

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

How do you sink a submarine?
Swim up to it and knock on the door!

What do you call somebody else's cheddar?
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Natcho Cheese!

ok ok
heres one i tell in physics


whats bigger than the earth? URANUS!
:p

hahahaha

That's bad.

I just remembered that a Swede once explained to me that Matjes is Swedish for young girl and that matjes herring is from female fish that haven't yet spawned. And that its usually served fresh and salty as opposed to pickled in vinegar like Bismarck herring.

Ok. Sven says to Ole, "How's the new piano?" Ole responds, "I took it back and got a flute."

"What happened, was there something wrong with it," Sven asked?

"No," Ole responded. "But now Lena can't sing while she plays."

Howard