A new report now says that the Mozart effect is a fraud. For you hip urban professionals: playing Mozart for your designer baby will not improve his or her IQ or help him or her get into that exclusive pre-school. He or she will just have to get that advantage some other way. Of course, we're all better off for listening to Mozart purely for the pleasure of it. However, one wonders that if playing Mozart sonatas for little Hillary or Jason could boost her or his intelligence, what would happen if other composers were played in their developmental time?


LISZT EFFECT: The child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important.

BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.

WAGNER EFFECT: The hild child becomes a megalomaniac. He may eventually marry his sister.

MAHLER EFFECT: The child continually screams -- at great length and volume -- that he's dying.

SCHOENBERG EFFECT: The child never repeats a word until he's used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.

IVES EFFECT: The child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.

GLASS EFFECT: The child tends to repeat himself over over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

STRAVINSKY EFFECT: The child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that often lead to fighting a pandemonium in school.

BRAHMS EFFECT: The child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences contain a multiple of three words (3,6,9,12 etc). However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.

CAGE EFFECT: The child says nothing for 4 minutes, 33 seconds. Preferred by 9 out of 10 classroom teachers.

LIGETI EFFECT: Child makes dozens of horrid sounds, and parts of sentences are sometimes minutes apart, he claims this is speech, child is also manically depressed and sickly

BEETHOVEN EFFECT: Child goes deaf at an early stage but can still talk surpirisingly fluently and well

RACHMANINOV EFFECT: Child has an unearthly attention to detail and speech is sometimes delayed

PAGANINI EFFECT: Child is insanely talented with any instrument

RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN EFFECT: Child continually screams "The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!"

BACH EFFECT: Child is a math genius and loves to answer his own sentences

D SCARLATTI EFFECT: Child sometimes suffers from uncontrolled outbursts by screaming in harmonic voices

DONIZETTI EFFECT: Child can't help laughing and dancing while talking about tragic events in eloquent and compassionate terms. Deeply unsettling to peers and educators.

WILLIAMS EFFECT: Child starts breathing heavily and is seduced by the dark side, not necessarily in that order.

DEBUSSY EFFECT: Child murmurs and mumbles in a sensuous vocabulary that seems to go nowhere, with occasional spouts of fireworks and jazz puppetry.

BACH EFFECT: Child speaks in structurally perfect multiple voices, forwards, backwards, upside-down, augmented and diminished, solely for the glory of God. Also be prepared for a lot of grandchildren.

SCHUMANN EFFECT: Child speaks in poetry, then tries to drown himself.

ROSSINI EFFECT: Child will be lazy, an insatiable glutton, and an obnoxious critic... but still a lot of fun.

CHOPIN EFFECT: Child coughs constantly and has a strange predilection for silk gloves.

GERSHWIN EFFECT: Child tries to speak Ebonics, but is never quite convincing.

LULLY EFFECT: Please keep child away from sharp objects.

BERWALD EFFECT: Child develops a huge passion, works at it his whole life, then falls into complete obscurity.

MEYERBEER EFFECT: Everything child says is wildly popular, but no one can remember it afterward.

HOVHANESS EFFECT: Child grows to be very spiritual, attracted to Eastern religions, and develops pyromaniac tendencies. Also becomes rather verbose.

PROKOFIEV EFFECT: Child speaks wildly and brilliantly, with a huge vocabulary. But... was he being serious?

COWELL EFFECT: Child speaks in clusters of words.

PARTCH EFFECT: Child speaks only in words that he makes up.

ORFF EFFECT: Child delights in saying naughty things that no one notices because they are too busy arguing about the correct middle high German or Latin pronunciation.

THE SORABJI EFFECT: Child speaks eloquently for hours upon hours, but tries his best not to let anyone hear him.

THE RACHMANINOFF EFFECT: Child is perpetually gloomy, but loves to talk about aeroplanes and Mother Russia.

THE SCRIABIN EFFECT: Child has serious illusions of grandeur and may exclaim his own divinity from time to time.

THE MADGE EFFECT: Child makes up words and then tries to pass them off as real, sometimes convincingly.

THE SHOSTAKOVICH EFFECT: Child may try to humilate parents by speaking in codes and riddles.

THE LA MONTE YOUNG EFFECT: Child says and holds a single word for eternity - in fact, he says the word before and after it has been said.

OZZY OZSBOURNE EFFECT: Child develops an incomprehensible ability to scream words like "Crazy Train!", Also starts to think that Pizza and cigarrettes are good for him

VIVALDI EFFECT: Every time you talk to the child, you can't help but wonder if you've had that conversation before.

THE DON MCLEAN EFFECT: The baby will follow everything he says with a dignified silence.

PAT METHENY EFFECT: The child will have trouble identifying where one sentence stops and the other begins.

FRANZ SCHUBERT EFFECT: The child is the most intelligent in the class but never realizes because he copied all of Beethoven's answers.

Chopin effect- Child has strange predeliction for older women.