Thanks Pixie's friend, Keystring and Chris. I guess my negative thoughts rooted from many different sources. At this point, I guess the wrong move would be the quit. By no means do I even want to quit, its the surrounding people that make me feel I need to quit. I hope I made sense. I am still trying to sort my feelings out and the last few days I've felt very shadowed.

My piano teacher says that it seems like a whole defense mechanism of wanting to quit. Particually since it was after an exam I built myself up on so much.

This has probably been the bumpiest patch of my teenage years ... I guess I haven't had it so bad ... Still returning to the piano to me is a difficult task. I sat down at the bench today glared down at the keys then walked away. I think for the next few days I'll give it a break. I think I wont quit afterall but I think I'm in for a long talk at my lesson in a few days.

I guess I am at the stage were I am questioning things and looking at 'who am I' ... I wish I knew the answer sooner and I know that this is the time in my life where I am to discover things and really discover myself but the question mark still remains.

I feel like the answer is approaching and I really need to give it time. I sometimes just wished I had my father on my side. Maybe he is the root of all my emotions ... I've tried speaking to him many times but no avail ... I know I shouldn't allow comments like his get into my thinking but sometimes when your deepest and dearest make comments like that its so easy to succumb to them and feel so bruised.

Thank you for all your replies ... I might stick to it ... but take a week's break of practice so I can regain myself. My mind is still racing and I still feel sad in some areas ... part of me feels tired too ... I'm really mixed .. .sometimes I wish I could just have someone solve my problems ... but I realize in the end its my decision and no one can make choices for me.

Thankyou all for posting ... it means a lot to me ... all those life stories and experiences make me feel like a person not an insane freak that thinks too much.

I can't tell you how many times I have done the same thing. Or I just couldn't be bothered to go to the piano at all. I think that this is what happens to most of our students when they fail to practice. The trick is to just start playing, even if it is the last thing you want to do. Give it a little time and you will start to feel better. I always do.

Thanks Chris, It'll be a change from sleeping as a way to escape my thoughts. Its like getting back up from falling off a horse. The phobia is there ... so I'll take baby steps for now.

Sometimes you just get burnout. When I was seventeen I quit piano after a relatively successful earlier run. On my mother's advice I entered college undeclared because she didn't want me doing music.

Half a year of college went by, I realized I did not want to be stuck writing papers for 4 years (my interests were English and political science), realized that I loved teaching, and immediately switched to piano performance and psychology. I regret nothing and am happy that I made the decision.

There will be some days when you don't want to play. That's alright. I went for almost two years without playing and went back. When I was 10 I had to take a year off from piano, and I went back to it as well. Every time I stop, I realize I need to go back. I'm not afraid of quitting anymore, because I know music is a lifetime commitment for me, whether it is teaching or playing.

I wish your father was on your side in all this, but try to keep a clear head. Don't make decisions right away. Emotionally-based decisions, especially at this magnitude, tend to come back and bite you in the butt. Sleep on it, for a few days if you have to, and decide what you're going to do. Maybe you can stop doing competitions and festivals, and focus on group piano and playing pieces you've always wanted to play. Maybe you can focus on jazz, or practice your improvisation. Whatever it is, I hope that you'll stay with music, even if you step away for a while.

That’s better rebekah.
Don’t tell my sons, but sometimes parents don’t know best. It seems your dad is going through the same emotional rollercoaster you are at the moment, don’t blame any of you. It is one of those things in life. You have him on your side, only you do not know what your side is! (both of you)
Sure he thinks you are good at what you do, he has surely enjoyed listening to your practice (same as your neighbours) and he is frustrated that you might through everything away for one of those hormone cocktails your blood is mixing at the moment. We sometimes get angry and do not mean what we say; most probably it is the case now. Try to talk to him about how he thinks you play, what does he feel when he hears you playing…. You will get closer.
One of my friends used to say “When I was 13 my dad hadn’t got a clue about anything. But is unbelievable what the guy learned in only 10 years!”
Try to play just for pleasure. Forget about the really challenging stuff you can play, and concentrate in the pleasure playing that easy tune gives you (one of my friends walks of plateaus playing the very first thing his mum taught him, with his fists!, but it helps, because that brings a smile to the face and warmth to the heart)
Baby steps are perfect now, they are the best. (Specially those my little one is starting doing) ;-)
Pixie

Rebekah, if your father has been accusing you of "selfishness", no wonder you're upset. But think of it like this - soon you'll be in college, away from your parents, and away from their control. You'll be able to pay for your own piano lessons - and what's so selfish about spending your own money? You are allowed to spend your own money on anything you like.

As for performing - it all depends on where you perform. I'm 32, and only returned to the piano 3 years ago. And I'm performing. Yeah, I play ragtime, not classical, and yeah, I'm not very good yet, but this summer, I was playing at out-of-town gigs every 3 weeks - mostly ragtime festivals, though I did give a concert as well. Oh, and I was also taking lessons. It was crazy, because I was also doing a law firm summer internship (which is a big deal and involves a lot of intense work), but I really really wanted to make it work - so I did. I have a CD out. I'm going to record my second CD next week. And at the same time, I'm in law school - at a good school, and going to work for a good law firm after I graduate.

So don't think you'll be giving up performing forever and ever after you go take up another job or major in something other than music. There are always performance opportunities out there. Sometimes, really nice performance opportunities. One of the ragtime performers I know gave a great concert at the Kennedy Center in Washington DC this year. He makes his living as a computer programmer. That didn't make a difference.

For that matter, one of the things I really like about the law firm where I'll be working is that they have their own rock band - two partners and two associates. Now, mind you, these are very busy people - and that's an understatement. These are horribly overworked people with a ton of stuff to do. But every couple of days, they get together in one of the file rooms (relabeled "Music Room") and practice. They played their first gig a couple of weeks ago.

Thanks again for your words - Minaku, Pixie dust and Larisa. My lesson is only tomorrow and I guess I should be rekindling with my love for music again. All I can say is thankyou, I feel very uplifted. I've read all your posts again and again and let me say that I feel much better now.

You know it is all well and good, and easy for us to say to "just ignore" the naysayers...those who drag us down and make us feel bad for pursuing something we care about.

But it's just not that easy in real life. Especially when a family member is giving you a hard time for pursuing music. It can just take any enjoyment out of it to have to listen to such negativity.

Do what you have to do. The good news is, if you do quit, I bet you start again in X number of years, and end up on the Adult Beginners forum saying how you never should have quit

If you feel you must, then go ahead and quit. I don't think it will make you happy, but perhaps you do that then you'll realize just how much you love music, and that you really have no choice but to do it. Sometimes you have to totally leave something to know just how much it matters to you.

Hey, never said I am quitting. At least not for now I just said my lesson is tomorrow and I should be rekindling my love!

I don't know what I am in for tomorrow especially since I have been advised to take a break from it (my teacher said this).

Sorry for butting in here, and I haven't read every word in the above, but Rebekah, you sound clinically depressed. Perhaps talk to a counselor at school or a doctor about it.

Mood swings are part of being a teenager, but when everything looks negative, that's unhealthy.

And btw, I've been there in both respects (music, love/hate, quitting, and depression). I majored in cello and got a doctorate, and then quit -- couldn't stand to even look at the thing. There were about 5 years when I hardly played at all. I now have a boring job that I don't love, but I am back playing again, both cello and piano.

Doing music as a career IS stressful, and it can be very hard to earn a living. Some people handle it better than others. But that's certainly no reason to quit. Playing the piano is something you can do your whole life. Just decide that you will keep playing no matter what. It's not an all-or-nothing proposition.

Rebekah, if your teacher has told you to take a break, and you have followed his instructions, then he will be expecting you to come in exactly as you will be. He will have something in mind and guide you through it. Many people go through periods of doubt, especially if they have been rather involved in their music studies, and a music teacher will have experience and knowledge in this. Trust him to guide you, and best wishes for tomorrow's lesson.

Oh, wonderful! And sometimes, it's good to take a break. Nothing wrong with that.

Oh, sure. But at some point, one has to say, with as much defiance as one can muster: "This is what I need to do for my own health and sanity. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do this. I will continue to do this regardless of what you think."

It's damn hard to do when you're 16, or 17. Personally, at that age I favored passive resistance rather than open defiance as my technique of choice - just ignore the negative comments and keep going with whatever I was doing. (not that my parents had negative comments about music - they had other fish to fry) It was a very effective technique.

I had a clarinet teacher, who played first clarinet in a major orchestra (yes, I was lucky), who said that he has never "worked" in his life - i.e. that making music for a living never felt like "work". I've always aspired to that ideal - to never "work" in my entire life. I've made it so far; none of the activities I've engaged in have ever felt like "work". (not just music; I loved all the jobs I've held over the years)

I didn't enjoy giving piano lessons as much as I enjoyed other things, but it certainly wasn't anything that destroyed my soul. Every so often, I got a good student who worked hard, and it made the bad students bearable. But there are so many other ways to make money making music, most of which are very pleasant.

For example, one of the ways in which I made money at piano playing was by accompanying ballet classes. Basically, it amounts to sitting there and improvising while you watch people dance. They are typically very good dancers, and it's a pleasure to watch them and to fit the music to their movements. No "soul destruction" there. I also accompanied singers a lot; another soul-enhancer.

I now make money at festivals, selling my sheetmusic and CD's (and people ask me for autographs...yipes). Another perfectly valid way of making money at music.

To me, the objection to being a full-time professional musician was the vow of poverty that accompanies that decision, not any "soul destruction". I think one's soul can be kept in fine shape by a music career; it's the connection between body and soul that might be in trouble.

Its been great. Its through talking to many others when I feel better. I talked to a musician friend of mine, my mum, a few supportive peers and my teacher. I feel MUCH better now.

A few things still linger in my mind ... but I have a lesson tomorrow to just talk about it.

It basically came down to: the real reason why I felt I needed to quit was fear, fear of Change. Loss of music ... I finish school in a years time, after that it wont be the same setup. I felt I needed to prepare myself for the worst and stop now so I wont feel like I lost it so much later.

... Other than that, my teacher and I have decided to keep it for now at least.

Really? I thought so too, actually I thought I was just being a melodramatic hypercondriac really. Piano again ... not in denial or anything, but really I don't think I have clinical depression because the pessimistic thinking that I bear are echoed from the teachers in my high school. There are a few other contributing factors too. I still love music and by no means did I want to quit, I just felt I needed to quit.

One thing that scared me was when I came to realize that most quit after high school. I finish in a years time. It's almost like I have a year to live my life and enjoy myself and then that's it no more. I can perform now and have fun but when school is finished, that's it. I feel like I might as well pack my bags now and call it quits before I love it too much and find quitting a more difficult task. Actually it still scares me ... what if I don't make it as a professional musician? What do I do then?

What's more is I am not looking to be a professional musician ... it seems too demanding. I feel like I am going to quit one way or another I may as well quit now, that way I wont get too attached to music and I'll find it easier.

... I still feel this way but see no reason to quit for now. So I am going to persevere.

Oh, Rebekah, but college is so much more fun than high school! You'll have so much more free time for all sorts of things - including playing and performing and taking music classes where everyone else loves music just as much as you do. Really. Even if you major in something else. Believe me. You don't have to quit if you don't want to quit. Why would you quit later if you "love it too much"?

I hate it when music teachers pull that sort of nonsense and tell people that they'll quit. They did that to me too; the idea is that if you Really Love It, you will persevere anyway, and if you Don't Really Love It, you'll quit and stop wasting their time. What they fail to account for is the nice girls; the ones who obey the grownups and listen to what they say, and who would not dream of defying a grownup's orders. They don't know what kind of pain they're causing, because the pain is hidden and because the girl in question obediently quits piano - so they were right, weren't they? Grr.

Really, if I were you, I'd go for a music major in college, family be damned. Or at least, minor in music. If you don't make it as a professional musician, you can always go to law school (seriously - some of my classmates did that). Or just go back to school and major in something else. Life is long, and offers plenty of opportunities to turn around and try a different path if you don't like the one you're on. I am on my third career change now, and I am only 32.

Thanks Larisa ... Funny many people convinced me to quit and give it up. For many, many different reasons (no employment, no enjoyment, having to quit later, what its done to me, where I am going to go, etc). I've realized now I have let other influences distort me and mold me to think in such a way.

Thanks for the advice Larisa.